Happy New Year, Fatty!

What My Fakebook Status Says: I Love reading all of the Happy New Year Facebook Status Updates, and looking at everyone’s pictures from their New Year’s Eve parties!

What I really mean: Happy New Year to all of you, too! Now shut the hell up already about resolutions and long lines at your gym!

Read this gem of a status update posted by one of my Facebook Friends:  

“I would like to officially greet all of the New Year's Resolutioner's at my gym: Hello and you're fat. You simply don't understand that you must completely identify your problem before you seek to solve it. Instead, for the next 30 days you will appear at my church and lip sync the prayers with some misperception that attendance counts for 90 percent of the class. The next time I see you, you will...be talking on your cell phone as you lean on the Stairmaster as if you were doing dips for 30 minutes. You'll be sipping Gatorade without understanding by the end of your 'workout' you will have consumed more calories than you burned. You will spend your evenings baking cookies, talking to your friends about your 'workout' and shopping on Pinsterest instead of researching low calorie meals, stretching instead of sitting on the couch and making your lunch for tomorrow. All the while failing to understand that you need to hate your fat to divorce your fat. And, worst of all, you will never even ask a question knowing that something you are doing is wrong. I can however at least thank you...for being part of the reason I only pay $10.00 per month for my membership. Goodbye and good luck.”

There are many reasons why this post bugs me. I should start off by saying that I am fat. Not "I can’t get out of bed without a crane or leave the house because I can't fit through the door" fat, but I could stand to lose 50 or 60 pounds. I did not join a gym for my 2013 New Year’s Resolution, and probably never will (especially after reading this). Why, you ask? Being overweight, I’m already pretty self-conscious. I almost had a panic attack walking into Lululemon last weekend, because (a) I was clearly the only person in the store that has eaten a cheeseburger in the last six months, and (b) $98 yoga pants - even if they did make them in my size (which, for the record, they do not), I wouldn't spend that kind of money on stretch pants!

I feel the need to respond to each sentence individually, because this person clearly thinks he knows Fat Phyllis on the exercise bike next to him, or Chubby Charlie on the Stairmaster he is waiting for, but really, he doesn’t know Jack Shit! Here goes:   

“I would like to officially greet all of the New Year's Resolutioner's at my gym: Hello and you're fat.”

Didn’t your mother ever tell you, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” Mine did (and I think I'm going to be ignoring her advice for this post). My third grade teacher also taught me that an apostrophe before the letter “s” doesn’t pluralize a word. So, I guess even though I’m fat, I can proofread the shit out of your post. But, I digress. I’m sure every fat person at your gym knows they are fat. They don’t need you to tell them. That’s why they are there. That was just plain rude and childish (as was my apostrophe s comment, but I couldn’t help myself).

“You simply don't understand that you must completely identify your problem before you seek to solve it.”   

How the hell do you know that? Most people with weight problems know why they are overweight. I certainly do. Food is effing delicious! Seriously, the "Resolutioners," as you called them, have made the decision to get healthier and go to the gym. They most likely know that if they control their diet and exercise, they will lose weight. They are fat (as you so graciously pointed out), not friggen stupid.

"Instead, for the next 30 days you will appear at my church and lip sync the prayers with some misperception that attendance counts for 90 percent of the class."

Here's the thing. Although it may appear to you that Fat Freddie is satisfied with just showing up to the gym, and not necessarily giving 100% to his workout, he should probably take it slow at first - Dude's been eating chips and channel surfing on the couch for the last 11 months, he'll get the hang of it! The fact that he made the decision to go to the gym (even though he's.....gasp....FAT) and make a lifestyle change is a step in the right direction. But for some reason, you have more of a right to go to the gym (because you are fit) than he does? Don't get me wrong...I'm sure it is a pain in the ass to have to share your gym with “Resolutioners” for a month...but you get 11 months of peace and quiet at your gym...can the fat people get JUST ONE? (I'm kidding, of course. I'm sure there are a few Chubbies who actually stick with it and reach their goal! I'm guessing they are the people who are in-shape at the gym and aren't bitching about petty little things like lines at the Treadmills for the month of January.)

The next time I see you, you will...be talking on your cell phone as you lean on the Stairmaster as if you were doing dips for 30 minutes.”

This would piss me off too (if wasn’t fat, of course, since a gym is apparently no place for a Heffer). However, I’d be willing to bet that “fatties,” as well as those who “pick things up and put them down” are guilty of this inconsiderate act.

“You'll be sipping Gatorade without understanding by the end of your 'workout' you will have consumed more calories than you burned.”

Again with the “fat people are imbociles” attitude. Thank GOD fit people like you are here to point out that Gatorade is not without calories! Oh how I wish I was thin so I could spread my wealth of fitness knowledge to stupid fat people all over the world!

“You will spend your evenings baking cookies, talking to your friends about your 'workout' and shopping on Pinsterest instead of researching low calorie meals, stretching instead of sitting on the couch and making your lunch for tomorrow.” 

First, it’s called Pinterest (you threw an extra "s" in there). And you don’t shop on it. Actually, it’s a great place to look up low calorie recipes and meal plans. There are links to blogs and websites that offer food shopping tips and lists. You really should check it out. You might be able to learn some new stretches or exercises. No need to thank me. Consider it a Fat Chick Tip, since you so generously shared your Gatorade knowledge. I’m being childish again. Wow – it really is kind of fun. Now I see why you do it so often!

Second, baking cookies? We cows just eat the batter right out of the package or bowl. No baking necessary! Again, no need to thank me for my Fat Chick Words of Wisdom. Just keeping it real.

“All the while failing to understand that you need to hate your fat to divorce your fat.”

Ahhh…the battered wife strategy! Love it! No one likes being fat…it just kind of happens. I hate my fat. I want to divorce it, but I’m not ready. I’ve lost weight in the past when I thought I was ready. But in the end, I put it back on, and then some! I’m not filing for divorce and then reconciling anymore with food. That doesn’t mean I don’t hate being fat – I just fucking love food!

“And, worst of all, you will never even ask a question knowing that something you are doing is wrong.”

I’m confused here. You make Two Ton Tommy feel like a piece of shit for going to YOUR gym on YOUR time, and then you expect him to ask you how to use the equipment properly? Or maybe he should ask a Trainer. That would go over like a fart in church…it may mean you would have to wait an additional 3 minutes until Tommy finds the Trainer to ask for a how-to.

“I can however at least thank you...for being part of the reason I only pay $10.00 per month for my membership. Goodbye and good luck.”

I’m pretty sure $10 deals for memberships are offered throughout the year. I’m also pretty sure there is no legal jargon at the end of the ads stating something along the lines of, “This offer is for Thin People only. If you are fat, have ever been fat, or become fat, you are unwelcome at this gym.”

I have to tell you that after reading your post, my first thought was, “What a pretentious asshole!” I can only assume that you are so unhappy in your life that you have to put other people down to pump yourself up (pun intended). See what I did there? Sucks when someone presumes that they know you and what you are all about.

 

I'm kind of annoyed with myself for stooping to your level, but this has been somewhat therapeutic for me! I think I may actually be motivated to finally lose weight, join a gym and make you wait for me while I finish my workout! What gym do you belong to, anyway? I'll buy you a Gatorade!!

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