How Could You Let Your Kids Go for the Summer?

To read more from BUTTERFLY go to www.butterfly.pro/blog ( http://www.butterfly.pro/blog )

When facing difficult decisions the question isn't necessarily "how could you?" Often, the question is how "how could you not?"

To read more from BUTTERFLY go to www.butterfly.pro/blog ( http://www.butterfly.pro/blog )

When facing difficult decisions the question isn't necessarily "how could you?" Often, the question is how "how could you not?"

I'm so dumb, and so sorry. I meant to put this up on a different post. I do applaud you for you strength though. Please disregard the other comment. I'm losing my mind over here :)

Robyn writes for www.dimsumanddoughnuts.com ( http://www.dimsumanddoughnuts.com ) where she serves up a little bit of everything. Everything except food.

My husband owns an overnight camp in Northern Michigan and I'm all here with my kids, the campers and the staff all summer. I don't know a lot, but I know summer camp and I think you will love this:
http://www.dimsumanddoughnuts.com/2011/06/opening-...

Robyn writes for www.dimsumanddoughnuts.com ( http://www.dimsumanddoughnuts.com ) where she serves up a little bit of everything. Everything except food.

My mother has told me for most of my adult life, "You do the best that you can at any moment in time." And I think that it's true. Regardless of the situation, we make the best decisions we can without knowing the course of time, life and destiny.
You sound like you are doing an amazing job at mothering, and although it will be unimaginably difficult to have your kids gone for so long, having your children keep up their bonds with their father are simply priceless. I am in awe of your ability to trust.
Wishing the best to you and your family.

Join me at RosieDreams ( http://rosiedreams.com ), where I share my approach to frugal, simple and green family living.

Kim,
I can't say that what I've done is the best decision (only time will tell!) or good for anyone else but us. For now, though, it works. I truly believe our life is what we make of it, our happiness is what we build for ourselves, and that one of the most important lessons I can teach my children is that in order to be happy, fulfilled, and successful, you have to MAKE those happen for yourselves in life. Sure, I'd have loved the opportunity for my children to have lived in a blissful, fairytale childhood. But their parents got divorced. And, had we stayed together, I'm positive it wouldn't have been that way anyway. Who has those fairytale childhoods, anyway? ;) In the end I aim to teach my children how to be happy and successful by example, which is exactly what I'm trying to do with my move. I may not be with them 100% of the time, but they are learning independence and seeing how to make happiness and success in their own lives. They know unequivocally they are loved by both their parents, and they are never forced to feel they are the source of our pain. I would give the advice only to think about how the choices that we make--right now, for our kids--show our children that no matter what they aren't the source of pain in our lives. That we aren't giving up happiness in order to care for them. Nobody ever said, "I'm so glad my mom gave up her career to be miserable at home with me" or "I'm so glad my mom stayed in an unhappy marriage for me". From what I understand we benefit more from and become better adults when our mothers are happy, personally successful, financially stable, when we have a solid attachment to multiple adults in our lives, and when we know that people (mostly mothers, but other parents/adults)love us unconditionally. :)

Here are some interesting reads on this kind of stuff:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/04/11040...
http://researchnews.osu.edu/archive/singpar.htm
http://orp.uoregon.edu/downloads/MastenCoatsworth1...

You are a very strong woman, and a fantastic mother! I can't imagine myself in your position, I have a hard time when my ex takes the kids to Ohio for a week. But, I do try to make the most of it, usually I even plan my own vacation at the same time to try to keep my mind off of missing the kids.

I love that there are stories here of kids who left home to spend summers with family. I, too, would go visit my grandparents for a couple of weeks at a time, always sad when I had to go back home to my parents!! ;)

You are doing a great service to your kids, and they will remember these summers and hopefully treasure them and the opportunity you gave them!

http://omnivoresdelight.blogspot.com

I'm going through these custody issues right now. I want and need to leave the area I live in - for love, and career, but have felt trapped to this area because their father is here and he will never leave here. I have recently been told by a friend, basically, to suck it up and deal with it, you are a prisoner of your life choice and just make the best of it until they're grown, which would leave me at 53 trying, struggling to pursue a new career and hope that I could still find love at that point in life. I didn't understand why I should just give up all of my own hopes and dreams. You're article broke my heart and made me cry, but it also gave me hope. You can live for your kids and for yourself at the same time. It's not easy, you have to make hard decisions, and deal with very hard things like not seeing your kids for 70 days, but it's possible. It's doable. Thank you for this.

Oh my goodness, first off - thanks for sharing this. Thanks for writing this.

Secondly, you're amazing. And you're doing such a good thing. You're giving your sweet babies such a gift by letting them, no strings or guilt attached, be their Daddy's child, too.

I hope these 70 days FLY by for you.

Oh my goodness, first off - thanks for sharing this. Thanks for writing this.

