Would You Disown Your Gay Son?

I wish my parents were that understanding, my mum thinks that anyone studying uni would make the rationale choice of being str8, my dad would disown me if he finds me with any guy. I dont like to be asian, there isnt any channels of support for coming out.

No, I wouldn't disown my gay son even though some of the ways gays express their gay-ness is repellent to me. Interestingly enough I don't have the same reaction to lesbians (I have a lesbian aunt I adore)... only gay men.

As for my West African husband, if he had a gay son, yeah... disowned, cut off... no question about it.

My sister is a lesbian and came out to me when I was in high school. She is 3 years older, and honestly, it had never occurred to me to even wonder. I don't care that she is, but it does get complicated when other people are involved - do they know, would she be ok with me telling them, would our parents get upset. Our parents are still dealing. She's been out to them for years, and just got married this summer to an awesome woman. The wedding was stressful, as for a while, my parents refused to let her talk to them about it. They didn't want to hear whatever "awful thing" she had to say. It's hurtful for her and for myself and my other sister. I don't understand their point of view, and for them to reject her wife...it's really hard. It will get harder when my sister and her wife have kids, and we have to lay down the law that her kids are just like our kids and they are all your grandkids.

I have not had to deal with this in my own life (my boys are very young yet, so sexuality hasn't entered the conciousness), but there is nothing my boys could do to make me not love them and support them. Nothing. Period. My husband and I have actually discussed this. On the one hand we hope they are not gay simply because it can mean a rough road potentially in society. As a parent you want things to be all roses for your kids, even if you know that's not possible. However, if they are, that changes nothing for me. I love them unconditionally, and they will never be disowned from our family. I can't imagine loving someone on the condition they make the choices you want them to. Whether is sexuality, career, whatever. You love them. Period. End of story.

"Gay" isn't a choice, nor is "straight,' , but "intolerance" is. When someone chooses to discount another person, to label and put down and decide that some things are a sin and some aren't (that is God's prerogative, not ours) he/she is saying more about herself/himself than about the person being discounted.

Do people choose to be tall? Do people choose to be artistic? (we would if we could, right?) Is "Caucasian" a choice? Are people "Asian" because they chose to be? Some people sing beautifully because they chose to, right? These things are beyond our control.

I am not sad because there are gay people, or straight people, or tall people, or short people, etc. I am, however, sad because there are judgmental people who insist that their own opinions are the only right ones. Self-righteousness is indeed a sin; it IS a choice.

Most censors, whatever the category, judge without even reading, watching, finding out, etc. Most gay-bashers I've encountered don't even know any people who are in any way different from themselves. I assume that knowledge might play havoc with a rock-bound belief system based mostly on a very obvious lack of love of any kind.

Then again, it's a lot easier to judge and hate than to understand and actually know.

Awesome topic. Gay people no more choose their sexuality than we do our natural hair color. I know many gays and love them all. My best friend was gay and he killed himself slowly (drinking) from the shame that he never got over because of intolerate people who called him names and refused to accept him as the wonderful person he was. The problem is that some people live in a very small world, have very little ability to empathize or understand. The bible says that no person should judge. It also says that you should stone a woman to death for adultery amongst other ridiculous things. Love is always the answer. If you are not gay then you cannot possibly understand how it feels but I can assure you, it isn't' a choice. Your God created these people and they don't need to change to be treated the same as all of us.

Good for you, Xina143 for seeing the signs early and creating a loving environment for your son. I only wish the rest of our society was as safe, kind and open minded. It is so sad.

When I was growing up, 2 of my favorite people were gay. One was a friend and 1 a first cousin. They have since died of AIDS, and I have never seen a more cruel disease. I want to protect my kids from any disease, hardship, and pain. I know that isn't possible, but I do think you & your husband did Corey a great service to speak openly and discuss protection. I hope that my kids, 9 & 7 always know they can talk to me. We have open communication now- I'd rather them ask me than anyone else. I am a Christian mom who is raising my kids to the best of my ability.

I do not believe this is a "choice" issue. Puberty and relationships are hard enough, why would someone WANT to add the extra stress of coming out and being "against the norm" if they didn't believe it was who they were? I also believe that my children are a gift from God. Not returnable, not disownable or unloveable for any reason whatsoever. They are my flesh and blood- and whomever they choose as a mate will be my family.

Thanks for posting and causing me to search my heart for how I feel and what I believe.

Would I disown my gay son, by which I mean my son, for a gay choice, by which I mean a choice, that was no gay or straight person's, by which I mean person's, business, by which I mean BUSINESS?

