Half Hers, For Now

Harper, our 21 month old, recently learned how to climb out of her crib and open her bedroom door. The past few nights, she had made sure to put her newfound skills to use. One night, I counted and Harper climbed out of her crib 14 times. I've barely slept the past four nights and I'm exhausted, to say the very least. 

I'm okay with that, however. I've got a stock of Rockstar Recovery to keep me going throughout the day and I've got a whole lot of love for Harper to keep me from beating/drugging her in the night. 

Several months ago, a facebook friend's status said in regards to motherhood that, "the days are long but the years are short." It is a simple- and yes, somewhat cheesy- little quote, but nonetheless, it has been on my mind almost constantly the past few nights

I love Harper so much that it is nearly inconceivable. I never understood how parents could be so self-sacrificing when it came to their children- how they could give their time, money, and patience so willingly, especially knowing they weren't getting anything in return (little did I know, they were getting so much- so very much in return). I've mentioned before on my blog, Diligent Joy, how selfish I used to be. I couldn't imagine buying for or taking care of anyone but myself.

Then came my daughter- my beautiful daughter- and along with her came perfect and selfless love. She stole my heart in an instant and now I get it. I get sleepless nights and messy houses. Everything is clear to me now and once again, I've learned to never judge a situation until you've experienced it yourself. 

 I didn't know how much a mother loves her baby until I had my own and in that one tiny moment when I met Harper, everything changed and for the first time in my life, I understood what it means to love someone more than yourself. There was no questioning the fact that I'd give my last anything in the world for her... that I'd die for her.

Loving a child is, in my humble opinion, the greatest miracle we can ever experience. It's breathtaking and amazing. I never fully comprehended the power of love until I looked at Harper and I never believed that something could feel so pure and so perfect.

Harper has forever changed my life in so many ways. Some of those changes have been instantly for the better (hello delicious little baby feet and sweet toddler hugs). Others have been more trying (other like four consecutive sleepless nights).

To keep things in perspective, I remind myself that without me, Harper would be helpless (but don't tell her that because she IS a big girl and can make her own toast and put on her own jacket). It is like my life is half hers, for now, at least. I can't just get up and do what I want. I can't stay up late because I can't sleep in. I can't just grab my husband and head for a movie or late dinner. I can't read whenever I get the whim. I can't spend five hours a day at my piano anymore. Sometimes- most times- I have to see to Harper first. Her comfort, her hunger, her sleepiness (or lack thereof) always come before my needs now and I'm okay with that. It's tiring, yes. It's hard, yes, but it is so wonderful. She is a gift in my life and I wouldn't give up caring for her for all of the free time or sleep in the world. You see, I know that my time with her is short. I know that before I'm ready, she will be caring for herself and I'll get the other half of my life back and I'm 100% certain that when that moment comes, I won't be ready for it and I probably won't want it.



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