Mistakes Rookie Moms Might Make When Helping Teens Navigate Facebook

My daughter just turned 14 - I totally loved this article. I tread lightly when guiding her in the appropriate direction.. stern but w/ a gentle open way. Seems so easy as I type it but as you know, it's SO hard!

Social media has certainly upped the anti on complications in guiding our children safely through growing up to adulthood. I think you handled the situation very well, adding teaching behind your decision rather than just dropping the gauntlet of a guideline. It's important for children to understand the WHY, especially when it comes to protecting themselves and their privacy. This is training her for being able to protect herself in the future, in the real world, when she doesn't have you at her shoulder.

My children are too young at the moment to have Facebook accounts of their own, but I read your piece with great interest, learning from what you've gone through in anticipation of what I will do in the future with my own babies. Thank you for sharing so candidly what you think went right and what went wrong. We stand on each other's shoulders in this thing called parenting. Learning from one another is a key part in supporting one another. Thank you.

On another note, I gave up Facebook for a month last year (for my first foray into Lent, to be specific) and haven't looked back since. It's amazingly freeing. After the first few days, I was amazed at how much I didn't miss it. I hope you enjoy your FB free month!

I forgot to add that all of our kids have internet access, but each had to undergo our online safety lessons, which included social media. We also block certain kinds of sites using filters (my husband owns a tech company, so he knows how to do more than the average parent. Doing this has kept them safe online (even the non-Facebookers) and has prevented them from getting viruses on their laptops - incredible considering that all four have their own. Most importantly, we talked to them.

As someone else mentioned, talking to your kids about safety is important. I want to add that despite how well we think we know our kids, they get into situations online that we could never imagine. We had an X-box 360 Live incident that opened our eyes - wide!!! Don't let your guard down - regardless of how close you perceive your relationship with your children to be. The influence that peers (or adults pretending to be kids) can have on our kids is scary. Especially during the middle school years. Kids aren't typically emotionally capable enough and don't possess enough street smarts to know what to say, what to ignore, and how to react to online postings.

If nothing else, become your child's Facebook friend.

My 16-year-old daughter has been using facebook for a while now, and recently started using Google+ as well. At one point, in looking at her Google+ I noticed a much older man had +1'd a couple of her posts, which immediately raised flags. He had sent her a request and she accepted it, thinking it was no big deal. A quick internet search on my part revealed he is a level 2 sex offender. Talk about panic!

I used it as an opportunity to have a long conversation with my daughter about the types of people who are online and used this as an example of why she needs to be REALLY careful who she adds, even if they seem harmless. I set an age limit to who she can add (no one out of high school, unless they are family or a close friend of the family. Period.) We reported the guy, together, and she blocked him. I made sure she understood the magnitude of the situation, and that, while she wasn't in trouble, she did need to adjust how she behaves online by being much more careful and following the rules. It helped her understand the rules really are there for a reason.

While it was definitely a terrifying moment, I was glad we were able to use the experience to open the lines of communication even more, and it became apparent (to both of us) that a one-time conversation laying out the ground rules is just not going to be enough. This has to be a constant stream of communication, on both our parts. And it has been ever since.

I think you did a great job in a job that is very hard to do. You are a parent that is actively involved, loving and concerned. Unfortunately, all you can do is try and learn! Good Luck!

I think you did a fine job. I don't believe that setting blanket guidelines on ages and how many friends one should have is necessarily the best course of action. It may lull you into a false sense of security and may send the wrong message to your daughter. The problem isn't someone's age, it's their relationship to your daughter. The fact is that having her friend this boy gave you the opportunity to have the conversation with her about what's OK and what isn't. If you just block whole groups of people from her interactions, you lose that opportunity while she's young enough to learn from them. Also, it is perfectly reasonable for a parent to monitor interactions of a 13-year-old on FB. You wouldn't send her to a massive party with strangers alone, and FB isn't all that much different. I think your approach to scanning who she is friending (and presumably watching what she is posting) is a good one. But I think it's OK at that age to sometimes spot-check what conversations are happening - with her knowledge.

wow! this was a good read and I don't envy you. sounds like you did a good job - esp with the conversation. there will always be reasons for her to hate 8th grade w/ or without FB. I just remember watching a news segment and seeing how predators use false pictures and 'voices' to communicate to kids. maybe you can even share these stories with her so she can see that it's real. of course she'll tell you that she's too smart for that to happen to her - but she'll ingest that information. good job!

The Facebook rule for our children is 15. Not only did we consider the ages of our children, we considered their actual maturity level; in short, they're too trusting. :-) The only one who has an account is our 16-year-old.

Social networking sites allow kids to hide behind their computer screens and poke fun at or bully others in a way that they wouldn't dare do in person. Also, kids these days are of a different breed, so we can't expect them to behave the way that we would have (something of which I have to keep reminding myself).

I think it is great that you're trying to navigate the world of social networking with your daughter; sorry that a potentially life-changing interaction had to happen before you realized that tighter rules need to be in place.

Our local high school, in conjunction with the local police department, presented a social networking seminar for parents to alert us to the dangers of this new media as well as to provide steps to protect our children while online and set parameters for them. Be sure to check for local and online resources that may help you to help your daughter safely navigate the internet.

Best wishes!

Your experiences and reflection on social networking and your daughter are great to read. It's hard to find that balance between protecting kids and allowing them to experiment while maintaining a positive relationship where they respect what you are doing. I'd love to read more!

JennaHatfield Thanks for your kind and encouraging comments. When my younger daughter is ready for Facebook, I will have a bit more figured out regarding rules, or expectations, in order to protect her as well as support her media literacy development. I agree that my daughters are fortunate to have guidance. Being online was so exciting back in the day that like most of us, throwing caution to the wind was more frequent of an occurrence than I like to remember.

My friends and I were discussing all of the (horrible, awful, bad) decisions we made on the Internet when we all jumped on in the late 90's. The fact that your daughter has you as her guide and help, despite mistakes you might make, puts her leaps and bounds ahead of where we were back in the day.

Keep on, mama!