Here Are the 35 of the Most Common Excuses You Tell Yourself to Avoid a Great Relationship
By AskLovendar on May 10, 2012
We make the excuses for everything; consciously and unconsciously. Without noticing it, excuses become a habit we are struggling to shake. In this post, we discuss top 35 excuses that prevent you from a great relationship, which I hope can spur some readers out there into action and teach how to romance.
If it was easy, it wouldn’t worth the ride.
Anything worth doing is worth doing well.
You can’t get the education
If you do not have cable TV, internet, or a cell phone – then there are public libraries that will be happy to help and educate you on the subject of relationships.
Barns and Nobel, or other book stores have never kicked a customer out for reading.
If there is a will, there is a way.
Reading books on the subject of relationships is one of the biggest favors you can give yourself. And the first one sould be Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. A book written by American author, and relationship counselor, John Gray and has sold over 7 million copies.
I can’t read his/her mind
Like any relationship with the opposite sex, your partner’s inner world will be enigma to you, but with a bit of persistence and a few intelligent questions, you can unveil some of the mystery.
Your partner will be thrilled to answer and tell you about all the passion points, likes, dislikes, moods and interests.
You will be surprised to learn that “reading of the mind” is really a pattern of affection.
Being given what you like is a direct sign of your partner’s love.
And when this appreciative behavior repeats, you reinforce the loving pattern – the affection.
With a bit of conditioning, at the future point, the things you’ve once had to ask for, will no longer depend on verbal commands.
Putting your ego aside is the hardest part. Just be present in the moment and really listen.
The conditioning means always remembering to provide positive reinforcement with appreciation.
Ask and you shell receive.
But if you are like many people who’d rather write things down instead of memorizing, Lovendar in-depth questionnaire can do the work for you.
By simply linking to your partner’s profile you can get access all the passion points and tap into your partner’s inner wishes.
I don’t know how to communicate
If you had a 3-5 year old child, or ever spoke to one – you know how to communicate.
You are a great communicator. And here is exactly how you did it:
You were patient with them
You looked them in the eyes
You asked questions that interested them
You waited until they responded and allowed them to finish their sentence no matter how long it took.
You just kept your voice calm
Your energy was positive and uplifting. Almost cheerful
You didn’t mock them
You didn’t name call or label them
You didn’t think what they said what less important than what you said
You didn’t criticize their opinion. You just knew it was different and as valid as your own.
You didn’t think they were stupid
You were not condescending.
And you probably had the smile on the whole time :)
How could you not?
Use the same tactics when discussing serious issues with your partner without being degrading or condescending.
There is no big difference in this approach.
Be aware of the fears and being defensive about your opinion.
Do not confuse the other person point of view for an attack, and you will not feel like you are being criticized thus steering the conversation clear of the argument and overall emotional withdrawal.
Ok, if the 'kid' analogy is less relevant, ask yourself: “If my partner was an important business client of mine, how would I approach this conversation?”
I don’t learn that way
You learn by doing, you learn by trying.
See how other couples are doing it and what makes them succeed.
Sure their relationship might seem perfect on the outside, or on their facebook page, but so can yours.
Kids learn the hard way and they have the fastest learning curve than the adults.
Take advantage of the webinars, seminars, and online resources.
I can’t afford couple’s therapist
If you can afford $3 Starbucks coffee every day or an annual $200 magazine subscription – you can afford professional help.
It depends on how high up your priority list this item really is.
You stand where you sit.
But if you are really broke and have a high level of desire to learn and make things better: be creative.
Interview experts for a specific topic you are concerned about.
Ask your friends and family’s perspective, but don’t just do what they say, learn from it as a resource and apply it.
Find at least 10 couples with 25 years of marriage, and ask what was the secret of their relationship.
Internet is a huge resource that doesn’t cost you money.
There are youtube workshops, local meet ups and groups that gather to discuss various relationship issues.
I don’t have enough money
Money can be a problem and is the one of the top three reasons couples have conflicts.
This situation is temporary though. Start by counting things you both have that money can’t buy.
You might not have the money right now, but if you put your mind to it, there are ways to bring more income.
Have expertise? Do freelance work, put money away towards your relationship and common goals you’ve set together.
Spend money smart, plan it and make sure you have plan B to creatively rethink how similar experiences can be replicated without breaking the bank.
The reality set in
Reality can be harsh, especially after living together for a while and rubbing each other domestically.
But, there are ways to keep the desire burning through the balance with uncertainly and predictability.