Why would I do that? I mean, unless I had shit for brains and an anvil for a heart?

What kind of person disowns his/her child because their beliefs differ? I guess we know the answer to that one, huh.

Nobody controls someone else's heart. Heck, we can't even control our own.

We can, however, control our outward reactions to someone else's heart's decision. Decent, intelligent people can, anyway.

Reacting with horror and rejection is a choice. Reacting with love is also a choice.

If my son was gay, nothing would change. Unless you see not worrying about making sure the guest room had tampons as a change.

Get a life, y'all, and while you're living it, let others live theirs, too.

I believe that homosexuality is a choice. And that it is a sin. While I would not disown my child, I would look upon the sin as I would any other. I wouldn't tolerate drinking, drug use, premarital sex, and I wouldn't tolerate my child giving into the sinful desires of homosexuality either.

My daughter is gay and we have never been anything but completely supportive and understanding. Her partners parents, on the other hand, have had a very difficult time adjusting and at times, have made things very hard on the girls. Perhaps in time they will learn that this wasn't a choice that the girls just woke-up and made one day. I hope they learn to embrace them both and the love they share for one another.

Several of my high school friends have come out since high school and at least one of them has been disowned by his mother (dad wasn't in the picture). I remember him as an angry teenager with a much deeper sadness than anyone should have behind his eyes. While a It's really sad that his mom won't see him anymore, he is now so happy with his life and his life partner that his eyes absolutely sparkle. The difference is astounding. Life is long.

Our kids will do all kinds of things we don't understand or don't agree with. I could never in a million years imagine disowning my child if he/she was gay and I think those parents you mentioned that are doing that to their own son should be ashamed of themselves. Those parents are clearly weak and find it easier to run away and pretend their son doesn't exist than to love him and learn acceptance..

As I read this as a mother of a gay son and your absolutely perfect approach, well, you asking for how others to divulge how they handled it felt a little silly. In my opinion, it felt to me as if you were preaching how it should be done and waving your hands up and down saying, "look how perfectly we have handled our gay son coming out." Here I am clapping loudly for you!! To then ask people to divulge if they handled it differently, well, c'mon? Seriously? Do you think anyone would want to tell you they did it any other way?

Your ultimate question was asking a parent if they would disown their child? Most parents know the answer society expects them to give, correct? And it does seem you have judged and deemed any other approach or feeling, well, less than acceptable.

I would hope that nothing my children would do would cause me to want to disown them but I am careful with absolutes (although they are 23 and 20 and I have never come close) and I choose to try to walk a mile before I begin judging. I do hope the family you wrote about heals and works it out with their son.

We did not disown our son for being gay and like you we do not believe it is a choice but I am glad my son is a loving young man and tolerant of others beliefs. He often jokes that he is the only conservative gay. My son is 23 years old and he understands that many people hold their faith in their hearts. He was raised Catholic, he knows that both his parents were raised Catholics and his Grandfather, age 82 is a diehard Catholic. My son was worried about breaking the news to us because he completely understood that our faith is a large part of our life and he figured we would have reconcile everything BUT he knew in his heart that we would and he said he knew would would never kick him out, he just knew it would be hard on us because of our faith. What a loving son I have raised! Now, He admitted he was most worried about his Grandfather and he said, "Wow, Grandpa said, I will love you forever and no matter what." What he didn't realize is the reason I am so tolerant is because I was raised by that loving man.

We love our son very much but I have had to work things out deep down in my soul, my faith is a strong part of my life. What I love most is I have raised a loving, tolerant young man who understands why people struggle and he doesn't discount their beliefs or call them nuts for their religious values, instead he respects them and is just as tolerant because he wants the same respect. He feels you build bridges and respect by tolerance,love and some understanding.

So, maybe I should have some clapping,even though I am Catholic! You know, a religious nut, I guess. Oh, and what is even funnier, my son is a Conservative Republican and I am a Moderate,he laughs all the time because he is very active in politics and those of you who think all the conservative republicans are religious fanatics against gays, well, he is the first one to tell you to think again. My son happily says, "It is nice to see things change but boy the media loves to cause problems or create a lot of stereotypes." I know I am getting off topic but we really do need to stop pigeon holing people.

Parents who disown their children for "choosing" to be gay absolutely sicken me and my heart breaks for those kids. I used to facilitate a support group for gay teens and I have heard multiple heart breaking stories just like this.

Yes, yes I would. BUT only if he becomes a gay man who supports Benfica.

Yes, it's a soccer team that's a rival to the one my grandfather played for in the 20's, and yes, I'm being facetious.

For anything less, hell to the no.

