HELP my marriage is almost over

Please leave a comment.

I need help. I know this is a BlogHER website and that is why I am posting here. I know I can get the right advice.

My wife and I will have been married 19years on October 3, 2007. She is the absolut love of my life. I
About 4 weeks ago, she said she thinks we are done. We talked most of the night and here are some of the things that came up. Before that, here is our background. We met when she was a junior in a highschool and I just graduated. After a couple of months, she moved in with me in my appartment. She was 16 and I was 18. About a year later we got married and 2 years after that had our first of 2 children. Both kids are now in high school with the oldest graduating later this school year. My wife had never had a job until earlier this year. She is now seeing there is so much out there in life she has not seen. She has had no other life other than what I provided for her. She never even completed highschool. She was a stay at home mother. Now the kids are not really needing her as they are getting older and about to graduate and she is lonely and of no longer any use to the family. As much as I try to prove to her how much I need her. she still seeks independance.

After our talk that night, I learned I had neglected her for many years. In my mind, things were great. I knew she was lonely, but I never acted on it. She just took her GED and is now looking into college courses. She wants to feel indendence she says. Everything we have in our life, cars, savings, house etc, I bought. She feels she has not contributed anything to this marriage and to life in general othet than raising the children. She also met a man who comes into her place of employment. They text each other all the time and or call each other. She says it is only a friend and she has never had a friend since high school, 19 years ago. This man is divorced and has a couple of children in college. I have seen this man and he is ulgy, fat, and well, just the opposite of someone that a normal person would find attractive. She said thier connection is that she is unhappy in the marriage and he has been through a divorce so he understands.
I have tried over the last 4 weeks to show her how much she means to me. We went out on a date. I have sent her flowers to work. I even stopped by yesterday to take a a single flower since I was passing by her job. I kiss her, hold her, touch her and everything I can think to do to prove to her how much I love her and miss her. I get upset and miss her, all day long. I want to call her, text her, something, just to get cose to her. Now she says I am clingy. She needs alone time. First it was I am not there, even when we are together, I am not there. I realized that and trying so hard to prove I want this marriage to work and I love her and need her and now she says I am to clingy.
Please tell me she does not want out of this relationship but only staying in long enough to get through college and get a good job only to leave me. We are seeing a counsler next week. I am unsure what the counselor can tell her that will make her stay. I am in and very engaged. My fault is I guess it took me to long to get engaged.
I am unsure of what to do. She said she loves me but does not think she is in love with me. What do I do? I can not imagine a life without her. I tell her that and she says that is not natural. In otherwords, she wants out of this relationship but does not know how?
I tell her all the time I love her, I miss her. I know, I should have been saying it years ago. PLEASE, I am talking to all of you. Some one please help me win back my wife.
Lloyd Mcpherson
LCMCPHERSON@HOT.RR.COM

‹ If you could ask LOVE one question, what would it be? 8 year relation gone bad ›
Submitted by Lloyd (view blog) on Fri, 09/14/2007 - 13:46
Comments (9)

Comments

 

I am not sure HOW to receive

I am not sure HOW to receive your comments. I see 20+ people have read this in the last 15 minutes. I do not see comments.

Submitted by Lloyd on Fri, 09/14/2007 - 11:53
 

I can't tell you what you want to hear

Unfortunately the only person who can tell you the truth is your wife. And if she does not want to remain married, for whatever reason, there's not much I can say or you can say to change that.

You say you're going to begin marriage counseling, that's the best thing you two can do. I don't know what the results will be from your work with the counselor but it really is your best shot.

Good luck to both of you.

~Denise
Fast Times @ Homeschool High & Flamingo House Happenings

Submitted by Denise on Fri, 09/14/2007 - 11:59
 

Thank you for the response.

Thank you for the response. I hope the it works. I am unsure what she is hoping for from the counselor. Not sure if is it support or looking for some answer.

