Have mercy on me oh Lord

Oh Lord, have mercy on me!  I am confused and hurting.  Why now and so much past my divorce.  Why is it that my husband (ex husband) can do such good for so many people and couldn't simply not gamble or lie to me?  Why do I see him one time and I fall apart.  Why did this happen?  Did I sin in leaving my marriage to early?  Are you punishing me?  Is this simply growing pains?  Are you working in my life and I will find better?  Is he going to come back?  When he called I hoped that maybe he was coming to tell me gambling was behind him and he wanted me back.  He did no such thing.  I even gently suggested he come back or we try for something better.  He showed no such interest other than to say he missed me.  I miss him Lord!  I miss him.  My heart is broken and where are you?  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to be?? Do I persue him?  Do I wait for you to do something?  All I do know is that this hurts and stinks.  I never thought I'd be here.  I chose him because he professed to love You.  He said he knew You well and that he loved me.  I chose him because I thought he would lead me and my kids in a Godly home.  That didn't happen.  He didn't lead he walked down a dark road and didn't care who it hurt.  I acted badly I am sure.  Forgive me for my impatience and if I disregarded your will.  It wasn't spiteful or purposeful, I know no other way to be.  I am trying.  I want to love you more.  I am so sad when I imagine the good we could have done together.  I am sorrowful about what could have been and that I may have been disobedient and caused this.  Have mercy on me.  Forgive me.  Help me.  Bless me.  Tell me what to do and I'll do it.  Show me the way.  Take some of this hurt away.  Take some of these doubts from me. Help this to work for good.  Help me to be a better mother and person.  If he isn't supposed to be part of my future then I accept it, if he is then please do a work in our lives to make it become a reality.  I want Your will to be my reality.  In Jesus' holy name I ask that all these things.    

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