Don't be too possessive of your husband; be eager to learn from your mother-in-law; don't talk too much to the neighbor or maids; serve tea to your in-laws with a smile; control your temper. Tips such as these, offered by a "professional counselor and psychologist", are key to a happy marriage and well-adjusted family life with the in-laws. So what about it ticked off Indian bloggers? The advice is meant only for women and underscores the tradition that a marriage -- and building a relationship with in-laws --- is solely a woman's responsibility or burden.

I first read about this unique tip-sheet at Nita's blog, where she, her readers and other bloghers that she linked to, were breathing fire. The "counselor", Uttam Dave, had written a two-part series for a Mumbai tabloid on what to look out for before and after tying the knot. The first part --- Before you say 'I do' --- is a decent set of watch-out-fors and make-sures that I'd even classify as useful. Of course, they discount the fact that most arranged-marriage participants either lack the will or opportunity to run down the list. And in cases where couples pick each other, love can force you to overlook many of the potential deal-breakers that he warns us about. But, if your situation is ideal and objective, this is a good check-list to carry. As Dave himself concludes: it's not humanly possible to meet all the criteria.

But let's come back to the problematic second and concluding part of the series -- Knot Adjustable -- that has left so many women, and men, fuming. I'll leave you to fume and fret at his pearls of wisdom: there's enough material, believe me. But what bothered me more -- as it did many other readers -- that this piece found its pride of place in a newspaper, unchallenged. This is not an opinion piece. This is being offered as advice that people can use to improve their marital lives.

To understand how damaging this piece is, it may help to bear in mind that traditionally, Indians have valued and lived in joint families. Marriage and family are a given and come first. And children are expected to support aging parents.

Modern and urban lifestyles are challenging the system, but many couples continue to live with their parents-in-law, in most cases the fortunate seniors being the boy's parents. So, the girl comes in as a new member to the boy's family and technically becomes a part of the boy's family. [That will partly explain why parents prefer boys, but let's hold that off for another post].

The onus has always been on this new member to not only adjust to a whole new way of life, but to do whatever it takes to make herself acceptable to her in-laws. Women have steadily but surely been working at breaking this cycle of being taken for granted by either moving out to live in nuclear families, or using their own income to support their biological parents. Most modern couples are doing a balancing act, and that works out just fine if you have co-operative in-laws. 

Which is why Dave's advice comes across as so insensitive. The premise of his argument accepts the status quo:

In the Indian context, the onus for overall adjustment in life always lies largely with the woman. This is the reason why most of the counselling at the pre-marital stage is targeted at women. Unfortunately, most Indian men still do not gear up and take the required initiative in this area. Some do it willingly after their emotional needs are met by the wife.
Keeping the above scenario in mind, most of the following tips are measures a new bride can take to foster a feeling of harmony in her new home, right from the beginning.

How is this any different from saying: "Look, dowry system still exists, too bad. So a good way of dealing with it would be for parents to avoid having girls. If you do, well, you should start putting aside money for her dowry soon after she is born. You can do that by cutting expenses like her education, clothes, food, etc...so on and so forth."

So, basically, if you have a system that is screaming for change, let's not voice the need for change but find ways to work through it, thereby perpetuating it.

I am not judging a set of tricks for a new bride who is willingly entering a patriarchal dynastic family and is looking to be part of it  either for the fortune or the fame or tradition. That's the stuff Indian television soaps are made of. Those are the secrets mothers, sisters and friends will whisper into your ears when you take off for your "new home".

Frankly, none of this is novel or new. But to pass these off as rules for a harmonious married life is disturbing. To add insult to injury, expect no further columns on how a man should behave in a similar situation! The counselor has just given up a fine opportunity to address the people who so badly need advice on working toward a well-adjusted family life -- the men and his family-members.

To see how mindless such "advice" can be in the Indian context, check out how this finishing school in central India trains girls to be good wives and daughters-in-law. (Thanks to Nita, again, for mentioning it in her post. I had dismissed this story several years ago as an anomaly.  I wonder now...). Of course, it's run by a man. Please read it to experience ultimate horror.

Nita argues in her post that Dave's advice shows reasonable in-laws in very poor light:

The truth is that if the in-laws are decent people, Mr. Dave’s advise is not necessary. Decent in-laws will understand the nature of give and take and realise that the best chance of a harmonious relationship with their daughter-in-law is to be humane towards her. In fact any decent human being will know that just one person giving her all can never work in the long term and will give rise to suppressed rage and simmering hate.

A contributor at Unchaahi, who also complains about the one-sidedness of the advice, has some remarkably ouchy rebuttals/interetations of the advice. Here are a few gems:

Avoid competition with your sister-in-law, mother-in-law or any other member of your age. Being in a family essentially means co-operation and a genuine effort to feel happy in others’ happiness.
(Yesyes, but never expect these nice, thoughtful gestures from the in-laws. Tsk tsk, this advice is only for you, my girl. Pray that you get a son and you can also be the domineering mother-in-law someday!)

Try to control your anger and temper tantrums even if you feel the need to complain to your husband.
(No, who told you that you could be a regular human being with normal feelings? And that it's your husband's responsibility to look after you, just like you look after him? Why you want to bother the poor, tired soul with your problems? Just bottle them up inside you and take it out on your daughter-in-law when your time comes. So simple!)

Chandni at Bohemian Rhapsody has a similar take. These comments are a great way of getting a cultural context for the issue, especially in understanding where the girl's parents fit in this equation: 

Let the husband spend time with his family members and don’t be over possessive. Love for your partner can often breed jealousy and malice towards your in-laws, especially if he’s close to his mother. Make it a point to overlook small lapses made by the in-laws and try to understand them as human beings.

Got that? You are just the wife. Not really a family member. So let the guy spend time with “his” family while you busy yourself in the kitchen or something. That’s the least you can do. What about your family? Come on, you silly girl. You’re the girl rememeber! They don’t figure.

Buy thoughtful gifts for your family from time to time. No matter how small or silly they may be, gifts always increase one’s self-esteem and are bound to touch hearts, especially of those who expect something on birthdays and anniversaries. 

Aha. bribing. Always works. But be careful, this only applies to in laws. Don’t buy anything for your own family, as that amounts to wasting money and making unneccesary expenditure. And plus, it isn’t your money to spend, remember? Its the family’s.

Emma and Amrutha have rubbished the article, too. And the good news is, most of the readers who commented online have done so as well.

The writer concludes with this fig leaf :

In spite of your genuine efforts to adjust and adapt, however, if you still face any kind of physical and mental cruelty at the hands of your in-laws, especially in connivance with your husband, please walk out without delay and seek a divorce.

Too little too late, sir. The damage is done.