And for those who are quoting scripture, give me a break. If Jesus of the ancient world is hanging out with lepers and tax collectors, do you think he'd even register something like homosexuality? He certainly seemed more preoccupied with other matters. Out of 13 years of religious education, I never once heard "dump your child." I never heard, either, that we, as mere earthlings, have a corner on the list of who's going to hell. But I'm glad someone's apparently getting the memo in their gmail inbox.

And dumping your child for being gay, that's as stupid as dumping your child over a soccer team. After all, my mom was BORN in the neighborhood of Benfica and we still let her sit at the table at Christmas.

Sexual orientation is very relevant in relationships. And I also have to suggest that anyone who takes a religious attitude study the very complex and long history of religion and it's relevance at the time it is studied.

I admire your love-first attitude. You and your son will always be happy that he was able to trust you. And please keep in mind that anyone who tries to tell you that your love for your son doesn't fit with "Christian" beliefs, that the main message of Christ was always "Love one another as you love me." He didn't mention any exceptions.

From reading the comments it seems I may be the only conservative you will hear from. Maybe BlogHer members do trend more liberal! Haha!

That said I think you are correct in handling this development in a loving way that does not conflict with any of your values, beliefs etc. Im really happy for Corey. In my opinion if you are not a believer in the Gospel and what Jesus preaches then you shouldn't take issue with having a gay family member. Who cares! It's their choice and if you are fine with that lifestyle choice than great!

Coming from a Christian perspective I think it's important to realize not everyone believes, as you do, that there is nothing wrong with this lifestyle choice. I have to be honest I am struggling with knowing how to handle these situations myself (not to say my son is gay or anything, he's only 19 months!). But I do know that the Bible preaches that "nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals...will inherit the kingdom of God." (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). So yes Im sorry I would be saddened with someone I love proclaiming homosexuality because I want them to inherit the kingdom of God and be with Him for eternity. I will say that no matter what people I come across in my life I would hope to treat them with the Love of Christ no matter who they are or what the believe. It only becomes an issue for me when that person was raised with the knowledge of Christ and proclaims Jesus as His savior but lives a homosexual lifestyle. That to me is just too contrary to biblical teaching.

But back to your stance and those that do not believe as I do there really is NO reason why they should take issue with homosexuality.

Thanks so much for listening and posting such an honest article! : )

Kate

My sister-in-law is gay. My three stepdaughters have all had same-sex relationships. Their aunt on their mother's side is gay. In our family it is a non-issue. They are all wonderful people deserving of love and support. Sexual orientation is irrelevant.

If a parent rejects their child on sexual preference alone..that is really sad.

Being gay can sometimes be more complex of an issue. In the course of my formal education I learned that sexual identity is established about age 7. If, however, the concept of being 'gay' is not understood..well. Certain personality disorders can include sexual behavior that is not specific I think.

I too would absolutely NOT disown any gay kids, mine or other people's. I am very sad to share this is not a rare thing however...I do a lot of work in the youth rights arena and can tell you there are a LOT of kids being sent away to get "fixed" and are ending up traumatized. I know about these places because as a teen I was sent away too, for getting in trouble though not being gay, and I have seen some of what these places can do to a person. IF you know anyone thinking of sending their kid away please help them do some research...these places that take kids to "fix" them are no good...just check out the cases going on related to the "Troubled Teen Industry" ... Straight Inc. is a school to watch in particular. You can also watch "Over the GW" to get an idea of what these places do.

Thank you for talking about this issue...it seems like an elephant in the room so much of the time and it is SUCH a relief to hear a SUPPORTIVE LOVING PARENT share their experience. Thank you for loving and accepting your son unconditionally.

THANK YOU

I don't understand how someone could disown their child. Would they rather their child stay in the closet and be miserable? There is such a huge rate of suicides among gay teenagers because of the judgement and how others make them feel that being who they are is wrong, dirty, a sin, etc. I am very passionate about believing that a person should be able to love who they fall in love with and not matter if it is the same sex as them or not.

no, i would never disown either of my children because of sexual orientation. not ever. i love them too much. being heterosexual doesn't even come into my thoughts of them so why would gay or bi? i would be/say/do exactly as you are. volunteer to march with them? heck yeah! i wouldn't start a conversation with the sentence "karen my gay daughter" of course i wouldn't treat them differently! it's 2012!

Hi, I'm her son! Gotta love my awesome mother huh?

I wonder, maybe the BlogHer audience skews more "liberal"/open to variety?

I'm not a parent, but I would absolutely embrace and reassure a gay child, and I have 'counseled' / been there for people coming to terms with non-heterosexuality.