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Yes, I'm a little obsessed with this book. Because I read it (more than once), and it changed everything. It changed who I was. It's changed the path of my life. And I honestly can't decide if it's for better or for worse.
Through the entirety of my 20s I gave not one thought to many of the issues in this book. When I was attracted to someone, I just went after them, and I usually got what I wanted. I didn't think about whether the guy was making an effort, because I made enough effort for both of us. I got into relationships with people I loved A LOT. I had boyfriends I lived with, great sex, and just about everything my way. I was in control, and for huge, long periods of time I was happily, blissfully in love.
So OK, before I read The Book I *had* already decided that maybe I was *too* in control and that my relationships were a little unbalanced. Maybe I didn't want to have to be the leader in almost every moment. I came to the conclusion that a relationship with a guy who did whatever I wanted until the day I said "get out" - and then he did - held a fatal flaw.
And in my quest for relationship change, I swung the pendulum all the way the other way and ended up dating an evil cheater. Wounds. Lessons.
In a relationship I had after that I would sometimes say and often think, "I don't know how I'm supposed to be!" Well, be myself of course, but I'd shaken things up, I was breaking patterns, all while awash in the L.A. dating scene. So many times I felt like I didn't know what was right.
I wasn't sure how to be.
And by then, I'd read The Book. And I can't decide if it makes sense or if it's really just incredibly mean. Because honestly, maybe he's just not that into you - Or maybe he's shy, or maybe he's recovering from a bad breakup, or maybe he thinks you're not into him, or maybe you're the victim of absurd miscommunications, or maybe a million things that don't necessarily mean you should walk away. Those things you talk about with your friends - your intuitions, your analysis, your thoughts - they're often true, is the thing.
And The Book would have you walk away from anyone who isn't coming at you 100% clearly at 100% emotional health. Well, that's shiny, but is it really realistic? Is it even wise, to be so black and white?
Maybe I should reread the screenplay before the movie comes out. I got it from a friend because, yes, I'm *that* obsessed. It's certainly more romantic than the book, if I remember correctly. (Because think about it, if it followed the book completely, it wouldn't make for much of a story... Interesting, that.)
I look at people in relationships, and I often observe that they came together by breaking all these rules. Giving the benefit of the doubt, rolling the dice.
Sometimes "He's Just Not That Into You" seems more like a movement to force men to get with the program. If enough women buy it, and start walking away from every man who isn't assertive and clear and free of emotional baggage, then maybe some men will have evolve, right? They'll have to own their desires and go after them. Because I believe most men absolutely want the same things as most women, they've just never had to own it and pursue it quite the same way as they have to now, more and more.
Well, OK. I mean, I want to be respected and clearly communicated with. I want to be with a man who has at least some idea what he wants and the chutzpah to go after it. It being me. I want someone who wants me. I guess that makes sense. That I deserve *something* in the effort and risk-taking department.
But what worries me is that I've followed the book. I've walked away from my feelings when it seemed clear that I should be getting the message, and I've gone out with men who pursued me in all the right ways, and here I am, single again. They didn't love me. They certainly didn't love me the way men from earlier in my life did, the ones I pursued because I knew I wanted them despite their flaws, and who I never would have spent those years with had I