Secondly, you're amazing. And you're doing such a good thing. You're giving your sweet babies such a gift by letting them, no strings or guilt attached, be their Daddy's child, too.

I hope these 70 days FLY by for you.

Oh my goodness, first off - thanks for sharing this. Thanks for writing this.

Secondly, you're amazing. And you're doing such a good thing. You're giving your sweet babies such a gift by letting them, no strings or guilt attached, be their Daddy's child, too.

I hope these 70 days FLY by for you.

I have to applaud you for making the decision that you did. My husband has a daughter, now 10-years-old, who he is supposed to get to see for 2 weeks out of every summer and for one major holiday every year (Christmas or Thankgiving) so long as he pays all of the expenses. And, since he moved from Texas to Wyoming six years ago to escape an abusive relationship (he was not the aggressor - his ex-wife was), he has NEVER seen his daughter. Not once. Not even when he HAS paid all the expenses for plane tickets, additional fees to have someone from the airline ride with his daughter, etc.
His daughter's mother has repeatedly agreed to visits and then refused to put his daughter on the plane, costing hundreds of dollars in wasted air fare and other fees. She has promised phone calls that are never allowed. She has promised letters, cards, e-mail, pictures and online chats that never happen. She has even taken Christmas presents that were sent to my husband's daughter and her older sister and thrown them in the trash, telling my husband's daughter that "Daddy doesn't love you so he didn't send you anything."

We have tried seeking legal assistance both through the state of Texas and through private lawyers. The state told us "We don't deal with visitation, we just deal with child support." The private lawyers told us, "She's the mother. She can do what she wants. You could sue, but you'd go broke before you got a judge who would do anything for you." Basically, we've learned that my husband has the right to pay child support. That's it. He has no other rights at all where his daughter is concerned.

So, with all of this in mind, I applaud you for allowing your children to have a repationship with their father. It may be harder on YOU to be apart from them every summer, but it is so vitally important that they get to have that time with their father. It simply isn't fair to deny that relationship just to make yourself feel better or to use your children as weapons to hurt an ex. To disallow that relationship would cheat them out of having a relationship with someone who wants to love and support them as much as you do - and would cheat their father out of having ANY relationship with his children at all.

Some people may not understand why you did what you did, but consider how hard it would be to have to wait 295 days before you could see your children again - or, worse, know that you SHOULD be allowed to see them but also knowing that the other parent won't allow it.

People tend to assume that children should be with their mother and assume that if a father isn't with his children, it isn't that big a deal because he's a man. Having seen the heartbreak my husband goes through every time his ex promises him a little time to just TALK to his daugher, let alone all the time's she's promised that his daughter could come visit, and then renegs on the arrangement, I understand that this is NOT true. It can be just as hard on men to be apart from their children as it is for women.

I have to applaud you for making the decision that you did. My husband has a daughter, now 10-years-old, who he is supposed to get to see for 2 weeks out of every summer and for one major holiday every year (Christmas or Thankgiving) so long as he pays all of the expenses. And, since he moved from Texas to Wyoming six years ago to escape an abusive relationship (he was not the aggressor - his ex-wife was), he has NEVER seen his daughter. Not once. Not even when he HAS paid all the expenses for plane tickets, additional fees to have someone from the airline ride with his daughter, etc.
His daughter's mother has repeatedly agreed to visits and then refused to put his daughter on the plane, costing hundreds of dollars in wasted air fare and other fees. She has promised phone calls that are never allowed. She has promised letters, cards, e-mail, pictures and online chats that never happen. She has even taken Christmas presents that were sent to my husband's daughter and her older sister and thrown them in the trash, telling my husband's daughter that "Daddy doesn't love you so he didn't send you anything."

We have tried seeking legal assistance both through the state of Texas and through private lawyers. The state told us "We don't deal with visitation, we just deal with child support." The private lawyers told us, "She's the mother. She can do what she wants. You could sue, but you'd go broke before you got a judge who would do anything for you." Basically, we've learned that my husband has the right to pay child support. That's it. He has no other rights at all where his daughter is concerned.

So, with all of this in mind, I applaud you for allowing your children to have a repationship with their father. It may be harder on YOU to be apart from them every summer, but it is so vitally important that they get to have that time with their father. It simply isn't fair to deny that relationship just to make yourself feel better or to use your children as weapons to hurt an ex. To disallow that relationship would cheat them out of having a relationship with someone who wants to love and support them as much as you do - and would cheat their father out of having ANY relationship with his children at all.

Some people may not understand why you did what you did, but consider how hard it would be to have to wait 295 days before you could see your children again - or, worse, know that you SHOULD be allowed to see them but also knowing that the other parent won't allow it.

