Halloween Decorations...for Rednecks
Halloween Decoration Ideas
You may or may not have some of these and you may or may not even know it, but I'm going to show you some great ideas for Halloween decorating like a real redneck.
I did not find these on Pinterest, but you know that this topic deserves the spotlight. Like, top 10 pins or some shit.
Here we go...
1. This one is pretty simple and every redneck can appreciate the value of a good scarecrow. Gather four pumpkins and your best Sunday-Go-To-Meetin' outer wear. Grab the leftover hair from the time your old lady shaved off her mullet. DO NOT SHAVE YOURS! You won't need it. Anyway, stuff two of the pumpkins in a pair of jeans and the other two in a sweatshirt. Shit, here...I'll just show you a picture.
2. While you're outside, get some bungee cords from the back of your truck and tie them to the couch you have sittin' on the front porch (or in the yard). Leave all the shit that you stuffed in between the cushions. You don't have time to clean it out now, not that you really care. Anyway, suspend that bad boy from the tree. This gives the impression that your couch is levitating, thus giving off a paranormal feel to your front yard. Just remind yourself that it's Halloween and not Billy Bob trying to steal your extra special comfy outdoor furniture again.
3. After you're done with the couch, go inside and grab the empty Pabst Blue Ribbon beer cans from the shelf in your living room. Don't worry, you can always put them back when Halloween is over. Blow off the dust. Or not. Go ahead and grab the cans you use as a chandelier as well. Insert the long candles your sweetie purchased at Walmart on sale. No, not that sweetie. The one that got fired from Dairy Queen for doing...nevermind. You know which one I'm talking about. Anyway, insert the candles into the opening at the top of the beer cans, light them with your Dukes of Hazard lighter, and line your sidewalk with them. This will help those chillun's see where they are going when they dare to go trick-or-treatin' at your haunted hideaway.
4. Go out to your shed. Yep, the same one where that last episode of Hoarders was filmed a few months ago and grab whatever you can find. Spray paint everything orange and dump that shit in your front yard. If, however, you have some spare change laying around (check the cushions of the suspended couch), go ahead and splurge and buy some plastic pumpkins from the, "A Dolla Makes My Girl Holla Store." At night, this will give off the appearance that you put extra thought into your Halloween decorations, strategically placing pumpkins around the yard. When it's daytime, no need to worry, because by doing this, you're still increasing the value of your trailer.
5. Sally May probably left some tampons under the bathroom sink before she left your ass. Grab a few and unravel one end. Take a Sharpie Marker and place two eyes near the top (don't get fancy by using plastic eyes like in the picture below) and use the "hanger" on the other end to hang them in the trees outside. Go ahead and use the whole box.
6. Use the styrofoam headstones you purchased on sale stole from Billy Bob about 10-years ago. To show your appreciation to all that is Holy, write out the Commandments on the back of the diaper cardboard box and adhere them to the headstones. Place them in the front yard.
Note: these can be reused at Christmas so just leave them in the yard until Easter. Heck, just keep 'em out year round.
7. Get the family involved! Don't let them just sit around spittin' pumpkin seeds at one another. Get those black boots your wife was going to wear for your anniversary (before she left you because she and your other two girlfriends were fighting over the last pork chop), and put those on Grandma's feet. Shove her up the faux fireplace in your trailer and tell her not to come down until Thanksgiving. This will make is seem like a witch got stuck up there, frightening the little chillun's. Tell her to either moan or cackle every once in a while, but if she refuses, just poke her with a cattle prod. That'll sure do the trick.
Board up your chillun's in the fireplace and put candy just out of their reach. This also doubles as a great "babysitter" so all your Dairy Queen and Walmart hotties can come over and play naked beer pong with you. Don't forget the cattle prod.
So, there you have it. Simple Halloween decoration techniques that you can use and share with family and friends. You'll thank me later, but in all honesty, that gap-toothed smile you're displaying is enough for me.