How To Break In New Running Kicks (OCD style)

Occasionally I write as a public service. It makes me feel all PBS inside. I really like to geek out with my beak out Big Bird style all the while knowing the world is a better place because I told it what to do.

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via imgur.com

Just found out the truth about Bert and Ernie.

So as a public service announcement to minimalist and former minimalist runners everywhere, the secret's out: Vibrams don't count as running shoes anymore. So try again. If you own a pair of those finger toe sandal thingies that have Velcro straps across them, I want you to push away from your mobile device, fetch them, and throw them in the trash right now. Not the inside kitchen trash either where you might be tempted to later dig them back out when you’ve had time to think it over. Throw them in the dumpster outside your neighborhood. Better yet, hop in your car and rush without delay to deposit them in the nearest recyclable rubber products bin. We’ll wait for you.

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I know. You'd run a mile in these shoes without judging and whatnot. But they're just not that cool despite the road worn AC flaps.

Also, since you’re making a trash trip anyway, you might as well go ahead and toss any and all shoes that utilize Velcro. If you struggle with the art form formerly known as shoe tying, Google an online tutorial or buy yourself one of those spider monkeys trained to peel bananas and tie shoes for the fingerless.

I know those Velcro running shoes are no good because I used to be of the Velcro-happy non-shoe-tying splayed-toes in a finger-fashion runner variety. Albeit I admit I'm regularly one of those people that excites herself over the next training fad. I'm one to run out and buy the new barefoot-simulating shoes, so I can run in a way that is “better for health.” I belong to the kind of people that take their feet that have no motor skill or strength, slap on their new shoes and take a long run on the paved streets in their neighborhood, their upper body falling out in front of them, increasing the G-forces of their landing with every lovin' slap-happy step.

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via Vibram FiveFingers on Facebook.

Well I used to be one of those Fivefinger kinds. That is until I came down with a nasty heel injury two years into my 'barefoot' running career. Blisters were also frustrating commonplace on my toes and my dogs just hurt downright especially on the top of the feet. So I tossed my toe fingers aside and traded up for maximalist magic unicorn horn fiber cushioning in the Hoka Kailua Tarmac. I talked about them a little here http://bher.co/Dj3A when I first got them.

These are not ordinary Mom taking the kids to school shoes. I’m talking about big, scary, nosebleed high shoes. The higher the heel, the more empowered one becomes. If you're ever in a pinch and liquor and/or a babysitter are not readily available, I highly recommend putting on crazy tall Hoka One One shoes prior to opening a can of name brand whoop ass on the road or trail.

With my cruel moon boots on, I could easily kick Jean-Claude Van Damme's behind like no other if he for some unknown reason decided to show up in my house for no good reason. Of course, I realize he's about seventy now and has to be routinely diapered since that Volvo split ad and subsequent zero gravity split last year so that statement doesn't mean as much today as it did in 2013, but you get the idea.

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via elitedaily.com

Van Damme may have done an epic zero gravity split in moon boots. But Chuck Norris was driving both satellites.

I just feel like my kick butt Aquamarine high-heeled running shoes can fix anything. Bad outfits, horrible relationships, lasting effects of mini joy strokes. I'm thoroughly convinced if my first several boyfriends had worn Hoka One One high heel moon boots, we'd all be living together in a commune somewhere.

But even though I’ve liked the Hokas from the start, I know I need to get new ones ASAP after 400 miles because the puff in the cushion starts to wear down at this point even though I've found most Hokas are good for at least 600 miles. However, as I sit here this morning, slamming coffee as fast as I can swallow and googling "how to break in new running shoes really fast", I am reasonably certain I am heading for a complete melt down. I can feel the crazy so close, I keep turning around to check for a guy wearing a clown wig along with a Burger King crown made out of tin foil sneaking up on me.

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