Even if there wasn’t an annual Yahoo!

Personals

survey (disclaimer: I work there), that reports on how Americans resolve during the holidays to find new and better relationships, you’d just have to look around at yourself and everyone you know to tell that holidays are hell on most people’s relationship expectations. Not only do we get jammed together with sibling and friends who may have nicer/better/more successful and caring partners, we have the unpleasant realities of having to live with our own partners flaws at holiday time—or the pleasure of feeling left out of the mainstream because you’re a family unit of just one.

Either way, it’s hard to get into the first week of January without feeling like your love life—just like your appearance—needs to be restored to its’ full glory through a relationship makeover—and maybe a new relationship. If you’re struggling through the holidays with a full set of dashed expectations, tension out the wazoo, and a sense that you just can’t go through this for one more year, here are some tips that may help you hang on—and/or that can help you move forward in a constructive way:

Tip #1: Make time for yourself, aka try not to be so enmeshed
Sometimes the anticipation of enjoying a holiday or a holiday event with someone is so powerful that if Mr. or Ms. SO doesn’t respond as we thought they might, our pleasure in the event is spoiled. You know, as well as I do that tying up your expectations too closely with another’s’ only leads to—yep—trashed expectations. So if you’re the fan of New Year’s Day brunch, a long talk with Mom in the morning, or a firm regime of salad and tuna plus 3 miles of walking per day once January begins—try to set things up so you can just do these things on your own—don’t give away your pleasure in things to someone else and their moods.

It’s also a good idea to think of the immediate post holiday season as a time to do things differently. Rather than fight with your partner about bills or eating habits, focus on what you are doing for yourself to make your own situation 100% better. For example, if youare nagging the sweetie about working out with you and boyfriend’s still hanging with his belly on the couch, get out there yourself, alone or with a friend.

Tip #2: Evaluate: Is this relationship badly damaged, or mostly broken?
There was one New Year’s Eve in my life where a brief burst of festivities were following by arguments so bitter and piercing that we both saw the terrible damage we’d done between us; there was another where the extreme fatigue, the disagreement about we wanted to do that night (and with whom) and the general lack of true enjoyment suggested we’d have to do a far better job planning the next time around in order to have two happy campers. That first example was of a fatal hit to my marriage; the second, a glitch it was in our power (and desire) to fix.

As you crawl your way out of the wreckage of the holidays, including the tensions, disappoints and annoyances you can no longer push aside, ask yourself if you’re preparing a survival course as your way forward, or if it’s an exit strategy that’s called for. The plan of attack is quite different for psyching yourself up to fix things than it is for breaking up right there, forever. And if you don’t know, remember that’s a reasonable place to be, too.

Tip # 3 Remember the holidays are depressing
Whatever issues, lacks, failures, problems you have between you that America’s Happy Holidays shine a big, bright flashlight on, remember that holiday depression makes the lows oh so much lower than most other times of year. There’s enough anxiety, regressing, unrealistic expectations and pressure at this time of year to scotch even the hottest NRE (New relationship energy).

Tip # 4 honestly address what you’re feeling once the dust settles
Geeze, is it easy to not talk about the bad stuff and just hope it goes away! That’s true both for the rationalizations we make to ourselves and the bull wash we tell other people.
If you’re seeing bad stuff in the relationship, take the time to articulate what you’re feeling—write it down, talk it out with a confidante, blog it—whatever. Once you’ve gotten clearer about your own feelings, decide whether these are thoughts to share—i.e., is talking the way to make things better? (Example: If your issue is you realize that you and Honey never do anything fun, it might be a better strategy to suggest a movie or a walk than to just stay home and talk, talk, talk.)

Tip #5 Make plans and then take action
Whether it’s the quiet, non-confrontational 1:1 you want to have after the kids go back to school, or the chance to have a screaming fit (alone or with partner) at the therapist’s, plan out how you’re going to deal with your depression and relationship issues beyond owning your feelings, feeling them, and pointless arguing. These few days left of the holiday aren’t a bad time to ask around about therapists, mediators, etc, and they’re perfect for getting together to talk over next steps with friends.

Tip #6 Seize the joy and wring the juice dry
Truth is, with many people, their strongest and best traits and their most annoying, unappealing ones can be pretty much the same things, viewed from different angles.
See if there’s an opportunity to enjoy some of the positives about your SO even as you drill down into the issues making you suffer—either you’ll have a momentary escape from your woes, or you’ll be able to reflect on whether your partners’ specific strengths might eclipse the things driving you crazy. Another way to put this is rather than wallow in your suffering, what can you do with your partner that will make you feel better? It’s easy to get into what is sometimes a very self-indulgent downward spiral, but it’s unwise to let it rage unchecked.

Finally, keep your sense of humor. Laughter is not only spiritual, it’s one of the best survival tools—and you don’t have to be marooned on a desert island to find an agonizing amount to laugh about in the next few days, even if the sweetie is driving you nuts or leaving you wonder about the possibly insane choices you have made.

Related links worth a read
The Guardian, UK: Tanya Gold, Men don’t want lawyers, they want florists—amazing essay on dating.

Guardian, UK: Abby Lee, writing on male sexuality and male/female relationships.
Girl with a one track mind: Abby Lee's blog, full of smart observations of relationships, dating, media, love.

Pretty Dumb things: Chelsea Summers' elegant blog about sex, relationships, longing.