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Don't be too possessive of your husband; be eager to learn from your mother-in-law; don't talk too much to the neighbor or maids; serve tea to your in-laws with a smile; control your temper. Tips such as these, offered by a "professional counselor and psychologist", are key to a happy marriage and well-adjusted family life with the in-laws. So what about it ticked off Indian bloggers? The advice is meant only for women and underscores the tradition that a marriage -- and building a relationship with in-laws --- is solely a woman's responsibility or burden.
I first read about this unique tip-sheet at Nita's blog, where she, her readers and other bloghers that she linked to, were breathing fire. The "counselor", Uttam Dave, had written a two-part series for a Mumbai tabloid on what to look out for before and after tying the knot. The first part --- Before you say 'I do' --- is a decent set of watch-out-fors and make-sures that I'd even classify as useful. Of course, they discount the fact that most arranged-marriage participants either lack the will or opportunity to run down the list. And in cases where couples pick each other, love can force you to overlook many of the potential deal-breakers that he warns us about. But, if your situation is ideal and objective, this is a good check-list to carry. As Dave himself concludes: it's not humanly possible to meet all the criteria.
But let's come back to the problematic second and concluding part of the series -- Knot Adjustable -- that has left so many women, and men, fuming. I'll leave you to fume and fret at his pearls of wisdom: there's enough material, believe me. But what bothered me more -- as it did many other readers -- that this piece found its pride of place in a newspaper, unchallenged. This is not an opinion piece. This is being offered as advice that people can use to improve their marital lives.
To understand how damaging this piece is, it may help to bear in mind that traditionally, Indians have valued and lived in joint families. Marriage and family are a given and come first. And children are expected to support aging parents.
Modern and urban lifestyles are challenging the system, but many couples continue to live with their parents-in-law, in most cases the fortunate seniors being the boy's parents. So, the girl comes in as a new member to the boy's family and technically becomes a part of the boy's family. [That will partly explain why parents prefer boys, but let's hold that off for another post].
The onus has always been on this new member to not only adjust to a whole new way of life, but to do whatever it takes to make herself acceptable to her in-laws. Women have steadily but surely been working at breaking this cycle of being taken for granted by either moving out to live in nuclear families, or using their own income to support their biological parents. Most modern couples are doing a balancing act, and that works out just fine if you have co-operative in-laws.
Which is why Dave's advice comes across as so insensitive. The premise of his argument accepts the status quo:
In the Indian context, the onus for overall adjustment in life always lies largely with the woman. This is the reason why most of the counselling at the pre-marital stage is targeted at women. Unfortunately, most Indian men still do not gear up and take the required initiative in this area. Some do it willingly after their emotional needs are met by the wife.
Keeping the above scenario in mind, most of the following tips are measures a new bride can take to foster a feeling of harmony in her new home, right from the beginning.
How is this any different from saying: "Look, dowry system still exists, too bad. So a good way of dealing with it would be for parents to avoid having girls. If you do, well, you should start putting aside money for her dowry soon after she is born. You can do that by cutting expenses like her education, clothes,
