How Do I Love Thee?
by Liz Rizzo

I've been thinking about love lately. About different kinds of love for which I'm hard pressed to come up with names for. I guess I've been thinking about giving and receiving.

Early in my life, when I was in love it was the feeling and emotion and sheer being of love that I held paramount. Once I was in love I went on for years without considering the negatives of a relationship and what I really wanted as reasons to break up. After all, I was in love! Everything else just needed to somehow work from there. Because I was in love, I would give and give and give so long as I felt the emotion. I didn't consider leaving a relationship while I was in love, rather, I waited until the negative aspects of the relationship had fully killed it - often slowly and painfully - before I felt I could walk away.

Thinking back, I realize that something changed drastically the day I ended a relationship when I was still totally in love, but completely sick of the negative situations that were occurring. This hurt much, much worse, but it certainly was faster. I wasn't receiving what I needed out of the relationship, so I bailed. For years, I think I've struggled with the fall-out from this change. At the time, it felt strong, but I also wondered a lot about the speed and drastic nature of that decision in the years that followed.

Like most things, I think that the best path lies somewhere in the middle of the two extremes.

Years of dating in Los Angeles have taught me some valuable lessons. When I moved here, finding someone to love wasn't anything I thought of as particularly difficult. I'd always just rolled from one person to the next, and even though my relationships hadn't worked out, they were always with good, honorable people. Once I got a little older, and into a different geographical situation, suddenly someone to love seemed near impossible to find. I gained a stronger sense of how amazing it is to have someone in your life who you love, trust, and respect - imperfections and all.

Add my growing appreciation for what's most important to the firming up of who I am and what I'm looking for in a partner, and I believe I'm happily finding that happy medium. Certainly, there *are* situations where love isn't enough and a relationship isn't OK. But there's also always going to be compromise, and if you think there's not, well, I think you're going to be looking for someone to love for a very long time.

That girl who fought for love above all else was very passionate. And that girl who walked away from love was very strong. And this woman, right here today?

She's both.

~

Linky Goodness:

Susan Walsh blogs The 10 Greatest Love Stories of All Time on Hooking Up Smart. Also her post When You're Desperate It's Time To Get Picky has a great comments thread.

Skylana blogs a sad, heartfelt stream of consciousness, remember that your eyes can be your enemies on her blog, honestly.

And don't miss this post from Crabby McSlacker over on The Juice, Making Love in the Home Depot Parking Lot, about the things that make her feel loved. (Love it!)

~

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo (view blog) on Thu, 09/03/2009 - 2:19pm

Comments

 

Getting used to it.

Good points, Liz.

You're not alone in how you've dealt with relationships.  It seems to me that most people put the cart before the horse and go for the feeling rather than the person that's supposed to catalyze that feeling.  First of all, the kind of Love you're talking about is Chemical Addiction.  It's a feeling that people like, to generalize.  As long as they can get that high, they're going to keep rolling with the situation, until, as you stated, they just can't justify all the cons for the pros.  It's like any other addiction to chocolate or alcohol, but people don't treat it as such.

What happened to you is a couple of things... First of all, you got used to "being in love".  This is one of the problems with (I'm not saying *you* did this) people saying "This is The One".  As soon as that relationship ends and there's a second "One", no matter how much people try to sugarcoat it and tell their friends that they made a mistake the other time(S), but THIS is the real thing :/ ... They know in their "heart of hearts" that there's no such thing as The One, and that's a sobering and potentially depressing concept, which is why they fight so hard to suppress it and pretend they're living the fantasy life they were brainwashed to believe as small children.

The other thing is that you moved to an immensely shallow market for dating.  I haven't dealt with it, myself, being from NYC, but EVERYONE that I've heard of that's tried dating in Los Angeles has said it's incredibly superficial.  People that have sampled both scenes say LA is way harder than NYC for dating/relationships.  That means you'll most likely have a much smaller pool of people to select from, which means there's less of a chance that you'll meet someone that's really, REALLY compatible with you to the degree that you might fall in love with them.

