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As an adoptive parent, I get lots of questions. Especially when it comes to either my daughter or my Single Parenthood by Choice status. I get other questions about why I chose to adopt from outside of the US, too, but today what's on my mind is "having" children and being a "real" Mom.
Questions from people I know:
1. Do you want to have a child of your own someday (asking me after they know I'm already a Mom)?
...answer: I have a child of my own.
...response: Well, you know what I mean...
...answer:
Yes, I know what you mean... you mean do I want to have a biological
child. I don't know. But if I have another child he or she may come
from adoptin.
2. What about her REAL mom?
...response: Lil M has two real mothers. I, however, get the absolute joy and blessing of raising her.
Adding
to that, most people assume that either I or Lil M's bio Mom is the
"real" mom...and discount the other. I don't feel that way. Most
believe the Bio mom is the real mom, and neglect the Adoptive Mom. How is that fair? It completely discounts my role of Mother. How would you like that? If someone told you you weren't your daughter or son's real mom because you didn't birth them?
People also assume that "having" a child equates to "birthing"
a child (as I stated above). Just because we've always allowed people to equate having to
birthing doesn't mean it is that way, nor does it have to be that way. Who says the word "have" means to birth? Doesn't have mean to have a child in your life? Have the opportunity to parent? Have the opportunity to be called Mom or Momma or Mother?
If
you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've
always gotten. And, in this case it is crap, in my opinion. Sorry. It is. We have come so far with other issues in America, why can't we change this?
I wish
so much that we could change how people talk sometimes... it's so
ingrained in us and we don't realize it can hurt someone's feelings. Minimizes their feelings, role or life. I
do believe people don't say these things to hurt my feelings on purpose... but it
does. And, God knows how it might make Lil M feel. And that's my
priority. I never, ever want her to think she's not "my own child".
Because she is. I also want her to know that she has two very real
mothers. We just don't know one of them. That doesn't make her any less
real, though. Just like it doesn't make me any less real because my
blood doesn't run through her veins.
Peace,
Melissa
