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This is my third post on happiness, if I don't count posts that alluded to maintaining that happy feeling. All this introspection is killing me, but I'm one of those people who thinks the universe has something to teach us. So, when I consistently get the same request, to write on a certain topic, visit a certain place, pay attention to a certain person, I think perhaps I should fulfill that request.
I've probably said it before, but happiness is a hot topic right now. Oprah, for instance, collected "the best of Oprah magazine into The Big Book of Happiness. Lawyer turned writer Gretchen Rubin is working on a book and has an entire blog about finding happiness called "The Happiness Project." And with all the excitement about Slumdog Millionaire winning all those Oscars, you may have missed that a movie about happiness came out last year and was nominated for an Oscar under best original screenplay, Happy-Go-Lucky.
Claudia Puig at USA Today describes the movie as "a decidedly clear-eyed exploration of the challenges of being happy." The challenges of being happy, which is my topic--roadblocks to happiness.
I'm tempted to say Mata H. ate my homework and be done with it. She wrote a great post on this topic, a short while ago.
I won't rehash much what she and I have already said about happiness, and so, shere are links to my other happiness-specific posts.
In "Happiness Now!," I covered the usual suspects of what we assume keeps us from being happy, with the bottom line being "Just do it!" Go for happiness.
That's easy to say, like "Just go to the gym. Just say no to sugar. Just fall in love." If it were that easy, we'd be perfect. I also said in another post that a huge obstacle to happiness is fear, something you'll hear again and again. But for this post, I'll tackle five more roadblocks, some psychological or spiritual and some practical.
(1.) Inability to forgive: Have you heard this saying before, depression is anger turned inward? I have because I have struggled with depression. While clinical depression is not the same thing as simply having a bad day or being a tad blue, I think we gain insight about roadblocks to happiness or contentedness by eavesdropping on what psychologists have to say about depression to depressed patients. This is what I've been told by mental health professionals:
Psychological theories have traditionally explained depression as "Anger turned inward against the self." If you fail to live up to some internal standard of who or what you are supposed to be, some internal watchdog notes your failure and begins to let you know that you haven't been all that you could be--depression. People often talk about being angry with themselves because they have not accomplished or achieved or done what they think they should have. This explanation accounts for the diminished self esteem depressed people often report. (University of Illinois website)
Yeah, if you tend toward being unhappy more than being content, then most likely you're pissed at yourself, to be blunt, enraged that you are not the perfect creature you think you should be.
If unhappiness is linked to anger at self, then you can see why we hear frequently "happiness is within." You can't blame other people for how you handle resentment and regret. O.K., sometimes you can blame the folks that raised you, but once you're an adult, you can ditch that baggage if you want to ditch it.
I would add that we also nurture anger toward others when they don't live up to our expectations, disappoint or hurt us in some way. So, the inability to forgive others and ourselves is a roadblock to happiness--perfectionism that nurtures anger and clings to resentment and regrets.
Perhaps this is also why midlife crises are associated with depression. Midlife is a period when some people face regret for the first time in their lives.
(2.) Lack of self-acceptance: Flowing from the understanding that expectations of perfection from the self can lead to bouts of sadness, it's reasonable to say a lack of self-acceptance is also one of the roadblocks to happiness. We don't like ourselves as we are and we can't let visions of the ideal self go.
To forgive means to let go of what