Even if you find that, you have too much experience now to be "as in love" as you used to be, because, as with any other potentially-addictive substance, the more you get of it, the more you get used to it and the less it affects you.  So, as we move forward, we actually need increasingly amazing people to date, not similar or less outstanding, if we want to feel like "Wow... This person's REALLY something! :D".

The upside of all this is that you've become increasingly strong-willed and self-sufficient.  It's not so important for you to feel this addictive love from someone who demonstrates to you by their personality that they're not thinking of you in the same way, OR are even a NEGATIVE influence in your life.  That's a great thing.  It doesn't feel as exciting, but it's a much stronger position for you, mentally and emotionally.

~ Bill

I blog at billcammack.com

Submitted by Bill Cammack on Sun, 09/06/2009 - 05:18
 

I am a believer

I am a believer in the existence of different types of love, some that are  exciting and good in the short term, and others that make for a lifetime partnership.

I finally got married (very recently) and have been sharing the experience with my readers.  It is funny how we let love arrive before all else when we are young, and as we mature, we look for worthy places to plant our love. 

www.floridagirlmidwest.blogspot.com

Submitted by Tina Lane on Tue, 09/08/2009 - 15:27
 

Okay, your first problem is

Okay, your first problem is that you dated in L.A.


I mean, I have lived and dated and ultimately married in L.A. And lemme tell you, the breed of men out here are not the same as the ones in other cities. Guys come out here for fame, fortune and the hopes that Bar Rafaeli will get a flat tire out in front of their apartment and her cell phone won't get reception and they'll come to the rescue and score with her. And since there are more models and actresses per square mile in L.A. than anywhere in the world, they actually believe it will happen.


The "regular" women they date or are in a relationship with, don't have a chance against "the possibility" of the woman they want to date. They've got one eye on you and the other on the leggy blonde who just walked into the restaurant.


Now what ultimately happens to these guys is they actually DO get famous and score the trophy the wife (very small percentage) or DON'T get famous and get married at 45 to a regular girl when they finally realize they set the "bar" too high. And let's face it, if you're a 30 year old woman who wants to get married and have a family, you don't have 15 years to wait for the guy to see the reality. And why would you want to? He's a superficial jerk.


Know what some of my women friends did? They went to other countries and found their husbands there. You know, places like Brazil and France where men don't have problems with committing. I kid you not.


Me. I lucked out and found possibly the ONLY guy in L.A. who didn't have the supermodel fantasy. At least, he's never admitted it. Not if he knows what's good for him.


www.mammakaze.com


 


 

Submitted by Mammakaze on Wed, 09/09/2009 - 18:41
 

Love Is A Storm in our Life

I agree, relationship matter is the most confusing problem in our life, and always be. I never have a serious relationship before. I guess all my exes just trying to have some joke in dating me...

I'm really dissapointed with myself and my ability to attract Mr.Right. But I guess my time will come eventually... I am really sure; I want to be sure, is more like it... That someday my knight in the shining armor will come.

Wish me luck... If you are willing to... *giggle*

http://dietnewbie.blogspot.com

Submitted by dietnewbie on Thu, 09/10/2009 - 03:50
 

The One and The LaLa

Bill - Yeah, I never subscribed to "The One." I've always been quite the romantic, but even at a young age "The One" seemed rather... unrealistic. 

And L.A... Well, I hate to dismiss the entire dating scene or men in L.A. out of hand. Just recently I was listening to someone do that and it's so negative, but yes, it can be challenging out here, and Mammakaze, you hit the nail on the head for a certain segment of the male population here. The one thing I do find most frustrating is when a guy is actually on your level lookswise and he seems to perceive that he's higher and you're lower. Ug. Oh well, maybe I'll marry one of those 45-year olds when I'm 55...  ;)

Tina - Congratulations!  I look forward to reading more.

And Diet Newbie - A brand new blog, congrats. You've set some ambitious goals for yourself, but I hope you aren't too focused on what other people think vs. what really makes *you* happy.  Good luck!

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Thu, 09/10/2009 - 16:46