My mom and I often joke about what's going to happen to her when she gets "old" and is unable to take care of herself. I am certainly not taking care of her and have decided my sister can have the honor. Michelle, my 17 year old, does not like these jokes at all. Not one little bit. The thought of me being old and not being able to take care of HER is not something she finds amusing and these jokes with my mom just drive the kid insane. I can understand that, it's a scary thing to think about.

In May, I saw a post on Nancy White's board about her parents looking at retirement communities.

My folks were in Seattle all last week looking at "retirement communities" - considering a move closer to me. So every day last week we saw 2-3 of these places. Mamma mia, these places are booming. Such a business. Concierges and assisted living. One was doing tequila shots for Cinco de Mayo. But still there were the fears of my parents about "being with old people." Walkers are scary.

I thought "Oh I want to interview them about this process!" Thankfully, both Nancy and her mom, Dolores agreed to answer a few questions I have about choosing a retirement community. Here are some snippets from those interviews.


What led to your decision to look for a retirement community?

Dolores: We would prefer to stay where we are, but with our observations of senior years and health issues we felt it was practical to evaluate retirement communites with multi phase facilities.

Did your children help you with the decision or did their opinions influence your decision?

Dolores: Our children encouraged us to look towards the future and plan our life style choices. They felt we should live near one of them!

Nancy adds this: In 2005 as a family (my parents, brother and sister) all agreed that it would be useful to talk about what my parents want and need going forward in their lives. I had learned many lessons from the illness and passing of my mother in law, and the most important thing that helped me be a supportive family member was knowing what she wanted - in the good times and bad. Without that knowledge, it is really difficult to make plans and improvise when the proverbial rug gets pulled out from underneath us.

Now, I'll admit, I may have been one of those PUSHING this conversation forward. ;-)

Once you started looking for communities, what was the most surprising thing you found?

Dolores: How many are being developed and the differences in age from a new facility to an older one.

Nancy: The most important thing that surprised me was not the communities, it was to discover what mattered to my parents. As we saw all the diversity - as exhausting as that was - what surfaced were the things that mattered.

More in general, retirement communities are a booming new business. You get the SELL! Some of the new ones - the apartments were luxurious and large. Bigger than my house. I learned the food (which is a big focus of attention in our family) ranged from really bad to really quite good. That the people as always, matter the most. Well, that wasn't a surprise, but it was reinforced. How happy is the staff? At any level? If they aren't happy, residents don't seem to be as happy.

What was the most troubling thing?

Dolores: Cost

Did you go into the search with specific criteria like you would do if you were looking for a new home? What types of things were you looking for in a retirement community?

Dolores: Firstly we were trying to become aware of what was offered and become knowledgeable of the differences.

Comfortable housing, facilities available, exercise facilities, social activities, quality food, proximity to one of our children.

I asked Nancy a slightly different question.

Did your ideas regarding the type of community they should look for differ from your parents' ideas?

Nancy: I really had only two aspects I wanted to make sure were on their radar screen. Otherwise my goal was to learn what THEY wanted. I didn't sense they were thinking about the neighborhood a community was in - walkability to things, etc., because they have lived in a car-centric community for so many years. When driving becomes less of an option, having things really close means more. The other aspect was I needed to learn what was a comfortable commute for me so that it will be easy for informal, spontaneous visits (and to get there quick in an emergency.) I learned I wanted them closer than I thought!

Dolores was also kind enough to share some additional thoughts about issues that are causing her and her husband to move slowly in this process.

Dolores: We are still active although I do have peripheral nueropathy and lots of feet problems, so walking too far becomes a problem.

This is no time to sell a house with all the loan problems and buyers aren't too anxious at this point to buy a house. We are starting to de-clutter and get the house up to par though.

They are building a retirement community about 1/2 mile from Nancy and we are dragging our feet to see what it will become, as the proximity is great and there is a shopping center, grocery store and postoffice across the street. I am very anxious to see what this turns out to be, but it won't become a reality until the end of 2008.

I rambled a bit to Nancy about feelings I had about my grandmother moving into a retirement community years ago, and then to an assisted living facility - to put it mildly, I was troubled. I couldn't reconcile the idea of my grandmother being "old" and in "one of those places".

Nancy: Well, I think there are some important distinctions. First, the communities we are looking at are a new model where you have independent and assisted living integrated into a facility. Your apartment, for example, has an independent living license when you move in. But something happens and you need assistance? The license changes to assisted living. So you STAY in your apartment and the services come to you. I think this creates a healthier environment about getting the care you need, not be segregated based on the care you need.

As I also noted, these places designed for the aging baby boomers are plush. Field trips, pool tables, movie theaters, wine bars. Mamma mia. It is a whole new age!

Hmmm ok. That sounds nice. My mom would probably like the movie theaters - she wouldn't have to drive around South Charlotte and worry about getting lost. She likes wine bars, too. Actually, it sounds nicer than most of the military communities I've lived in...

My friend Em doesn't work in a "plush" care facility but she works hard and she provides great care to the residents. Even if their family members make it hard sometimes.

"Do I make myself clear?"

Probably not the best wording to say to someone that cares for your parent. Who washes their soiled peri-area on a daily basis. Who gets called vile names by same said parent. Who still smiles and loves your parent in spite of it all. Because we know it's the disease process and not your parent. We get that, why can't you?

Another friend recently moved her mother in law and her brother in law into two different types of assisted living facilities. The actual move was interesting, to say the least.

Sunday morning we were going up to help unpack and met a woman on the porch who had what she kept referring to as a puppy...she'd found it on the sidewalk during her walk earlier...it appeared to be very premature...it didn't have any hair, had sort of weird head and a really long tail....it was a rat, a baby rat...

we don't know what she did with her puppy, but the security guard was concerned when we left and asked him where she went...

Thank goodness my sister is the one who will be dealing with all of this when my mother starts thinking about retirement communities or assisted living. I'm not sure I can handle it - plush facility with wine bars or not, it all seems pretty stressful to me.

~~Denise
Flamingo House Happenings and Fast Times @ Homeschool High