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I try not to apologize unless I've done something where the words “I’m sorry” are warranted. Some people assume that over-apologizing is a female trait, but I've gone out with at least two guys now who apologized so often that it became confusing. I asked one guy if he had a favorite football team, and his response was, “No, I don’t watch football. I’m sorry.” Why would someone apologize for not liking football? Even if I were a huge fan (which I’m not), I wouldn’t care if another person had an opposite preference.
It got to the point with both of these guys that I had to say, “Look. I really wish you’d stop apologizing all the time. There’s no need to say you’re sorry just because you think my opinion might be different from yours and you don’t want to offend me.”
The thing is, it’s not like I thought these guys were truly sorry for whatever they were apologizing for (and they shouldn’t have been sorry; there was no reason to be). So saying “I’m sorry” was just empty words. The problem is, when apologies are overused they become just that -- empty. I never got to the point with either of these men where they had to apologize for doing something truly awful, but it makes me think that (having heard it so often already) an apology that really needed to be sincere would just seem diluted.
Why do people do this? Is it an attempt to keep the peace? I avoid conflicts, arguments, and drama as much as I possibly can, but that doesn’t mean I go around preemptively apologizing for everything under the sun. It makes me wonder what kind of people have affected the over-apologizers’ lives.
I’ve heard that women tend to apologize more than men. So I wonder, when men hear women apologizing all the time for small, inconsequential things, do they notice it? Does it bother them? Is it as obvious to them as it is to me when a man does it? Or do they not notice it as much coming from a woman because unnecessary apologies are more of an accepted “woman thing?”
A recent Wall Street Journal article, Ways Women Can Hold Their Own in a Male World, lists “Speak assertively” as one of the things we should make sure to do, especially if we want respect in the workplace. They say women should eliminate the phrase “I’m sorry” from their vocabulary unless it’s truly warranted.
Women tend to apologize for situations that they aren't responsible for, which demonstrates weakness...Don't begin sentences with the phrase "I think," as it demeans what you're saying...Take a cue from your male co-workers and be direct and confident. Practice removing any traces of tentativeness from your vocabulary and be declarative when you speak.
Although I do a pretty good job of not over-apologizing, I’m still guilty of saying "I think" too much. Instead of giving a definitive “yes” or “no,” an oft-used response when I’m asked a question is, “I think so.” I notice myself writing it, too. “I think this” or “I think that.” Sometimes I’ll go back and remove the offending phrase, but there are plenty of times when I just have to leave it in there. (It’s probably because whatever I’m saying sounds too forceful without the timid "I think" in front. Like, yes, I do think this, but if someone challenges me I reserve the right to change my mind.)
I’m not sure how to go about completely removing these words from my vocabulary, but being aware that I’m doing it has certainly helped lower their frequency. If I don’t like hearing apologies and timidity from other people, it shouldn’t be okay to have these qualities in myself.
Do you apologize too much?
Related Reading:
Erin Meanley knows that she apologizes too much whether she’s doing “good and winning,” or “bad and losing,” and pledges to “stop saying sorry so darn much.”
Maverick wonders if her tendency to apologize at work is related to her Chinese heritage and the “Chinese norm of saving face and being excruciatingly humble.”
Little Fish realized she apologizes too much when she kept saying “I’m sorry” to an ER doctor -- she was crying in pain after she got hurt.
(Contributing editor Zandria participated in a Help-the-Homeless Walkathon and recently had to utilize the Almost-Hysterical Girl Voice.
