HELP: I've Turned Into a Morning Person!!!!

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible. ~Jean Kerr, Please Don’t Eat the Daisies

When other little girls wanted to be ballet dancers I kind of wanted to be a vampire.

~Angelina Jolie

Recently, I had a realization: through no fault of my own (aside from taking all of the steps necessary to do so), I have become a morning person.

Contrary to Montez‘ opinion, there is actually nothing inherently wrong with being a morning person. As a matter of fact, it’s great in many ways . A few personal examples:

__ I routinely wake up before dawn for work. Being a morning person makes it easy to stick to an early schedule even on my days off (though I will admit to sometimes feeling resentful when bedtime is  9pm).

__ Children are tiny little people who wake up full of energy. A helpful man once told me that if kids aren’t given an opportunity to release some of that life force, they turn blue and it’s very painful. Being a morning person helps simplify this process…a little…although, now that I think about it, I may be mixing facts on this one…

__ I get many errands done…in theory.

__ In the summertime, I can exercise outdoors in the early hours without bursting into flames!

__ There’s little to no traffic.


While unwittingly trading myself to the morning team has its benefits, leaving my night owl days behind presents a few…challenges:

__ In my experience, most people my age (give or take ten years in either direction) very much enjoy doing things at night. While clubbing and partying have never been my preferred forms of socializing (with the exception of about 6.5 non-consecutive years. STFU), lately I feel like grandma: I’m THIRTY and like to stay in, get to sleep by a decent hour, and greet the sun (once it gets its lazy ass up). Also, from time to time I crochet and have done so for over TWENTY YEARS. Wow.

__ I’m pretty much the only MP I know with whom I also enjoy speaking (damn grammar police! Btw, how can I join?). In the service of preventing my own justifiable homicide, I must keep all of my super-duper interesting and thought-provoking…thoughts to myself for the first few hours I’m awake. This can be difficult because I am VERY. INTERESTING.

__ Since I’m often one of the only lunatics creatures stirring in the very early morning hours, common decency dictates that I be quiet. This can be difficult because I am clumsy. VERY clumsy.

__ My lifelong dream of becoming a vampire seems slightly less practical now.

If after that last bit you’ve chosen to continue reading my blog, 1) *phew* thanks—I owe you! and 2) let me try to “defend” myself. Obviously, I am not the only person who is into vampires: True Blood is “HBO’s most watched series since The Sopranos. The show was declared the eighth highest rated show for the first ten years of Pro (2002-2012)”iDead Until Dark, the first of the Southern Vampire Mysteries series and the book upon which the first season of True Blood is based, was originally printed in May 2001; in less than 12 years, more than seventy-five editions in a variety of formats and languages have been produced. As of December 2013, there will be a total of 14 novels in the SVM series and many other related short stories and novellas. The Twilight novels and movies…exist. In October of 2012, two friends and I road-tripped up to Salem, MAii; more than a week before Halloween, there were hundreds of people in line for fake fangs. Google “vampire” and more than 322 million hits are returned; as of 2/25/13, that’s a million more than “zombie”, more than half as many as “Jesus”, and about 66% of what “Jason Beaver” has inspired.

While Western culture probably gave few fucks about vampire mythology before the publication of Bram Stoker’s Dracula in 1897 (I ASSume), the rest of the world was long ago seduced by the myth of the bloodsucker: “there are clear foundations for the vampire in the ancient world, and it is impossible to prove when the myth first arose. There are suggestions that the vampire was born out of sorcery in ancient Egypt, a demon summoned into this world from some other”iii. And though Europeans of the Middle Ages feared the revenant, their superstitions do not come close to the modern vampire obsession—it’s practically a pandemic. But why?

I’ve been intrigued by vampires for basically my whole life. I recall studying my canines in the mirror and wondering not only how much better fangs would look, but when mine would “come in” as early as age four. One of my absolute favoritest birthday celebrations EVER involved seeing the theatrical release of “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” (on a school night, no less)—I was nine. In sixth grade, I was introduced toInterview With the Vampire by Anne Riceiv; that summer, my family reunion just happened to take place in New Orleans and…well…I was disappointed to return toNJ as a human yet again. My freshman year of high school, I adopted the “goth” fashion style; my personal interpretation skewed vampyv. I’ll probably never know what exactly triggered my fascination with fangers, but there are some theories as to why people in general are so intrigued.

According to Dr. Belisa Vranich, many of us like them because “vampires are loners, but not lonely. Often people feel alienated, feel special, different, misunderstood at some point in their lives. This is a feeling a child as well as an adolescent can experience”. Okay—that seems reasonable, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a big, fat part of what got me hooked. According to Joan “really?!” Raymond, womenvi specifically flock to the cult of vampires because not only are they sexy, but “every girl wants to have sex with them” so that makes them even sexier…? I’ll venture a guess that the whole being immortal thing is probably piques many people’s interest. Knolyourself contends that vampires command so much attention “because they run the world”. And finally, there is Darren Shan‘s very interesting take: “The same reason people are so interested in religion – the possibility of them gives us the notion that we might be more than we are. Mankind has been kicking against its nature since the dawn of the first Neanderthals. We don’t want to be meaningless evolutionary quirks”vii.

It seems safe to say that vampires and our love of them are here to stay so…wtf do I do? No, I don’t actually believe that vampires exist (sorry to be judgmental guysbut…no. Just…NO), but, well, full disclosure? About 5% of me not-so-secretly-anymore will probably always wish that they did for a variety of reasons. As long as the belief doesn’t derail my life in any way, I think that’s a-okay—and besides, as I’ve made clear, this little quirk of mine (hint hint, wink wink) is more than 25 years in the making. Let’s just accept this as a part of who I am, mmmkay? But…how do I reconcile my dark dream with my relatively new love of morning life? How can I accommodate this nascent affinity for the early pleasures while still holding on, ever tenuously, to a dream that has been a HUGE part of my personal identity for so long? I don’t fucking know, but if the issue ever seriously presents itself I will just have to remember Louis’ take on his last sunrise:

“I remember it completely…the light came first to the tops of the French windows, a paling behind the lace curtains, and then a gleam growing brighter and brighter in patches among the leaves of the trees. Finally the sun came in through the windows themselves and the lace lay in the shadows on the stone floor…and I could feel it on my hands on the counterpane and then on my face. I lay in bed thinking about all the things the vampire had told me, and then it was that I said good-bye to the sunrise and went out to become a vampire.”

… “Do you miss it?” he asked then in a small voice.

“Not really,” said the vampire. “There are so many other things.”viii

There damned well better be.


iBtw, the show came out in 2008…this fact comes from my brain because I’ve been a watcher all this time…even through the last few seasons, which kinda blew. Technically, I’ve been hate-watching. Thanks, hipsters: I really love the concept of hate-doing things!

iiLOVING the website’s tagline: “Salem: Still Making History”. Wow.

iiiExcerpted from “Vampires: The Real History” by Benjamin Radford.

ivNo, she didn’t personally introduce me to it. Bitch.

vNow that I think about it, my first email addy originated during that, which is “vamp” plus my first name in reverse. Hmmm…wonder if I can fit a gif down here…


viSomething to consider…

viiExcerpted from an interview he gave to

viiiExcerpted from Interview With the Vampire


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