How to Fold A Fitted Sheet...And Other Nonsense.
How to Fold a Fitted Sheet
Step One: Take super clean and highly deodorized fitted sheet and hold it out in front of you while wafting in the scent of lilacs and productivity.
Step Two: Put pointed fingers into the fitted corner pockets and stand there with your arms out to your sides, looking confused, while your 3 year old asks you what you are doing ten times. Kindly remind yourself that you are the Martha Stewart of your household. You are the CEO of your laundry.
Step Three: Bring hands that are in the corner pockets together, then put them out to your sides again, then in again, then out, and shake 'em all about. Do the Hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, that's what prescription medication is ALL A-BOUT! Ya!
Step Four: Take deep breaths through your nostrils. Remind yourself that Rome was not built in a day.
Step Five: Resume position of both hands in the fitted pocket corners of the sheet and bring them together in front of you. Look down because it should all be self-explanatory from there. Bring corners inside out, wiggle them around, swirl sheet around like you folding egg whites into a cake. Gently now. Yes, egg whites. Fold them in the batter with a wooden spoon. Wait, what? Then fold sheet ever so precisely into seventeenths. SEVENTEENTHS! Shake your head and refrain from yelling at everyone that is within earshot.
Step Six: Forget everything above. Lay fitted sheet flat on your kitchen floor.Yes the one with Rice Krispies adhered to the wood. Yes, the ones that will require a chisel to get off. Lay down on the sheet on your stomach and spread your arms and legs out so that one limb goes into each fitted pocket corner. There. Make sheet snow angel for one minute laughing hysterically.
Step Seven: In one quick move, from the floor-laying position, bring your hands and feet together from the floor while jumping up and sticking your bum in the air. All the fitted corners should have magically inserted themselves into each other, but chances are they didn't. Move gracefully into downward dog, then cat-cow pose, then go directly to next step:
Step Eight: Violently throw fitted sheet out front door onto snow bank. Throw your ego out on the lawn too while you are at it. This is useless.
Step Nine: After 30 minutes or so, retrieve sheet, and aforementioned dignity, and bring it back into the house. Stick it in the dryer, take it out, and roll it in one long tube, shove it BACK in the linen closet with the other tumbleweed balls of sheets that are falling out of every nook of that closet.
Step Ten: Unpin Fitted Sheet Instructions off Pinterest. Pin recipe for very VERY wrong mint chocolate brownies instead.