How to Survive the Holidays
It's always a big deal when I make it through the holidays without crying and since it's never happened, I don't know what it feels like. Every year we have Christmas at our house in Arizona because my husband is Jewish and his family, from Chicago, doesn't really care so much about Christmas so they come out to visit, open gifts, and eat. We tried to reminisce this year about how many Christmases we've had together but most importantly, where we ate for all those years. We got about 5 Christmases in before a commericial came on and no one cared anymore. Also, when someone asks me a question and I answer in more than 3 words, they turn away and start talking to someone else. Additionally, everybody is getting really damn old and slow and I'm getting less tolerant. The combination of me not giving a shit and them not hearing what I say, literally, because they're deaf, has left me feeling irritated and worn out.
I'm year 5 into being sober and Christmas is one of those holidays when I really consider carrying a flask with me and apologizing later. Yesterday was day five of the week long Christmas visit and I was on the verge of tears by 9am. Last night I actually had a dream that I was drunk and riding a motorcycle backwards down the freeway. I don't drink and have never driven a motorcycle in my life, so I can only take it to mean that my subconscious knows I'm going to mentally crash.
Just when I was considering popping left over pain medication, I got a ding ding ringing on my phone. It was an on- going group text from my 5 best friends that left me laughing out loud. The following messages from my 30 something girl friends brightened my day:
Thursday- Dec 26th
Renee: 9:48am - Remember, you're all invited to come to my gym and try Oula! Class today is at 4:30. I called....they said it's $3 per child if you want to bring them along.
Me: 9:52: I would but I'm still at the hotel!
Me: 9:53: Don't rob my house.
Renee: They have the class every Tues & Thurs. so maybe another day...
Me: 9:55: Yeah, I want to.
Natalie: 9:58: I'm in the process of putting together this ridiculous doll house. I've dropped more f bombs by 10am than one person really should!!!!
Me: Omg. Those suck. We pay people for that shit.
Natalie: Son of a bitch!!! Step 3 of 15! Flipping my shit over here. Van also just spilled my coffee everywhere and is throwing his damn Legos cuz he says he needs me to help him put those fuckers together!! Save me! Aughhhh!!!
Me: Oh man I'm sorry. But that's funny. Is it too early for wine?
Natalie: Fuck wine. I need to go lock myself in a sound proof padded room.
Me: My mother in law regifted me a gift, stuck it in a brown paper bag and gave it to me. It was opened and missing a part. I don't know why it pisses me off. I hate being someone's after thought. I'm about sick of this holiday.
Natalie: Let's work out today. I need to release some psychotic rage.
Deb: Nat - I hate putting things together like that.
Me: You should have a 'party' and have *Annie and Michele put it together. haha. Too soon? Is it wrong to want to punch people?
Deb: My parents are getting old - Ty opened up a gift last night with nothing in it, and my dad lost my main gift!
Natalie: Oh geez, Visions of griswold Christmas are in my head.
Me: Omg. that's funny and sad
Deb: Ha. Yep
Deb: Ty and I just want our gifts hahaha
Me: I miss you guys. You are my sanity.
Renee: I feel ya Deb. My mom called me by my sister's name at least 15 times....And the dog's name once.
Me: Scott's aunt said, Hi Taylor when Tyler came in so we called him Taylor all day!
Me: You guys are making me feel better. My mom didn't come at all and if she did she was renting a car to see her hillbilly friends in Yuma for 4 days.
Natalie: My thumbs feel like they are raw from that stupid Allen wrench that was provided.
Deb: I think relatives should stay no longer than 5 days.
Me: Putting toys together is fuckery. Pure Fuckery. We now have a demonic Furby and a giant monkey that talks and has a banan shaped bottle.
Me: Curses to that doll house!
Natalie: I quit at step 6 to lay down. My head hurts.
Deb: Those tools suck. I'm sorry.
Me: Have a man do it. They are good for that.
Deb: Dumb Doll House
Deb: Renee, what's your dog's name??
Renee: See....you get them nice gifts now (like Furbies and Doll Houses) so when you're old you can give them an empty box. Ha!
Me: hahah. I'll just pretend I 'forgot' the gifts.
Deb: My parents used to always call me our dog's name too! They'd say, "Come here Sunny, I mean Deb Deb." Haha.
Renee: My mom's dog is "Josie"
Natalie: 4:57pm. All Done.
Me: Holy Shit. That took you all day?
Nat: All day.
It's the Friday after Christmas and I came home today and took down every Christmas decoration I could find. I've also just refused to meet up for dinner. They told me two days ago that no offense, but they aren't here to visit me, they want to see my kids. So as soon as my husband was off of work he took them over there. I'm over it. Tonight I'm going to text my friends about how ridiculous dried blueberries are and why my husband keeps buying food that no one eats, not drink, and laugh like a maniac.
Thank you baby Jesus for group texts.
*I invited Annie and Michele and Deb over to "help" me paint my laundry room. Deb and I sat on the couch and watched friends and ate brownies while Michele and Annie painted the entire thing. Don't ask them about it. The memory makes them foam at the mouth like rabid dogs.