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Sparkle (1)
A couple months ago I blogged about a man I know- the blog was titled "Gilded Mediocrity"- here's the link:
http://nokomis-daughterofthemoon.blogspot.com/2011/08/guilded-mediocrity.html
I'm mindful of it now more then I have been since I wrote it because the stark reality of what is allowed to some and denied to others has hit me hard over the last few days. I saw him again. And it was worse then before. And because of the line of work he is in I wonder - is it my obligation to put him on blast and hold him accountable for his irresponsible behavior, or can I just walk away, should I just walk away, and let karma do what it does if it in fact will do so this time? Is it my place? Is it any one's place, to call out something we know is bad? Or are we doing something bad because we may get someone else in trouble?
I know this man intimately. He has done plenty to me to give me good reason to seek revenge. So if I tell what I know is it or is it not just a jealous woman striking out? For certain that is trivial behavior. To seek revenge is infantile. But is it revenge when it's serious business? When the safety and well being of others is at risk including the individual himself?
I'm struggling with this answer because I feel guilty. Had he reciprocated my feelings would I still be feeling this way?
Answer-
YES.
I would. I'd make love to him and cringe every time I knew he was getting high. I'd blast him in person instead of on this page. I'd rant and rave and yell and scream and cry and beg because if he'd reciprocated any of my feelings I'd feel that all those things might help in some way. But they won't. Because he doesn't. But he continues to live a lie. To advertise himself as a rehabilitation specialist while getting high and drunk just feet from where he is rehabilitating others. He is on TV. Nationally promoting a system and facility of his design, being quoted in magazines, newspapers and websites as an expert on parenting, when he has no control and integrity in his own person. It makes me sick. Not from my anger, but from my confusion. Because I want to bury everything I know and pretend it doesn't exist. If I yell this out loud he will never forgive me. Just as my son's father would never forgive my decision to have his child. Because he knew his child in the world would expose everything ugly about himself he was trying to hide. And I'm the enemy; Enemy number one. I'm to blame for not allowing them to hide. Their own choices are never to blame. I've learned so much about addicts that disappoints me.
And I want to say nothing. Even now, I do not have the strength to say his name, reveal who he is, because I don't want his hatred, his accusations, his admonishments. They'd hurt like hell. Because I can't get over him. And so I'm enabling him. Just like all the rest.
But am I? Is it not my right and perhaps the right course of action to simple take myself out of this scenario? Fate will catch up with him. People always end up doing themselves in. But in the process, how many others get hurt or fall prey? But I'm not a hero. And I don't want to be. I want to be happy and lately I've been miserable. Miserable at home and sick in the heart. And I can't be anymore. I hate the indecision. I hate the turmoil. And that is right now my strongest motivating force. To get myself right I have to move away from this. I have to do no more with it. But I feel wrong in the process.
Perhaps it's my OCD. I used to pick up every over turned garbage pail I drove by for fear it would cause a fatal accident if I hadn't. I couldn't walk through parks without picking up pieces of trash on the grass or sand damning myself as irresponsible if I walked by and did nothing.
This is real for me. It has been way before I met him and will be afterward. And here I stand. All alone because of it. Because I can't ignore what I know is wrong but really can't do anything about it.
Who would I tell?
Who would listen to me?
I'm a
