How Do You Tell Your Kids When You And Your Spouse Are Splitting?
IT LOOKS LIKE MY HUSBAND AND I ARE GOING TO GET DIVORCED. HOW SHOULD I EXPLAIN IT TO MY SON?
MOLLY: This was submitted from a reader in Denver, Colorado. She added that she wants to make sure her son is mentally prepared should they get a divorce.
Dr. Susan Rutherford (MOM): I think that you’re right to think ahead and get as mentally prepared as you can. Although truthfully, I don’t know if you can become totally prepared for telling your child about a divorce. It’s really one of the hardest things for a parent to do.
So there are a couple things she will want to do as a parent. First she will want to lay it out that basically that this is an agreement between the parents and it has absolutely nothing to do with the child.
I know that that’s advice that everybody gives but it’s really important advice. It's important to say this out loud to the child and reassure him that it’s not his fault and that he has nothing to do with this decision.
More often than not I’ve found that children are most concerned about what’s going to happen to them. So that’s something she'll want to spell out to her child. Where he’s going to live? Where is his home base going to be? When is he going to see his Dad or his Mom? The parents should work out those issues about how the child is going to live before they tell their son the news so that he has a clear idea about what’s going to happen to him. That’s the most important way to allay his anxieties and fears.
She'll want to offer security to him: reassure him that he’s not going to get lost in the mess and that his parents are going to work as hard as they can together to limit the amount of disruption in his life.
MOLLY: You probably don’t do this until you’ve truly decided to get separated, right?
Dr. Susan Rutherford: Right, you would not do this until the couple has made the final decision and somebody has figured out where they are going to move to when they leave the family house.
The other thing to consider is the age of the child (in this case I don't know the age). That would determine how much information to give.
It’s very important to answer a child’s questions as.....
Molly Skyar and Dr. Rutherford are behind the blog “Conversations With My Mother”: a blog about raising kids and how our parenting decisions now can have long term effects.
Dr. Rutherford is a Clinical Psychologist in practice for over 30 years. She has degrees from Duke University, New York University (NYU), and the University of Denver.
Molly is Dr. Rutherford's younger daughter and the mother of two children under six.