Healthy Relationships: What I Have Learned

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who was telling me about a friend of hers. This girl is beautiful, smart, and single. My friend mentioned the girl was having a hard time meeting a good guy, to which I replied, “well, that's just downright shocking.” Which is total sarcasm. It's actually not suprising at all. There ARE good guys, great guys in fact. But they are like blue whales or something. They hide and surface rarely. Finding a great man, with a great family, that treats you like gold is hard to find.

The Problem

This is my take on things:

  1. Dudes that go to bars to pick up girls can sometimes (most of the time) be jerks and the good guys stay home playing video games or watch sports with their buds.

  2. Some women are willing to accept less than stellar behavior from men, thus perpetuating the ability of the jerk to do what he does—they can basically get away with it because some women don't expect respect.

There have been many times when I have been in a yoga class, out for lunch with a friend, or at the grocery store and overheard girls/women complaining about some dude that “didn't call them.” Let's be honest. We have all done this at one time or another. Analyzed a man's behavior; tried to figure out the situation like we were Nancy Drew. But I have learned a lot about male behavior and about the female response to men acting like jerks and here's what I always want to say:

A man who knows how great you are WILL call and will ask you out and won't let up till you are his girlfriend. Period. You won't have any need whatsoever to analyze a man when he's the right man because there won't be any guessing with him. If you're guessing how he feels about you, move on.

The Solution

Take a break from dating. Just a few weeks. A few months even. Focus on your hobbies, fitness, healthy eating, spending time with great friends that make you laugh, your family and siblings, your nieces and nephews, your friends children, volunteer at a local women's shelter, a food bank, get into something crafty---whatever you have to do to give yourself some space away from finding a man that suits you. When your life is full of happiness and fun, analyzing men, dating men, and finding men becomes secondary to all that other good stuff you've been up to! The greatest value is that your happiness is number one.

It sounds cliche, but the right man will come along. By taking this break, you give yourself a break from the jerks of the world. Stop discussing their motives and what they, want, need and expect from you. You start focusing on YOU. Your life. Your goals. Your future.

It may seem like I am just spouting off advice. Being all “righteous” about what to do with your life. “She's not single....what does she know?” It is true that I am in a happy relationship. But let me tell you that I, Cat of This and That Cat, hold a Bachelors Degree in Dating Douchebags from the University of Stupid Cat. It's true. I can smell them a mile away at this point. I may have even earned a PhD. for some of the stupid man choices I have made. But I don't beat myself up about it-you live and learn. That's what life is all about. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're not. I also was very lucky to meet the great man I have now. We both know how lucky we are.

Some of the men I have dated may be reading this and thinking, “that BITCH.” Calm yourselves. I am not talking about every man I have dated. There's men I have dated that I have great respect for and wish them nothing but happiness. Sometimes things don't work out and that's totally normal. I am not taking about those men. I am talking about the OTHER men. The losers, the assholes, the douchers, the weenies, the selfish jerks we have all wasted our time seeing, thinking about, talking about, etc. It happens. It's part of being a woman to analyze and try to “figure out” men. We are problem solvers by nature but sometimes we take it too far when it comes to dating.

That being said, I regret none of it because each of those men taught me something very important about myself. They taught me exactly what I did not want, and did not deserve. It was just a matter of figuring that out and making good choices for my future.

The advice I just put forth about taking a break from the dating scene worked for me. When I stopped all of that baloney I met Patrick six months later. I took time to myself that I wanted and needed. I figured out what I wanted, I healed from the mistakes I had made and I knew from the first moment I met Patrick that he thought I was the bomb. And I think he's the bomb too! :)

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