There’s been a number of articles recently about the number of teenagers who are once again not taking on summer jobs (http://www.usatoday.com/money/
companies/management/2008-06-05-summer-jobs-ceos_N.htm).

Frankly, I think their parents must be saints. Not because they are supporting their teens’ summer drinking habits, but because non-working teens generally equal teens who are underfoot 24/7, all summer long. And when they’re not, they’re in your car, burning up $4/gallon gas. Your gas.

Some people may love their children that much, but I am not one of them.

Ellie, Annie and I got together to commiserate about the prospect of a summer full on teenagers underfoot. I said, “We need to present a united front—that way they can’t use each other as an excuse. If they’re all forced to get jobs, then none of them will be able to complain about someone being able to hang out all day doing nothing.” Annie said, “I was thinking of having them do chores around the house, maybe paint the shutters.” I said, “You pay your kids to do stuff like that?” She said, “Yes, don’t you?” I shook my head no. I said, “I tell them they’re working for their supper…and their lunch and all that damn Gatorade they drink.”

Ellie signaled the waitress for another round as Susan arrived. She took a sip of my drink and asked what the topic was. Annie said, “Finding jobs for our teenage sons.” Susan rolled her eyes. She said, “At my college none of the kids hold summer jobs. They all seem to go off to Costa Rica to do community service or impress college admissions people.”

Ellie said, “I’ve heard about this Costa Rica scam. They all volunteer to go down to some beach in Central America and help the poor, but all the poor seem to be conveniently located on a gorgeous white beach somewhere.” I said, “Where do I sign up?”

The waitress arrived with our drinks. Susan asked how old she was and she said she was in her 20’s working her way through grad school. After she left I said, “I waitressed for several years—and when I got out of college I swore I’d never do it again.” Ellie asked, “And did you?” I said, “No, I went to work as a housekeeper. It was a pretty good gig, though one time I did set the washing machine on fire and the fire trucks came screaming down the street as the family arrived home. I never did figure out who called them.”

Susan said, “I read an article that says summer jobs prepare you for future careers. You waitressed and cleaned toilets—what career did that prepare you for?” and I said, “Parenting.” Annie said, “Amen to that.”

Ellie said, “I’ve sent Jake out several times and he keeps coming home telling me that nothing’s available. It’s like that old Cheech and Chong routine from the 70’s, remember that? (http://www.leoslyrics.com/listlyrics.php?hid=aBDZXuIpMfs%3D).

I sat up suddenly. I said, “That’s it! We’ll remove the job search part of it!” Everyone looked confused. I said, “The job search for teens is like the food search for teens—they always open the refrigerator door and say there’s nothing to eat, even when the shelves are full! They think there’s nothing to eat because nothing is prepared!” Annie said, “Jane, you’re flagged, you’re not making any sense.”

I said, “No, listen! We make the sandwich for them! We’ll set them up in business for themselves! That way they can’t say nothing’s out there.”

The waitress hovered, listening in.

I said, “Look, how about a dog walking business or maybe odd jobs. Nobody does odd jobs anymore so there’s a big demand for it. We’ll get them to make some flyers and hang them around. If they don’t make money at that, I’ll buy the next five rounds.”

Annie said, “It’s very back-handed, I like it a lot” and she toasted me with her drink. Ellie said dreamily, “employed teenagers…no one sleeping in until noon or calling us at the office to complain…I’m so there.” Susan said, “So now that you won’t have to hassle them about working, what will you do with your free time?” and I said, “Easy.

We’ll go to Costa Rica.”