Happy Birthday to Me- But I don't feel like it.
Tomorrow I turn 42. I am just lost. In one way I have my everything in order. I have a good job. I live under my means. My children are polite, kind and mostly respectful. I love my God and believe no matter what all things will work out for good. On the other hand I don't understand why I am here. I feel lost. I feel alone. I can't believe my husband chose to be my ex husband. I can't believe he chose not to quit gambling to stay in our marriage. I can't believe he wouldn't do what it took to stay together. I asked him to pay 750$ per month towards our bills and to live under what he made outside of that. I asked him to not gamble. I asked him to be honest with me. I asked him to not turn to let his eyes look upon women I could never be. He chose not to do any of those things. He vowed to be faithful to me above all others and to love me. He vowed to help raise our children in a Godly manner. He didn't. Why do I still feel like his wife? Why do I feel like I want him to come back. Why would I even consider letting him. Why isn't he begging me to come back? Why do I care? When will I be free of him? Lord please help me. Take this burden from my heart. I feel so abandoned. I feel rejected and alone. Why wasn't he the man he said he was? Why did you allow this to happen? He has even been dishonest to his family about our divorce. I have been painted as Princess Blackheart instead of brokenhearted. For my birthday this year I hope next year I feel very differently than today.