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All grief differs. The loss of a mate is different from the loss of a parent. And how grief does or doesn't get handled depends on the person who is bereaved. But one thing is certain - the death of a child is among the most agonizing of all grief events. Much has been written for the parents. But little is written about what to do or not do as a friend or family member when someone you know or love loses a child.
I have very dear friends who lost their toddler-aged son in a freak accident over 20 years ago. The father, whom I will call Chris, spoke to me willingly when I asked if he would help me in writing this article. Many thanks go to him for the generosity of his heart. He spoke to me in hopes that it might help others be as compassionate as helpful as possible.
I asked what was most helpful immediately after the loss, and then later, after the funeral and the first few weeks. PART I of this article will be about the early days. PART II, which will be published next Tuesday, will be about support in the ongoing days and will list resources.
First, do not be afraid.
Acknowledge that your friend has been through a loss. Chris and his wife were surprised at the number of people who treated them as though they had some sort of contagious disease, staying away, keeping them at a distance. Perhaps, he surmised, they feared what it might feel like to lose their own child, or feared what it might feel like to be helpless in the face of such loss. Losing a child is every parent's worst fear. The upshot was, my friends had some missing persons in the roughest point in their lives.
Second, do not shrink from looking into the eyes of grief.
Maybe some people didn't know what to say. "I will never forget the man who just stayed with me for a day, " Chris said. "He didn't say much, and we were not deep friends. He just showed up and stayed with me. We talked when I wanted to, or could. It meant so much to me" There is no magic thing to do. And every one is different. Sometimes a simple "I am so sorry this happened," said from the heart, really touches someone. It doesn't have to be flowery. It just has to be real.
Thirdly, do what you can to help be part of a supportive effort.
"It was so helpful to have people say that they were praying for us, that we were being remembered in an ongoing way and being lifted up." Chris said. Remembrances such as mass cards, memorial donations, phone calls, letters, visible touchstones that were signs of caring all were welcomed. "I may have forgotten some of them, as those first weeks were and are still a blur, but I know what we appreciated."
Fourth, do not make the bereaved handle your discomfort.
If the loss of a child tears your heart apart, deal with it separately. Put it aside as much as you can so that you do not inhibit your expression of compassion for your friend.
Fifth, offer help with the small details by just diving in and helping. Drop off a casserole and a salad in disposable containers. The everyday chores and habits of life are going to be unsprung. Try to gently insert your help in whatever way is most sensible, just to keep the family moving through these first days of shock and anguish. To say "Call me if you need anything," probably means they won't call. Either they will not be able to articulate what they need, or they will be uncomfortable asking.
Sixth Remember that the whole family is grieving, not just the Mom, not just the parents.
What didn't help?
Chris talked a fair bit about his faith. I'll share what he said for those of you to whom faith is important. He pointed out the religious platitudes that people tossed out. "Oh, you know," he said, "remarks like 'I guess God just needed another angel.' or 'I am sure God did this for a purpose.' I have to believe that our son did not die either for God's pleasure or to enhance his plans. I do know, however, that God was with us as we walked through the darkest days. That was the real comfort."
Trying to give Chris and his wife
