How to Avoid Holiday Weight Gain (and Holiday Overwhelment)

Holiday weight gain and holiday overwhelment, while seemingly dissimilar, share a common root. Contrary to popular thought, they are not caused by too many holiday parties, high calorie foods, or family expectations. Those are the correlations. Do they contribute to the cause? Absolutely. Will addressing them solve the true problem? Nope. If you want to have a different kind of holiday, one that honors your needs, and what you want---including zipping up your jeans in January----then you need to dig deeper. Holiday overwhelment and weight gain are both symptoms of disconnect: a broken link between your spirit----what you truly desire---and your personality----the obligations that keep you from honoring those desires.

When you're honoring your truth---living by your spirit---you won't be as inclined to eat too many rich foods, avoid the gym, or indulge in other forms of self-sabotage that lead to the extra pounds and burden of too-much-to-do. In the following ten steps, I show you how to honor your internal truth, so that you can feel good January 1st, and look in the mirror with pride: not just the satisfaction that comes from fitting into your clothes, but, more importantly, the satisfaction that comes from living according to your deepest values.

1. Feed your spirit. Do you miss yourself? Do you feel like you don't know who you are anymore, or what you like? Are you stuck in a pattern of self-sabotage, such as avoiding exercise, overeating, or excessive drinking? These are all signs of a deprived spirit. Your spirit doesn't like to be ignored, and will get your attention in one way or another. Better to feed your spirit with regular self-care---15-30 minutes a day is all it takes---then to suffer the effects of a neglected spirit. If you don't think you have 15 minutes, think of the time you spend in those destructive patterns, like eating in front of the fridge, or watching mindless TV. Turn off the TV and take a walk, read a poem, take a bath, call a friend, or put on headphones and listen to beautiful music. Over time, as self-care becomes a regular practice, your spirit relaxes, softening your need to control your natural desires for good food, pampering, and pleasure. You don't stuff yourself with brownies because you know that, if you're feeling downtrodden, that you will make the effort to be gentle with yourself.

2. Uncover the essence of what you want. The holidays are a time of huge internal and external expectations. It's easy to hold a mental image of the perfect holiday, and then feel disappointed when it doesn't hold true. One way to ease this disappointment is to uncover the essence of your needs. What is a "perfect" holiday to you? Describe it. Then ask yourself, what needs are being met by that perfect scenario? Is it connection, community, joy, creativity, play, hope, beauty, or love? Often, we commit to things without thinking. But when you are aware of the essence of what you want, then you can flex and bend and find ways to meet your need in a myriad ways. So, for example, if your need is for connection with friends and neighbors, perhaps you can arrange a caroling outing, instead of feeling obligated to make presents for each family. Or, maybe it's attending a community feast. Or, attending a holiday concert. There's isn't one right answer, but many possible solutions.

3. Let go of what no longer serves you. Ask yourself two questions about your holiday traditions: What do you need to let go of in your life right now? And, what is waiting in the wings to come to you in its place? Tradition and ritual are meant to serve you, not keep you bound in servitude. We often keep up with outdated traditions out of a sense of duty and familial guilt. Can you release a tradition that no longer speaks to your life right now? Do you long to simplify your gift buying? Do you want to stay home instead of travel to see family? Do you want to skip the Christmas baking? One of the quirks of being human is that we often don't feel like we can change our minds. We think that decisions, habits, traditions are set in stone. But you always have a choice. No, or "not this year" is an option.

4. Make peace with Christmas letdown. Much of my unnecessary hustle and bustle around the holidays came from my attempt to stave off holiday letdown: that moment when the presents are all unwrapped, the Christmas dinner is eaten, and I feel like a deflated balloon. We all experience this emotion; it's a natural release after weeks of build-up and anticipation. I've found that there's no way to escape this feeling, although that didn't stop me from trying. In my own life, every year, the closer I got to Christmas day, the more anxious I felt about not having enough presents for my children. This led to overbuying. But this feeling isn't really about presents, but about trying to avoid the letdown when all the presents are unwrapped. The solution is awareness: recognizing when holiday letdown is driving your behavior to attend one more party, buy more gifts, or say "Yes" to something that you really don't want to do.

Another way of coping with holiday letdown is to honor the transition---the ending of a season---instead of avoiding it/denying it/burying it with food, excessive gift buying or a too-busy schedule. Can you think of January traditions that you can implement, that will help ease your sadness? I use January to attend to household organization (what better time than when it's cold outside?), goals and resolutions for the new year, and something fun. Last year I spent January indulging my inner fashionista, reading a slew of fashion/stylist books, and rediscovering my style: pure pleasure.

