It is that time of year again, when I drive by the mall and have a panic attack just looking at the parking lot. I have been done shopping for a while for this very reason, but still the sight of the rabid masses terrifies me.

Ever since my son was born in 2004 I have struggled to find my "Holiday Spirit". I don't know if this is because I haven't slept through the night since he was born, or if it is because it was about that first Christmas that I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Adding that diagnosis to an already severe case of social anxiety is not a good mix - for anyone. The medications that I have taken in the last four years have helped, along with therapy, but there is still a part of me that just can't seem to get a hold of the Holiday Cheer.

The frantic decorating, gift wrapping and commercialism are enough to make me want to climb into bed and sleep for the next 6 weeks. The sad thing is that I am not alone. The more women that I talk to, the more that I hear the same consensus.

Did my mother feel this way? I don't remember it. She worked outside the home, decorated like a fiend, baked and had a blast with my brother and I. And what is wrong with me that I feel this way? I am so blessed to be able to stay home with my son, and provide all of the experiences that my mother did, but I feel miserable because I can't find that cheer.

Who knows what the root cause is...the grey weather here in the NW, the early evenings, the lack of sleep...whatever it is it still irritates me that I can't get into the mood. I have done everything that I can think of - from volunteering to cutting back on gifts and parties - to try to make it easier on me, but nothing seems to work. Maybe as my son gets older it will get easier. But somehow I doubt it.