Twice in the past four weeks I have had the ‘pleasure’ of attending those non-stop booze fest masquerading as real work, type weekends events. Though using the word ‘pleasure’ would probably be putting things nicely since I find constant schmoozing to be as awesome as standing in a room full of clowns. But since the former is a large part of my work and the latter would probably knock me dead, I can say that I do the schmoozing with a smile plastered on my even if it requires deep breathing and maybe some tranquilizers.

This begs the question as to how exactly I have functioned doing what I do for the past five years. And the answer is: I don’t know. It is still the part of my job that I have found most difficult to conquer. There are moments when I am pretty sure that cranking out 18 TPS reports and dealing with a faulty Xerox machine would be more pleasurable than sipping cocktails and hand shaking. But I do it because I have to. The ‘have to’ even when I really don’t want to is another one of those things that I wasn’t warned about when I signed up for being an adult with a career. I signed up for the health insurance and the 401(K) not being forced into a room with 956 other people who would love to share their life stories.

The last two uber-events that I’ve attended have very little to do with each other. The first being a legislative weekend and the most recent being a little thing called SXSW Interactive. No matter the group - 567 members of the state legislature or 567 Geeks - I still found myself wanting to cower in the background. It’s not just the nerves that get me it’s the always being ‘on’. It is the constant smiling and walking around in heels (though at SXSW I walked around in Chuck Taylor All Stars but you get my point) and the awkward pauses in the middle of conversations and the trying to be at my best and really put myself out there even when I am filled with doubt on both fronts. I am the one who attends fundraisers, casually sips a glass of wine, while lingering in the background. My coworkers are the ones who drag me, half catatonic, into the fray because it is a necessity and I need to learn and it is MY JOB.

Getting a new job isn’t an option and obviously this is all about me and my feeling inadequate even though I am not. I also am surrounding myself with bloggers and politicians, two groups of people who love nothing more than to talk about just how awesome they are (I can and will do it too, so I am not hating) so it should be easy for me to insert myself into conversation but for some reason I just cannot. But like I said, it is a ‘have to’. I have to do it and I eventually survive and get over it but I wonder at times if I am the only person that this happens to. Am I the only one who finds these types of work related events to be daunting and sometimes bordering on insipid? Are there aspects of your particular line of work that you really cannot stand to do but you do so because you have to?

Speaking of SXSW Interactive, several great ladies from BlogHer are in attendance: Lynne D. Johnson, Erin Kotecki Vest and Virginia DeBlolt who I actually saw and didn’t know what to say so I ran away. In my next life I will learn how to use basic English and say “Hello”.