5. Voice your preferences. It is ingrained in our culture that to speak the truth is rude, impolite, and will hurt other people's feelings. But I've learned that people are tougher than we think. I am not advocating insensitivity or rudeness, but too often, we remain silent instead of speaking up for ourselves. Yes, I know it takes courage to refuse to eat your mother's famous strudel, or to admit that you don't want to go to church on Christmas Eve with the rest of the family. But the flip side---ignoring your truth in order to be more socially acceptable----hurts more. That internal pain will do more damage than the discomfort of speaking up, and will most likely drive you to the nearest wine bottle or cookie tray.

There are ways to lovingly communicate your intention, in order to minimize hurt feelings. The best way I've found to do this is to communicate your love and acceptance of the other person, even as you say no to their request or offering. So, for example, my grandma will undoubtedly offer me a piece of apple pie. Here's what I can say: "Oh, grandma, I love that you are so considerate, and that you took the time to bake something special for the holiday. I love that about you. But I'm not having pie tonight. Can I have a cup of tea, instead?"

6. Accept what you can't change. Sometimes, honoring our spirit means accepting certain truths about ourselves. I, for example, am sugar sensitive. Do you know how people joke about eating a whole cake after having one slice? Well, I can, and I will eat the whole cake. I choose to abstain from sugar, because I can't eat it moderately, it gives me depression, and makes me feel terrible. And yet, every Christmas, I face a constant stream of sweet treats. How do I stave off temptation? Acceptance. Accepting that I can't eat sugar like a normal person keeps me bound to a higher ideal: where I abstain from sugar to honor my spirit, not deprive it. This leads me right into:

7. Design creative alternatives. If you are cutting something out of your life---certain foods, drink, or negative influences---it's important to offer yourself a creative alternative. Nature abhors a vacuum, so it will fill that hole---some way. Better to fill it with something constructive, rather than destructive. As you subtract things from your life, add others back; this balance is what keeps you from feeling deprived. So keep a creative alternative in your back pocket. I love Christmas baking, but choose to make bath salts, Christmas cards, and wreaths instead. I meet my needs for play, creative expression, and the pride that comes from making something myself, without facing the temptation of raw cookie dough and icinged sugar cookies. If you are unable to visit your family, and your sadness over this drives you to stuff yourself with food, think of other ways you can connect with them: a calendar, a long phone call, letters, or a Spring visit. A few years ago, when I was missing my friends and family, I wrote each person a handwritten, heartfelt note, thanking them for being in my life. Writing those letters filled me with such love and gratitude, that I felt connected to them, even though I was hundreds of miles away. Then I received another dose of connection when they each contacted me to thank me for the letters. Their warm thanks filled me again, ameliorating the pain of missing out on the family fun.

8. Embrace structure. I personally don't like being told what to do. I don't even like myself telling me what to do. But structure and order are integral to your spirit. Without a routine, enough sleep, good food, and exercise, you won't have the mental energy or stamina to make supportive choices. Structure is your roots, your foundation, so that you can bend and flex when reality trumps your ideal scenario. I understand that the holidays are a difficult time to implement more structure, so let's keep to the basics: Eat three meals a day, including breakfast. (This small step alone can make a huge difference in overeating. How can you resist the cookie tin if you're starving?) Go to bed earlier----I know I naturally need more sleep when there's less sunlight. Start your day with a positive intention, a mantra that you can use throughout the day, such as, "I am expecting good things," or, "I trust that solutions to my problems will appear." Schedule in a basic exercise routine: three days a week, 30 minutes a day will make a huge difference to your physical and mental health, and isn't a large commitment.

9. Give yourself choices to break up all-or-nothing thinking. You want to exercise, but it's too cold outside. You want to stay home and rest, but you have a work party to attend. What do you do? These are examples of all-or-nothing thinking: where we give ourselves two options, both of which aren't ideal. What, if, instead, you gave yourself options? Yes, it may be bitterly cold outside, but can you use your Netflix subscription to do a 30 minute video? Pressed for time? Do 10 minutes of push ups, sit ups, lunges, and other exercises. Can you stop by the party and say hello, and then spend the rest of the evening at home? When we look at situations as either/or, we close our minds to other possibilities, which also includes a solution.

10. Honor what is sacred to you. In the busyness of life, we can lose sight of meaning, purpose, and true connection. We scratch the surface of the holidays, and then, when January comes, we feel let down---how did it pass so soon?---because we never really paused deeply enough to enjoy it. Even if it's only for 5 minutes a day, find a quiet time when you can reflect on what the holidays mean to you. Bask in the feelings of goodwill, peace, gratitude, and love. These intangibles are what we're really trying to find, in our quest for the perfect present, the beautifully decorated tree, and the tins of fudge.

These ten steps, when integrated into your life, create a bridge, a link between your spirit and your personality. From this bridge flows your greatest wisdom, your intuition, and your interconnectedness with others. Honor this pathway by heeding, and following, its messages. This creates integrity, one of our highest needs, because there's consistency in your beliefs and your behaviors. Integrity is what creates a happy holiday season---and a happy life---whether it's Christmas, Thanksgiving, or any day of the year.