Hello, Grief, I thought you'd pissed off already

Grieving process

There are milestones in the year – birthdays, anniversaries, special times – which were celebrated in life and which are then necessarily commemorated after the death of a loved one.

It is these milestones which remind me every year that I am not in control of the grieving process.

Being one used to being in control of herself, events and others, this size does not fit well on me.

Wiser widows and widowers than me, believe part of my acute suffering (and it is acute, let’s just put that shit out there truthfully once and for all) is because I am trying to pre-empt the grieving process. To be in control of it. Disbelief (tick); Depression (tick);  Angry? (bloody tick).

And I don’t put this out here to depress anyone, frighten anyone or have anyone worry that I am not coping. I am still on my feet, my children are well and the business of life goes on about its business. So there is a coping of sorts going on for sure.

No, I am laying testament to these feelings because the run-up to this particular milestone can be a very black hole for me and which, if I am not careful, threatens always to suck me into it in the way of big black sucky holes.

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