How Do I Love Thee?

Bill - Yeah, I never subscribed to "The One." I've always been quite the romantic, but even at a young age "The One" seemed rather... unrealistic. 

And L.A... Well, I hate to dismiss the entire dating scene or men in L.A. out of hand. Just recently I was listening to someone do that and it's so negative, but yes, it can be challenging out here, and Mammakaze, you hit the nail on the head for a certain segment of the male population here. The one thing I do find most frustrating is when a guy is actually on your level lookswise and he seems to perceive that he's higher and you're lower. Ug. Oh well, maybe I'll marry one of those 45-year olds when I'm 55...  ;)

Tina - Congratulations!  I look forward to reading more.

And Diet Newbie - A brand new blog, congrats. You've set some ambitious goals for yourself, but I hope you aren't too focused on what other people think vs. what really makes *you* happy.  Good luck!

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

I agree, relationship matter is the most confusing problem in our life, and always be. I never have a serious relationship before. I guess all my exes just trying to have some joke in dating me...

I'm really dissapointed with myself ( http://dietnewbie.blogspot.com ) and my ability to attract Mr.Right. But I guess my time will come eventually... I am really sure; I want to be sure, is more like it... That someday my knight in the shining armor will come.

Wish me luck... If you are willing to... *giggle*

http://dietnewbie.blogspot.com

Okay, your first problem is that you dated in L.A.

I mean, I have lived and dated and ultimately married in L.A. And lemme tell you, the breed of men out here are not the same as the ones in other cities. Guys come out here for fame, fortune and the hopes that Bar Rafaeli will get a flat tire out in front of their apartment and her cell phone won't get reception and they'll come to the rescue and score with her. And since there are more models and actresses per square mile in L.A. than anywhere in the world, they actually believe it will happen.

The "regular" women they date or are in a relationship with, don't have a chance against "the possibility" of the woman they want to date. They've got one eye on you and the other on the leggy blonde who just walked into the restaurant.

Now what ultimately happens to these guys is they actually DO get famous and score the trophy the wife (very small percentage) or DON'T get famous and get married at 45 to a regular girl when they finally realize they set the "bar" too high. And let's face it, if you're a 30 year old woman who wants to get married and have a family, you don't have 15 years to wait for the guy to see the reality. And why would you want to? He's a superficial jerk.

Know what some of my women friends did? They went to other countries and found their husbands there. You know, places like Brazil and France where men don't have problems with committing. I kid you not.

Me. I lucked out and found possibly the ONLY guy in L.A. who didn't have the supermodel fantasy. At least, he's never admitted it. Not if he knows what's good for him.

www.mammakaze.com ( http://www.mammakaze.com/ )

I am a believer in the existence of different types of love, some that are  exciting and good in the short term, and others that make for a lifetime partnership.

I finally got married (very recently) and have been sharing the experience with my readers.  It is funny how we let love arrive before all else when we are young, and as we mature, we look for worthy places to plant our love. 

www.floridagirlmidwest.blogspot.com ( http://www.floridagirlmidwest.blogspot.com/ )

Good points, Liz.

You're not alone in how you've dealt with relationships.  It seems to me that most people put the cart before the horse and go for the feeling rather than the person that's supposed to catalyze that feeling.  First of all, the kind of Love you're talking about is Chemical Addiction.  It's a feeling that people like, to generalize.  As long as they can get that high, they're going to keep rolling with the situation, until, as you stated, they just can't justify all the cons for the pros.  It's like any other addiction to chocolate or alcohol, but people don't treat it as such.

What happened to you is a couple of things... First of all, you got used to "being in love".  This is one of the problems with (I'm not saying *you* did this) people saying "This is The One".  As soon as that relationship ends and there's a second "One", no matter how much people try to sugarcoat it and tell their friends that they made a mistake the other time(S), but THIS is the real thing :/ ... They know in their "heart of hearts" that there's no such thing as The One, and that's a sobering and potentially depressing concept, which is why they fight so hard to suppress it and pretend they're living the fantasy life they were brainwashed to believe as small children.

The other thing is that you moved to an immensely shallow market for dating.  I haven't dealt with it, myself, being from NYC, but EVERYONE that I've heard of that's tried dating in Los Angeles has said it's incredibly superficial.  People that have sampled both scenes say LA is way harder than NYC for dating/relationships.  That means you'll most likely have a much smaller pool of people to select from, which means there's less of a chance that you'll meet someone that's really, REALLY compatible with you to the degree that you might fall in love with them.

Even if you find that, you have too much experience now to be "as in love" as you used to be, because, as with any other potentially-addictive substance, the more you get of it, the more you get used to it and the less it affects you.  So, as we move forward, we actually need increasingly amazing people to date, not similar or less outstanding, if we want to feel like "Wow... This person's REALLY something! :D".

The upside of all this is that you've become increasingly strong-willed and self-sufficient.  It's not so important for you to feel this addictive love from someone who demonstrates to you by their personality that they're not thinking of you in the same way, OR are even a NEGATIVE influence in your life.  That's a great thing.  It doesn't feel as exciting, but it's a much stronger position for you, mentally and emotionally.

~ Bill ( http://billcammack.com/ )

I blog at billcammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/ )

( http://billcammack.com )