Help For When Mother's Day Isn't Happy
by Rachelle Mee-Chapman

Next Sunday is Mother’s Day in the States. For some this is a time to celebrate and fawn, thank and praise. For others it is a day that highlights their lack, or shines a spotlight on their sorrow. A complicated day then – and not at all as simple as the row of supermarket greeting cards seems to attest.

In 1997 my first child, Simeon, arrived stillborn and a I passed through a Mother’s Day in a queer state of being. I felt I had become a mother, yet I had no one to mother. People kept saying that I had “lost” a baby. The terminology troubled me and I struggled to find better words to describe what I was experiencing.

This year a dear friend is mourning the loss of her first child, who’s heart stopped beating midway through her second trimester. As I try to be a good traveling companion to her on the journey, memories and feelings from Simeon’s pregnancy and birth have come rushing back. Now I have so many more resources at my fingertips. Now help is a hand.

So on this Mother’s Day I offer these resources to you – for yourself, for a friend. And I hope that in the midst of the complicated emotions Mother’s Day might bring you may find among them, hope.

_______________

If you need a gift to memorialize a child turn to Stacy, the soulful artist at Bella Wish. Stacy makes personalized pendants which make a lovely traditional Mother’s Day gift. She can also help you find a way to support and remember someone on a more difficult journey. (She’s making my friend a set of pendants that say “carry” and “hope.” What words might help someone you know through their trying time?)

If you or someone you know are mourning the unexpected end of a pregnancy or trying to survive a child’s death, Jenny Schroedel’s new book “Naming the Child: Hope-filled reflections on miscarriage, still birth and child loss offers heartfelt stories and suggestions for both mourning and remembering. I’m honored that Jenny included Simeon’s story in her book. She handled our story with respect and care, as she does all the stories on her beautiful and helpful website.

At Surviving Baby there’s an excellent list of practical to “do’s and don’ts” in the post What to do When Her Baby Dies.

If you are on a journey through fertility Melissa Ford has a fantastic website, Stirrup Queens, and has recently published all her findings in her new book Navigating the Land of If: Understanding Infertility and Exploring your Options.

If you need to follow the story of ‘someone like you’ I highly recommend the poetic Kate at Sweet Salty, who writes about the loss of one of her twin sons, and the joy of mothering the two boys who are still with her. 

Also on my list of recommendations is Jennell Paris at the Paris Project who writes frankly and thoughtfully about the loss of her triplets and her journey through pregnancy and parenthood. Jennell’s article When Mother’s Day is Hard is especially timely.

Rachelle Mee-Chapman is an alt.minster, mom, write, and American ex-pat in Denmark. You can find her at Magpie Girl, follow her on Twitter, and friend her on Facebook. Thank you for reading!

Submitted by Rachelle Mee-Chapman (view blog) on Sun, 05/03/2009 - 10:04am

Comments

 

Sometimes you lose your

Sometimes you lose your mother instead of the other way around and even though I celebrate with my children my heart is not in it.

Submitted by insider53 on Sun, 05/03/2009 - 16:16
 

Losing your Mother

The death of a parent is such a primal loss! It's so good to acknowledge that and carve out little ways to grieve and remember. May you find such moments this mother's day.

Yours,

Rachelle

Rachelle Mee-Chapman blogs at magpie-girl.come and tweets @magpiegirl.

Submitted by Rachelle Mee-Chapman on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 03:52
 

ditto

Insider53, same here. It hurts because I love my lil one so much. Maybe things will change as she gets older and can make Mother's Day more for me with her own hands. My mom died a few days after Mothers day while I was pregnant.

Submitted by veronicaeye on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 10:43
 

Or you never had the mother you needed to
begin with.

My mother was and is a terrible mother.  She is mentally ill for one thing.  But every Mother's Day she paraded us to some restaurant for brunch where they gave her a flower just for giving birth, and we pretended that she wasn't an emotionaly abusive tyrant.  I hated the forced adoration.  I still hate the holiday.

I'm a mother now, and I would love to ignore the day entirely.  My husband's family always wants to celebrate with his mother which adds another complicated layer.  I can't get into the idea of *wanting* to spend a holiday with your mother that celebrates her even though logically I can see how wonderful his mother is and how great it is that all her children want to celebrate with her.

Sigh...thanks for bringing this up even if my issues are nothing like yours.  I'm glad someone acknowledges that it isn't all puppies and roses on this day.

Submitted by LucindaA on Sun, 05/03/2009 - 17:28
 

Never Having the Mother you Needed

Lucinda,

 Oh, this is all so complicated isnt' it? Is there some way you can acknowledge your own loss on that day? What would it look like to honor that grief in your life? Maybe if it had a place to live, you could celebrate your MIL with more ease? Let your heart dream something for you....

I'd love to write another post about non-traditional mothers. There are those people out there who mother us when and how our birth-mother can't. What do you say readers? Who are those people in your life? Are you that kind of stand-in mom to someone? How do you honor and remember these women? And if there's no one like that for you, how do you deal with that loss?

Rachelle Mee-Chapman blogs at magpie-girl.come and tweets @magpiegirl.

Submitted by Rachelle Mee-Chapman on Mon, 05/04/2009 - 03:55
 

One More Resource: Poetry (Free)

Rachel Barenblat is a long time favorite of mine at Velveteen Rabbi. She's made Through, her collection of beautiful, supportive poems about miscarriage available as a free pdf, read aloud as an MP3, or as a chapbook for a low cost-only price. This is a wonderful resource if you want to find something inspiring to include in a card to a friend who is mourning, or to nurture your own soul through loss and into recovery.

 

Submitted by Rachelle Mee-Chapman on Tue, 05/05/2009 - 09:11
 

another resource

Compassionate Freinds.org was a life raft for friends of mine. Here is what their homepage says:

Grief Support After the Death of a Child
.
“The Compassionate Friends is about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again.”
.
—Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends
.
The words of TCF’s Founder, Simon Stephens resonate with those who have come to The Compassionate Friends hoping to find a purpose in a life that suddenly seems so empty.
.
Whether your family has had a child die (at any age from any cause) or you are trying to help those who have gone through this life altering experience, The Compassionate Friends exists to provide friendship, understanding, and hope to those going through the natural grieving process.
.
Through a network of more than 600 chapters with locations in all 50 states, as well as Washington DC and Puerto Rico, The Compassionate Friends has been supporting bereaved families after the death of a child for nearly four decades.
.
The National Office and its staff also provide many levels of support to our chapters, as well as individual responses to those who call on the phone, contact us through our website, or send an e-mail that simply says, “My child has died. Help me!” We will be here as long as you need us. That is our commitment to you.
.
Time has proven that in caring and sharing comes healing. We welcome you to The Compassionate Friends—“Supporting Family After a Child Dies.”

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Submitted by Mata H on Wed, 05/13/2009 - 08:22