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My poor husband, Tom, is facing his least favorite thing tomorrow – The Dreaded Colonoscopy.
Since his mom passed away 15 years ago from colon cancer, he and his
brothers have been religious in getting their colonoscopies every
couple of years. It doesn’t make the experience any less unnerving.
When it comes to that time, in that year, it always reminds me of the first time Tom had this procedure done.
Let’s just start by saying that my husband is a literal kinda guy.
He’s the one who will read a sentence and interpret it in a way that
you never thought of and about as word-for-word as it comes.
That year, the night before the exam, when he read the directions
for the suppository insertion, he saw the drawing that showed a human
figure on all fours with one arm extending and arching over the head
and around the back following a dotted line to the – um – bee-hind. Tom followed those directions to the very last dot on the line. Of course, he missed the bee-hind. And even stranger, couldn’t figure out why, so had to repeat the exercise.
The next morning after a dreadful night of running, running, running
to the bathroom (neither of us got any sleep), I drove him to the
hospital for the procedure.
Now, I happened to work in the marketing department of that
hospital, in another building on the campus. I told him to call me when
all was done and I would drive him home.
A couple of hours later, my phone rang. The caller ID indicated it was coming from the hospital cafeteria.
Lawwwwr?
Yes?
I caaaan’t waaaalk. Can you come and get me?
OK. Stay right there and I’ll drive over to get you.
It was a beautiful summer day. I hustled to the car, parked not far
from my office, and drove along the hospital campus road toward the
cafeteria entrance. As I was approaching, I saw a street lamp pole in
the distance with something wrapped around it. I drew closer and
realized it was a human being – the one I had married.
Imagine this. I was responsible for marketing the caring,
compassionate and wonderful services of said hospital – my job. Here,
standing in broad daylight, was a shining example of how we dumped
patients on the roadside to hang off street lamps. AND HE WAS MARRIED TO ME!!!
Over the years, the procedure itself has gotten better and Tom’s
attitude toward it has improved greatly, even if it still brings
flashbacks at anxious moments.
Tom has been preparing since last night for tomorrow morning’s main
event. He started by reading aloud the instructions so that I could
help keep him on track today.
I’ve come to believe that the staffers who write these instructions
think their patients are just plain stupid. They start like this: “One
week before your colonoscopy – purchase one 3 ounce to two 1 ½ ounce
bottles of Fleets® Phosphasoda bowel laxative.” One week? What, does it
have to ferment or something?
The instructions go on to tell the patient just how and when to take
everything, how the patient will feel and that they should “Stay near a
bathroom.” Um, duh.
And then another duh moment. “Some people experience a chill or feel
cold after the bowel preparation…Keep extra blankets available in case
you feel cool after taking the prep.”
Of course, there was this gem of wisdom: “If your bottom becomes
sore, use soft toilet tissue and dab instead of wiping.” Yes, we all
needed someone to TELL us that.
Off we’ll go tomorrow morning, and this time within an hour of our
arrival, I know my husband will be snoozing on the table while his duty
is done. I’m glad. I don’t want to lose him to cancer.
And, I absolutely hope this time not to find him standing on the corner hugging a street lamp when I pick him up.
Laurie J. Storey-Manseau owns and operates an integrated marketing agency - StoreyManseau, LLC. She is author of the blog WIMS - Walking In My Sleep.