Reality is an awakening to your consciousness. Listen to the Tolle's landmark audiobook: "The Power of Now"
You are no longer under the illusion, and it is an opportunity to turn your relationship around fully realizing that love is the ride and romantic love is what makes the rise worthwhile.
The honeymoon is over
It is possible to hit the wall over time and realize that you are fighting a lot more now over the little things.
Be present when it happens and defuse the situation.
When it comes to intimacy and your sex drive, there are ways to bring the spark back.
Keep communication open
Talk about “what is uncomfortable”
Push the envelope
Spice it up with crazy bedroom ideas and learn the boundaries.
You are stuck in the rut
Sure you can be. If that’s what you believe.
And it’s Ok to admit it to each other at some point. Why be coy.
Acknowledging and seeing the problem is already half way to its resolution.
Getting into the rut takes years, getting out of it takes days.
Think of the same route you take to work. Now, can you think of another route you can take to work?
If you think you can, apply the same to your love routine.
Sick of doing it in the bedroom? Do it in the bathroom.
Sick of eating dinner at 6 everyday? Throw an indoor picnic on the floor at 7pm.
You get the drill.
Communication is hard
Really. Communicaiton is one of the harderst skills couples need to master.
But it is not an problem. Its an opportunity.
Who do you communicate well with?
What makes you communicate well with others?
Are there any lessons you can learn from communicating with others vs. with your partner?
Does your communication problem need management or a solution?
Answering these questions will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I am not a contributor
You have surely done some of the little things.
The little things in life aren’t little.
To avoid this feeling, focus on each day and what you are putting first.
"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives." – Annie Dillard.
To help you sort things out, use the “glass jar” concept.
Put the rocks first, representing the most important things in live, such as ethics, love, family, your health.
Then pebbles, representing job, house, car.
Finally the sand – which is everything else – the countless small, busy things in life.
And you can always find room for a cup of coffee with a friend.
After this, you wont feel like you are not a contributor.
See next excuse for more…
I am not an asset
What is an asset? A useful or valuable thing, person, or quality.
If you answer yes, to any of the questions below, then you are an asset:
Are you a person of integrity?
Are you honest?
Do you have kids?
If you want to be viewed as an asset, here is the check list:
Spend more time with your partner
Be easy and enjoyable to be around
Make your partner happy
Deliver more than expected
Always do what you say you’d do
Feed ideas and support your partner’s aspirations
Apologize when you’ve dropped the ball
There is pretty good chance if you do some of these, your partner will value you as an asset.
I am not successful enough
If you define success by the number of zeros in your bank account, you’ve set your eyes on the wrong prize.
If the financial success at work bothers you, transform your job by changing your business card to a mission card.
No matter what you hope to do in the future, there’s nothing stopping you from transforming your current job into a more meaningful and purposeful experience right now.
Robert Holden, the author of BE HAPPY, encourages people to sit down and draw up their won unique business cards. Instead of writing your job title on the card, white down the higher purpose or mission of your work.
The idea is to identify the part of your current work that makes you feel successful, fulfilled rather than just busy and unsuccessful.
For example: A hair stylist job could become: SELF-ESTEEM CONSULTANT – The purpose of my job is to help people feel good about themselves.
I will work on my relationship later
There is no time like now.
There is no past without now, and the future is now.
Later means it will never be.
Someday is not a day of the week.
This excuse is just getting you further away from your goal creating another obstacle on the way.
“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.” - Henry Ford
I don’t have the time
Trying to make time to accomplish your personal goals, by putting them off is favor of more pressing matters at work or home is one of the huge challenges and crimes couples commit today.
But.. tomorrow never gets here. Does it?
Remember the feelings when you wanted to wait until you have enough money to have children, a perfect timing never comes until it just happens.
According to the analysis released 5/19/201, more than half of pregnancies in 29 states were unintended; 38% to 50% were unintended in the remaining states.
But you are busy. We get it.
When we get the time, we’d rather veg out in front of the TV or grab a much needed nap.
The best way to approach this is to lay out your relationship goals and plan one goal at a time throughout the week, as apposed to every day.
Make sure you desire and want it.
Define what drives you:
- A happy wife
- 3 times more smiles
- 0 arguments
- Great energy in the house
- Get laid 3 times as much
Whatever it might be, you have to want it.
Make it your priority.
Don’t commit to more than what you can take on.
List the essential things that will get you there and kill things you can eliminate this week.
Keep the goals very simple, achievable.
- Buy posted notes and write a love note today.
- Place it where your partner can find it.
- Bring one fresh flower every day until s/he says enough.