Submitted by Lloyd on Fri, 09/14/2007 - 12:09
 

Believe it or not this is a sacred time...you
just can't see it.

Check out www.marriagemax.com Good luck! My advice---work on you. Win back you. If you are empty then you have nothing to give. Work on you. Spend this time checking into your heart and soul.
Recommeded readings: 1. The One, Discovering The Secrets Of Soul Mate Love, by Kathy Preston. 2. Spiritual Divorce, Divorce As A Catalyst For An Extraordinary Life, by Debbie Ford.

Don't let the title of #2 freak you out. I am not suggesting divorce, just this book--I found it to be quite illuminating. I am not suggesting shit, but these books. Hang in and be cool.

Love,
Babz
www.lovebabz.blogspot.com
my life. my journey.

Submitted by Lovebabz on Fri, 09/14/2007 - 12:41
 

TY

I appreciate your help. Thank you for the advice on the books. I look forward to reading some.

Submitted by Lloyd on Fri, 09/14/2007 - 15:07
 

Love Is Not Confinment or Containment

I don't know the truth of the situation. Only what you have said. I do know a little about emergence, of discovering that there is a world beyond what you have known.

If you wife was the primary caretaker of the kids and you had no real relationship with her other than as mother/provider then maybe from her point of view she is unwilling to be confined or taken care of any longer. The world has changed in 19 years. You both have changed.

You love and her love have to be based on mutual respect of who you are, what you want in the relationship and what is best for the other person. That might mean a trial separation or a divorce. It might also mean that both of you decide (with help) to work it out.

Here is the kicker. You are on an involuntary journey. No matter what you do your wife might decide that leaving is the best thing. You might have to start preparing and accepting for that possibility. It is hard to feel this way when you are being emotional whacked upside the head.

You also need to prepare and accept that you will be fine. You will hurt like hell and feel worse but in time you will be ok.

Even if she stays it will not be like it was before. Change is in progress and you can't stop that no matter how hard you try. Take each day one moment at a time. Do the best you can.

Here are some links that might be helpful:

David Deida http://www.deida.info

Sounds True - spiritual (not necessarily religious) and life affirming discussions
http://soundstrue.com and Hay House http://www.hayhouse.com

Divorce Magazine
http://www.divorcemag.com

Gena - Out On The Stoop

Submitted by Gena Haskett on Fri, 09/14/2007 - 15:39
 

Awesome information. I

Awesome information. I appreciate you, your thoughts and comments.

Submitted by Lloyd on Sat, 09/15/2007 - 05:04
 

she wants out?

Wow Ive been married for 16 yrs pretty much been with my wife since she was a sophmore in high school. My realshion came to this point where you are at like 9 yrs ago.. and i felt the same way you feel right now... I MEAN I CAN FEEL YOURE PAIN. MY ANSWER WAS MARRIAGE COUNCELING..Not only did i get my marriage backin line. BUt personaly I am a better person, right now me and my wife are going threw a rocky marriage , but ont thing for sure if it wasnt for the counceling i wouldent be the person i am today and i know that it did help and it is a good thing to do, back then i couldent deal with separation, Now i think i can deal with it better. if it was to happen, all i can tell you is go ahead with the counceling is a great thing to do like my councelor told me back then "this counceling can help wqith matrimony or it can help you guys go youre ways ina a peacefull way" But u defenetly have to go threw it all the way....i mean even if u feel they are picking on you. u have to go threw it !

Submitted by sammy39 on Wed, 10/03/2007 - 07:32
 

I will take a more practical

I will take a more practical approach to your dilemma. If your wife wants to feel independence then help her out. If she wants to go to college, drive her over to the local university and help her matriculate. If she wants to become a financial contributer to the household, tell her to pay the electric bill. Give her the checkbook to balance and have her meet with the financial planner to organize the retirement funds. She wants independence, self-sufficiency and not clinginess, so give it to her.

Submitted by Femponderer on Mon, 10/29/2007 - 16:46
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