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Warning: This is the deepest post, emotion-wise, that I have ever written. I'm not sure why I chose this topic to introduce myself to the blogher world, but here goes:
I'm so cocky. When I was a kid, I thought my family was better than some of my friends' families because my parents were still together. I would never be from a broken home like some of them.
Then, I got married. Divorce was not an option, and i would like to keep it that way even now, but when I first said that, I really never thought there would be any major reasons to even consider it.
Like I said, I'm so cocky....and my marriage hit rock bottom without me even realizing there was a problem. Now, I am standing....most days feeling like I am about to crumble, in the middle of a huge crap storm that seems to be getting bigger by the day. And I don't know what to do.
That's not true...I know a little about what to do, but this thing is so huge, that I say that alot.
The story. My husband was asked for some advice from my best friend. No big deal. He helped her with her problem, and life went on as normal...I thought. Behind all the normalcy, they were talking...and falling in love. I didn't see it coming because I love and trusted them both so much. I knew they chatted on facebook, but that was really no big deal in my eyes...we were all friends.
So, one day, about a month and a half after it started, my friend told me that I needed to know something...but my husband had to be the one to tell me. I asked him what the heck she was talking about, and he told me. They had had an affair.
At the time he told me, he was on a business trip. As part of the confession, he also added in that for a long time, he had felt like our marriage was hollow and empty. I moved out of the house before he got back, and since then, his biggest concern seems to me getting me back. The strange part is that it doesn't seem to be in a "I love you so much and can't believe I did this to you" sort of way.
He has apologized a few times, but if it "doesn't work", he gets into the rant about how I am "running from my problems and not giving him a chance"
The problem with all of this, is that I know that deep down, I know this is not my husband. I know that I want our marriage to work...and I have really positive times in all of this, where I know it will, and I also have really negative times, where I wish he would have just left with my friend.
Now, my reason for writing this novel on my marriage is not to get sympathy, or to bash my husband publicly. It's more for the release of it all...since today is one of those days when I'm not sure how much more I can take.
And also, to maybe try and figure out what it is that I am still holding out for. My counsellors say that I need the space to heal. My husband and father in law have both been very controlling and emotionally abusive throughout our marriage, and I know I have some healing to do from that, but when do I stop holding out on him, and give hime another chance? I know I may not be supercharged attracted to him right now, but maybe staying away is doing more harm than good. Especially for our two daughters. This can't be good for them. All of the pain, and the tension...I want to get back to a happy family, and the sooner the better.
He's upset that I won't give him another chance. Do I hold out until he is nice to me whether or not I am going back or not??? I just don't know. I'm sure answers will come, but something has to change soon.
Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? What did the healing look like for you? And most importantly, how long did it take?
How long until I look up and realize the storm is behind us?
Thanks for listening to my cyber rant, cyber friends...I needed that.