Pretty manageable, right?
Then focus on giving massage every Sunday. And so on.
Until you’ve reached your goal.
It’s easy to come up and be reminded with the gender-specific things your partner actually wants by simply joining Lovendar.
I didn’t have a role model
It’s a lonely, isolated world. In fact, the book “going solo’ states that more than 50 percent of all people in US are living solo.
If you didn’t have a ‘couple’ role model to follow and show you the way to overcome obstacles, welcome to reality.
Living with someone is nothing you can be prepared for.
But how we spend our days with someone, is of course, how we spend our lives.
Everything requires dicipline. Even love.
Nobody loves me
At age 87, Mick Carlson advised his son, “All my life there’s been little rule that worked wonderfully for me: If there is any area of your life in which you are less than 50% happy, make an immediate change.”
If you feel that nobody loves you, change an outlook on life.
Find love from the things around you and your outlook on live and people around you will transform.
Wake up and start noticing and experiencing:
A call from an old friend.
A long, hot bath.
Reliving a wonderful memory.
Sand between your toes.
Being part of something good.
A perfect peach.
Music playing through an open window.
A brisk walk.
Things that are meant to be shared.
Taking the scenic route.
Word of encouragement.
Sharing a laugh.
Helping someone in need.
Seeing a shooting star.
Hot coffee on a camping trip. Gratitude.
The smell of freshly cut grass.
Making something from scratch.
Being there for someone else.
Knowing you’ve done your best.
A sense of accomplishment.
Making a difference.
The illusion of being lonely or unloved will be replaced by these wonders and energy of the very reality all around you. Sing up to Lovendar for more inspiration and romantic ideas.
It won’t matter
There are generations yet unborn whose very lives will be shifted and shaped by the moves you make and the actions you take today. – Andy Andrew
Everything you do in your relationship matters and in the lives of those around you.
In the early 1960, meteorologist Edward Lorenz presented a “butterfly effect” which was verified by physics professors: A butterfly flapping its wings can set air molecules in motion, which in turn can move more and more molecules to air and create measurable changes in the atmosphere that could eventually alter, delay or even prevent a tornado on the other side of the world”
The butterfly effect applies to everything you do in your relationship.
Each day, you warmly kiss (or coldly ignore) your partner in the morning, to the time you patiently pet (or impetuously kick) your dog at night, every single thing you do throughout the day has an accumulating effect on someone or something in your family and the world.
And it all matters.
Better to be right than happy
“An intelligent person is never afraid or ashamed to find errors in his understanding of things.” – Bryant H. Mcgill.
This ‘need to be right’ comes from your conditioning over the years by your parents, teachers, and life’s experience.
The egocentric, selfish need to be right is a way your ego fights the fear of its defeat.
Happiness is in learning.
Get out of your comfort zone.
When you are right, you stop learning.
When your partner has a point, it is deeply rooted to his/her own life’s experiences that were as true and valid as your own.
Allowing you to be wrong opens up a whole lot more opportunities.
“Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err” – Mahatma Ghandi
I am not that great
Its not the great people who make relationships work, it the hard work that does.
“We are of what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then is not an act, but a habit”- Aristotle
Your greatness is increasingly less relevant when it comes to putting effort into your relationship on constant basis.
The challenges of life may cause true motives to surface and human relationships failure may replace short-term success.
Goodness in your character is what you need to focus on, things like integrity, humility, fidelity, courage, patience, simplicity and modesty.
Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography is representative of this believe.
I don’t deserve a great relationship
Don’t we deserve what we earn? What do you "deserve?"
The dictionary definition of "deserve" goes like this: To earn by service; as, the laborer deserves his wages; a work of value deserves praise.
How do you think you deserve what you are asking to obtain?
No matter what you answer to this might be, ask yourself this: Shouldn’t you be?
Feeling good about your own self-worth, how to manifest your destiny, how to think positively about yourself and your goals is a great first step toward provoking others to treat you with respect and the level of love you expect.
I don’t have great ideas
As the beginning of the day, ask yourself how you can make today a day you’ll wish you could relive again years from now.
If that doesn’t help, sing up to Lovendar.com and get daily ideas customized to your partner’s gender.
My partner won’t go along
Don’t ask yourself what your partner needs.
Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what your partner and the world needs is people who have come alive.
Joseph Campbell conducted a life long study by looking at men and women across history and around the world, and concluded:
“I do not believe people are looking for the meaning of life a much as they are looking for the experience of being alive”
If you begin to do things that make your partner feel alive, miracles will happen and this excuse will disappear from your vocabulary.
