He’s Just Not That Into You

You know how the inner dialogue goes. I certainly do. My twenty-something years are full of journal entries scribbling it out. My ping-pong dialogue looked something like this, and I suspect yours sounds pretty dang similar:

He loves me. He must love me. I can tell he really loves me. But then why is he pulling away from me like I suddenly have the cooties? 

Is it because I came on too strong? Am I too much? Too intense? Too passionate? Too threatening? Too successful? 

Or am I not enough? Not pretty enough? Not smart enough? Not interesting enough? Not a good enough kisser? Not talented enough? Not funny enough? 

But I feel like he thinks I’m enough. I feel like he really loves me. So maybe that’s the problem. Maybe his feelings for me are so scary that he has to pull away. Maybe I’m his soulmate and he’s just not ready to meet his soulmate yet. 

Hmmm… what’s the truth? Is he truly, deeply, madly, intimately in love with me? 

Or is he really just not that into me?

The Yearning To Know The Truth


When we’re in a situation like this, we’re often driven to uncover the truth. Even if we can’t do anything to change the outcome, we want to soothe ourselves with the belief that we really are loved and cherished, even when all external evidence points to the contrary.

We tell ourselves, like rubbing balm on our hearts, that he or she really does love us, that we really are valuable, that we’re not making up what we came to feel and believe.

But what if the whole thing was really a figment of longing imagination, rather than a relationship grounded in honest communication and true feelings?

It Doesn’t Matter


When it gets right down to it, it doesn’t really matter whether he or she does or doesn’t.

Whether the object of our affection is madly in love and just scared to death, or whether he’s just not that into you only matters to your ego.

Your Inner Pilot Light doesn’t really care because that soul part of you knows you’re lovable and valuable, not because the object of your affection loves you, but  because you have a little spark of divinity in you, and that makes you inherently lovable and valuable. You don’t need anybody else’s validation to affirm this.

While it may soothe your ego to believe he or she really does love you, even though he or she walked away from the potential of the relationship you desired, the only thing that matters is whether you feel loved – and ultimately, whether that person behaved in a loving way.

  • Questions To Help You Know The Truth

While it doesn’t ultimately matter whether the object of your affection reciprocated your love, asking yourself a few questions can bring you peace by helping you discern the truth.

When you ask for what you need, does the object of your affection prioritize meeting your needs?

Is it always you doing the pursuing?

Is it always you making the sacrifices?

When you stop trying to make the relationship work, what happens?

Do you feel – really feel - loved?

What’s the gut instinct of the people who know you both and have seen you interact? (Beware of BFF’s. Bless their hearts, but they tend to always believe the love was really there just because they love you so much, they figure anyone who doesn’t would be a total fool. Seek guidance from those with less allegiance and fewer biases.)

Is there concrete evidence of love – loving actions, loving words, tender presence, genuine compassion?

When you’re feeling down, do you feel safe sharing your sadness with this person?

When you’re feeling on top of the world, will he or she be genuinely happy for you?

How do you feel in your body when you are with this person? Do you feel open or guarded? Warm or cool? Calm or jittery?

Can You Find Peace Without Knowing?


In the end, you probably won’t ever get a clear answer. You can play the “what if” game forever, or you can choose to find peace with the uncertainty, trusting that the outcome, even if it isn’t the one you desired, is in service to the highest good of all involved.

After all, if he or she desperately loves you but is too chicken shit to take the leap into that love, the relationship won’t be good for you. And if he or she just isn’t that into you, you deserve someone who is.

Let Go


Instead of grasping to the outcome you so desire, try instead, to set goals but release attachment to outcomes. Love with an open heart, acknowledge your desires and set your intentions to enter into a relationship with the object of your affection, pray that whatever is in the highest good be made manifest, and then let go.

Trust that if he doesn’t call you back, it’s for the good of your soul’s journey here on earth.

If she breaks up with you when you’re madly in love, trust that there’s someone else you’re supposed to meet.

If he leads you on then pushes you away, trust all will be as it’s meant to be.

And if one day, she runs back into your open arms, apologizes for being so scared of the depth of her feelings, and asks you to take her back, you can welcome her back in if you still desire her.

But don’t hold your breath.


If you love someone, let him go. And then get ready to love someone else all over again, making sure you’re brave enough to give him permission to break your heart.

Can you resist the temptation to ruminate about a relationship gone awry? Can you trust that whatever happens is for your highest good? Can you live and love and let go?

Share your story in the comments below.

Trying to love fearlessly,

 Lissa Rankin

Comments

In order to comment on BlogHer.com, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.