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Last Friday I wrote about how to be a good friend to someone who has lost a child in the first few days and weeks after the loss. Thank you so much to those who left comments from their own experience with this agonizing grief. Every small detail can be huge in its impact. The central thing to understand about the grief for a child is that it doesn't ever vanish. Even the most severe edge of grief can linger far past what you might imagine. Your friends will not "get better" in a quick or even moderately fast time frame. So here are some things that might help as you stand by those you love who have experienced this horrible loss.
These points are for the long haul period after the immediate shock. Remember, I am not a doctor or a therapist. This and the prior column is advice "from the soul trenches", meant to address the spiritual side of such loss only.
First, do not think that the family should be recovering, or moving right along, or over it, or doing well in a matter of weeks or months.
Many parents are told they are indulging themselves, or courting their own grief when the grief lasts long enough to make someone else uncomfortable. There is no timetable for dealing with the loss of a child. This grief does not go away. It changes. It does not go away. Stay away from phrases such as "Time will heal this wound." It won't. Your friends have every right to express their grief. And they may need to express it over and over and over. Even if your friends present a brave face to the world fairly quickly, that does not mean they are doing well. (In the severest instance, if either of the parents begin to talk seriously about suicide, take it seriously, as seriously as you would under any other circumstance.)
Second, there is no "right thing" to do with the child's room or the child's clothing and toys.
Well-meaning people offering to "help clear out your child's things", often are inflicting added pain. How long the family needs to hold on to the "stuff" of memory is up to them. It is their grief, and (honestly) their business. It is not unusual for parents to hold on to the childhood toys of living children even when their children grow up. Why would it not be OK for a parent to hold on to the toys of a child who had passed away? They may bring comfort, memories that console.
Third, If you ask, "How Are You?" please be ready to listen. If the parent says "fine", ask gently again, letting them know that you really do want to hear.
Many bereaved parents are asked that question when the asker really doesn't want the answer. In the months after the loss, the parent is still going to be in pain. Their answer may not be pretty or tidy. Just listen. Cry with them if that feels right. If you are not ready to hear the truth, do not ask the question. It is very painful to be asked, and then realize part way through the answer that the asker really didn't want to hear the real story. They just wanted the bereaved parent to reassure them that all is "fine".
Fourth, do not expect the parent to erase the child from their life.
My friend Chris and his wife carry wallet photo shots of their son that were in their wallets when he died. Their fireplace mantle still has a picture of them with their son. If their son had been a war hero, people would understand that. But somehow some people expect that a younger child should be erased when they die. It is perfectly healthy for parents to have visible acknowledgments that they once had a child. Do not be uncomfortable with such natural mementos.
Fifth- be aware that the family is under unbelievable stress.
Men and women can grieve differently, and adding that to the sudden absence of a beloved child can cripple the bravest and best of us. Every minute, for a long time, will contain elements of grief. Every minute. Whatever you can do to help relieve the burden of that long-term stress is good. Even if you just show up to mow the lawn a few times, or shovel the snow -- it can be helpful.
Sixth, ask to share memories of the child
