He Checks Out Other Girls - So What?
By Affair of the Heart on April 21, 2009
I've looked all over the Internet-- and my jaw has dropped at what women find acceptable.
I read several advice questions on boyfriends and husbands who check out other women.
"It's instinct," most women said. "They're guys, it's what they do."
"You have self-esteem issues. It's your fault. Maybe you shouldn't be in this relationship." (woman)
"It's okay as long as they don't act on it. My boyfriend and I check out girls all of the time." (woman)
and my favorite: "If it were me, I wouldn't demand he stop. I'd just let him know how I
feel and watch to see if he has enough respect for me to make an
But, when females checked out other men in front of their boyfriends:
"She is rude and inconsiderate." (woman)
"you should find someone who only has eyes for you" (woman)
"someone who does things like that would strike me as a cheater." (woman)
"she is like cheating with you in her mind when shes right next to you" (man)
Do you remember the old line about women who sleep around are sluts, and men who sleep around are gods? Welcome to the new catch-22, the replacement. According to women on the Internet who shared their opinions of men vs. women checking out the opposite sex in front of their partner, 100% (!!) of women said that it was acceptable for guys to check out girls. 100% of those women also said it was not okay for women to check out other men. How did we get here, ladies? And who is right?
The fact is, it is instinct to glance and eye people of the opposite sex. Whether you're standing in line with your man in the grocery store, or at a restaurant with an attractive waiter, eyes have a habit of falling onto various areas of the opposite sex. But, it must be controlled around your significant other. Anatomy does not change the rule or the reaction. Men cringe just as much as women when their significant others check out other men. They'll stiffen, cough, look away, or call you out depending on their personality; but everyone still feels the same.
There are, ofcourse, exceptions. I used to be, and I know many (and apparently there are a lot of women out there) who said to their boyfriends "I don't care if you check out other women. I'll do it with you." I call it the window-- not a wall. Any woman who is comfortable with their boyfriend or husband checking out other women in front of them has a window, not a wall, up. A window, that once they allow themselves to be vulnerable, becomes easily broken. Women who have walls up seem to be more comfortable with boyfriends eyeing, flirting, and making comments about other women in front of them.
But, why? It isn't acceptable.
It's human nature, but human nature can be censored, controlled, and selectively exercised. Respect your man, and demand the same respect from him. When he is with you, his eyes should be on you, not on the ass, breasts, and legs of another woman. Be aware, there is a difference between observing surroundings and spotting an attractive woman your man cannot tear his eyes away from in front of you. Learn the difference so that you may pick your battles. If you're unsure if his eyes are being as faithful as his hands, watch his eyes when they move around the room. Do they keep falling in the same spot where a young woman sits with her friends? Are they at the level of others, or are his eyes lower?
Last weekend I went out with my boyfriend and a mutual friend. We had a very attractive waitress who served us. My boyfriend has always been good about eyeing other women. It's what I love about him. Sure, I've caught him looking at women, but damn, is he good at being discrete and quick about it. He rarely even turns his head, and instead just moves his eyes. I apprecaite that, and that is acceptable to me. I don't expect him not to, but I do expect him to be respectful about it around me. I do my best not to check out men around him. If I do, I make it VERY quick, as discrete as possible (hey, I'm human, too!)
But last weekend, after over 6 months of dating, he was... Disgustingly obvious. Every time our waitress passed he watched her ass as she walked away. She bent over, his eyes fell. She took our order, her pad right below her chest, and I couldn't help but wonder which he was staring so closely at. I, being flawed myself, got drunk in order to call him out (when I'm drunk, I get away with it. If I'm sober and call him out, I don't handle it as well. Another flaw. 2 really, of mine.) He stared at her breasts when she picked up plates at our table and I said, louder than necessary "OBSERVANT!"
He knew he'd been busted. He knew my feelings were hurt. And he knew it was wrong. He did not look in her direction the rest of the night. Later that night, drunk (ah, lightweight me), he brought it up and I innocently called him out (You may choose your approach. This is mine-- and it works-- thought I don't actually reccomend it, for that would be "poor" advice).
"You checked her out multiple times in front of me," I told him pitifully, "it really hurt me." I threw out examples, then wrapped up the arguement, "I was right next to you and you had the nerve to look at her-- all night." He apologized, and I did not forgive him right away. He denied it, and I asked him how that was even possible to deny with me sitting next to him (stupid, stupid boy..) But he still denied it. "Maybe I did and I didn't even realize. But I swear I didn't mean to do it, or hurt you."
I waited until I was hungover the next morning when he left for a motorcycle test to accept his apology.
It's a respect issue. Be realistic, but don't put up with it. It's okay to not be other with your man eyeing other women. Sure, he isn't physically doing anything wrong. Trust me, if my boyfriend did more, he would've been begging. I understood that it was innocent looking. But being so obvious was disrespectful--and THAT was what hurt. The carelessness.
It's your personal choice for what you will tolerate. Perhaps you are someone who is okay with these actions. But I'd ask why it's okay for you, and why so many women will make excuses for men's behavior and set women on fire for the same behavior. We're all human-- control it.
For more on cheating and statistics check out this blog: http://somethingbabyblue.blogspot.com/2007/04/define-cheating.html
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