People tend to assume that children should be with their mother and assume that if a father isn't with his children, it isn't that big a deal because he's a man. Having seen the heartbreak my husband goes through every time his ex promises him a little time to just TALK to his daugher, let alone all the time's she's promised that his daughter could come visit, and then renegs on the arrangement, I understand that this is NOT true. It can be just as hard on men to be apart from their children as it is for women.

You're giving your kids a great opportunity to spend that time with their father. Of course we can't make all of our choices based solely on them, or we would lose ourselves. This is a beautiful piece.

I was raised by a single mother. Every summer, as soon as school let out, I went to visit my grandparents. I'd leave a day or two after the end of school and come back a day or two before school began in the fall.

Some of my best childhood memories were made on their farm and I'm thankful for the time I got to spend with them. Immensely thankful.

I didn't stop missing my mother when I was there. I didn't stop thinking about her. In fact, I think I love her more for letting me go because it gave me the independent spirit I have now.

Wife, mom, teacher, friend, and PPD/A survivor, Miranda writes the blog Not Super...Just Mom ( http://notsuper-justmom.com ).

I am happily married, but because I am a pessimist, I plan for the worst. Simply put, my husband is an awesome father and my daughter deserves to have him in her life. If someday things between us should Not Go As Planned, I am absolutely prepared to do whatever it takes to make sure they maintain their bond, even if it breaks my heart. You are absolutely doing the right thing for your children. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your feelings about it.

Julia

www.lifewithaparasite.blogspot.com ( http://www.lifewithaparasite.blogspot.com )

That sounds really hard. I hope the time passes quickly for you.

My ten year old is with his grandmother this week, only for a week, but it's the longest he's ever been away from us and it feels like a big deal. So my mother (the other grandmother) asked me if the kids could come stay with her for a month when she moves across the country in a year or two. My jaw nearly hit the ground. She said she knows people who send their kids to the non-custodial parent for the whole summer and I thought well, of course, that would be hard but it might be what you had to do in that circumstance. Not that I'm sending her the kids for month. I don't even think she would really like having them that long.

Steph

Mommy to Noah (May 2001)
and June (March 2006)

Your post was very powerful. It really hit me hard. I couldn't imagine going through that. I could imagine sending my children when they become teens to spend summer camp in Poland but for your situation, you are a very strong woman and all I can do is applaud you.

Polish Mama on the Prairie

http://polishmamaontheprairie.blogspot.com/

@PolPrairieMama

On facebook: "Polish Mama on the Prairie"

Your words mean so much. Thanks, girl.

Thank you so much for this response! This is my hope for my kids. They are kids of divorce, and that sucks. But I hope they can feel their time with each of us enlightened them and made them greater citizens of the world, as well as gave them higher quality solid one on one time with each of their parents. Thank you....

I am equally fascinated with how as a society we can empathize with things and situations and at the same time we can presume to know how we would react to a situation.

The tugs at my heart and mind as I tried to imagine on some level what this would be like, were nearly debilitating. Reading this I only wish I could help you carry the weight of those numbers between 70 and 1.

Amanda

http://amandamagee.com

So glad this piece was featured. I agree with Jenna's comment -- people who judge hard choices haven't faced adversity. I know how hard this is for you...

www.perilsofdivorcedpauline.com ( http://www.perilsofdivorcedpauline.com )

being faced with this kind of decision, and how difficult it must be for you. Hugs!

NotJustAnotherJennifer is a wife and working mom of two beautiful girls, 3 (going on 13) and 1, which means she's sleep deprived but constantly kept on her toes! Most of those experiences are chronicled on her blog, http://midwestmomments.blogspot.com.

This post was beautiful and important. I thank you for writing it and sharing it here with BlogHer.

There are many decisions in the parenting realm and a lot of them are misunderstood and/or judged by others who have never walked that particular journey in those particular shoes on that particular day. Having been judged -- harshly -- for the relinquishment of my daughter, I work really hard not to put other people on the spot in the same ways I have over the years. I still misstep sometimes, but it's taught me that we (as a parenting collective) do really, really hard things for our children. And if people don't get that, then they likely haven't faced any adversity. Ever.

Family Section Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

My mother died when I was 2. That summer---and every summer for the next 12 years---I was shipped off to Virginia to live with my grandparents (while my father and stepmother stayed in Ohio). The simple explanation (that I didn't get until I was older) was that my grandparents didn't want me to be in daycare all summer when I could be with them.

I have wonderful memories of those summers---I wouldn't trade them in for anything. I don't feel negatively toward my parents for letting me go, either. After the first few years, I'd have been more upset if they hadn't let me go.

Because of my trips down there, I'm a great traveler, I had cultural experiences in Virginia that other kids my age didn't have (and an edge in history class whenever we talked about the Civil War!), and I got to know my grandparents very well, which I appreciate immensely now that they've passed on.

Rachel is a Christian, a mom, a wife, a blogger, and a lazy bum. Check her out at The Lazy Christian ( http://www.thelazychristian.com )!