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As last year's holiday season sputtered out and the relatives left our house, I exhaled, then smiled. I'd really enjoyed all the feasting and fun, from the morning moment the kids' cousins started frolicking underfoot, until the last precious late-night conversation wound down. But there is no way in hell we can manage another holiday season like that one, because floundering in all the happy happy joy joy was one miserable, disoriented, sleep-disturbed little boy with autism and his equally disoriented parents. Please, learn from our mistakes and successes so that your holiday season can be as enjoyable as ours was but suck less than ours did.
Your advocacy skills need to go into overdrive during the holidays. Of course you need to advocate for your child, to ensure they're accommodated -- but you also need to advocate for yourself. Your children are sensitive to your moods, so think about how you can minimize your own inevitable holiday stress and not amplify that of your child. Ask relatives to help out, and show them how to do it. Make your trip shorter, split your family's travels up, or just stay home. Get a hotel room and make it your child's safe space. Bring familiar toys, activities, and comfort items to occupy your child even for the briefest of moments, so you can take an occasional deep breath.
Here is what not to do: have a house full of guests stay with you for more than a week while your son is on a disturbed sleep jag and gets up every morning between 3 and 5 AM, and never ask any of your guests to spell you even though they have the option to take naps during the day and you and your spouse do not. I never asked anyone for help with Leo's early waking last year; he was in a particularly violent phase and I didn't want him to hurt anyone. This might have made sense for my 70-year-old 5' 2" mother, but not for my athletic 5' 11" brother. Instead of asking him to occasionally get up with Leo, I grumbled under my breath as that brother played Rock Band until 3 AM every night. Not asking was not very smart of me. Had I arranged for even a little bit of help, it might not have taken me two months to emerge from the post-traumatic holiday blues.
One thing we did right was give ourselves permission to make the holidays work for all three of our children. My husband's parents were not able to travel last Thanksgiving yet really wanted to see their grandchildren, so my husband and I agreed that he would travel with the girls, while Leo and I stayed home and ate a sub-continental Indian Thanksgiving dinner with friends (Leo loves "naan bread"). We didn't think it was fair for the girls to miss seeing their grandparents because Leo couldn't travel, and it was absolutely not fair to subject Leo to the terrors of traveling for his sisters' sake.
Leo's in a better space now. He's less agitated, and his sleep cycle has normalized, so he and I are going to try a very short Christmas trip to his grandparents'. The girls and their dad will come with us, but will stay a bit longer. If Leo does well, he and I might stretch our stay next year. But we remain aware that travel might make Leo implode, and are open to taking the next plane straight back home if that's what he needs.
The value of planning cannot be overestimated for kids with sensory sensitivities, who thrive on routine, or who are easily disoriented. I've located some fine articles to help you plan for your kid with special needs to enjoy the holidays (these are autism-centric, but most points work for any kids who needs accommodation). Here are some of their more salient points:
Karen Plumley recommends talking to kids about their routine and the way it will be affected by the holidays:
Kids with special needs are often anxious about changes in their daily routines. Unexpected surprises will not necessarily be met with enthusiasm. Preparing children with autism or anxiety disorders ahead of time for the holiday trip will benefit them greatly. Talk about the trip’s daily itinerary, places the family will visit, and what the hotel and food will be like.
Squidoo advises setting aside a safe space for your child to retreat to if their sensory barriers are breached:
Everybody gathering at your house for dinner? Then make