Explore this question: From 0 to 10 (10 being very alive), how alive do you feel?
When was the last time you felt alive, what were you doing?
What are the seven activities, pleasures or events that will make you feel even more alive – right now, this week?
And go do them with your partner. When you come alive – people will follow you!
My parents will judge me
Change your mind, change your relationship.
We all have these worn-out beliefs, preconceptions, or prejudices that we unconsciously haul around us.
Usually they have nothing to do with reality, and yet we carry them still, even as they negatively impact our relationships.
For centuries, seafaring people believed that the world was flat and that you would fall off the edge if you sailed too far.
That belief had nothing to do with the reality, but it still placed an artificial limit on adventure, discovery and a better life for millions of people.
You are worrying about parents' opinion that might not be true in reality.
Do things that make both of you happy.
Move to another city if that’s what you both want.
Move the kids to another neighborhood, and things will work themselves out.
But do not project your worries onto others.
Nobody will care
If you are seeking a social status, no body will care.
If you are looking for monetary gain, no body will care.
If you are serving self-filling purpose, no body will care.
If you seek true love, your partner will care.
Somebody will care if they identify with what you do.
So find them and share your stories.
Get inspired. Learn how to romance.
The economy sucks
When did the economy stop anyone?
During great depression, interdependence made relationships stronger than they are today.
Economy is the weakest excuse.
Its probably something that helps you stay in your comfort zone.
Doing something that is aimed at pleasing others can be a threatening experience to your ego or plain uncomfortable.
How much are you holding yourself back in the name of your comfort?
I am not that lucky
Luck is a sequence of events. Its not an outcome of a magic wand.
There is serendipity but it only occurs if you are doing something toward your goal.
Even little things that you think are not that significant do add up and make an impact on your partner.
I don’t have a great job
The majority of people who succeed in their relationship and experience pretty high satisfaction with their lives are with ones without a great job.
Things don’t buy you love or happiness.
That’s a fact.
Some of the richest and most successful people find no meaning and deep-rooted emptiness in their success, seeking spirituality to fulfill the void.
I have not succeeded at it before
You have made your first step
You graduated school
You had a first kiss
You had a first baby
Inexperience is the wrong excuse, no action today equals nothing tomorrow.
My social status isn’t that great
You are not the only one for whom this is the case.
Your “socially impressive” accomplishments are more a serendipitous expressions of the feelings you have about yourself than merely a response to the social reward and less relevant to your partner.
The Psalmist says it well: “Search your own heart with all diligence, for out it are the issues of life”.
Social status is just an illusion or a perception. It’s really what you project on people.
I don’t have any friends
All to have to do is to look around and ask people: "Were you born in the United States?"
This is a melting pot of millions of families of first-generation immigrants that come here alone with no money and no friends.
This didn’t stop some of them from achieving extreme personal and professional success.
What do they have, that you do not? They have all three: knowledge, skills and desire.
With today’s social networking ability, finding and nurturing friendships online has become so accessible that it actually hurts relationships.
So consider all the pros and cons of obsessing over this excuse that, allegedly, is preventing you from having a great relationship.
I was not raised well and I am damaged
Many life coaches including Tony Robins, Stephen Covey and others who inspire and transform millions of relationships and lives often start with the story of their damaged childhood or the place of hitting the rock bottom.
From experiences of reading success literature and life’s “aha” moments, many suddenly realized that the way you’ve been taught for many years ago and things that are deep in your own inner sense of value made you become focused on your own building that you forgot about the foundation that holds it up.
As Covey puts it: “in reaping for so long where we have not sown, perhaps we have forgotten the need to sow.”
You always reap what you saw.
Overcome the past by focusing on who you are in the present moment which communicates far more eloquently than anything you say or do because of the past.
I am not that good in bed
How are you so sure?
Practice makes perfect when it comes to everything, including sex.
You need to allow yourself find the things you are good at in bed.
It is not all below the belt. You have fingers, mouth and your wit to help you be better.
Start by boosting self-esteem and saying to yourself that “I am absolutely perfect the way I am”, “There is nothing wrong with me”.
I will make mistakes
Get out of your comfort zone.
You’ll make mistakes. So what? Now what?
If you aren’t making mistakes you aren’t living.
Studies show that people who don’t take risks generally make about two big mistakes a year… and people who do take risks make about the same number – so why hold back on life or fear the attempt?
"Admitting a mistake just means that you are wiser today than you were yesterday." – Kelly Rothaus.
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