How to Get a Happier Marriage: Sorry, Twilight. True Love Isn't for Teenagers.

I totally second that! Tweens and Teens are on a whole different planet, not even level than the rest of the human race. I remember thinking I was untouchable, then. How naive? It saddens me to know that my little sister married young. It hurt to watched her fall puppy in love with a young boy, hurt, birth her son and divorce all before she reached 21. I tried desperately to change her mind by asking the wrong questions, before she married at 18. Even worst my husband's little sister sung the same sad love song at 18 in a different place, with another young boy and even gave birth to a beautiful little girl. It's so sad that all the time, effort, and pain could have been prevented. I'm not saying that life is over for them, but they sure would have had a better jump start at life, without all the struggling and stife. I wish I had read this earlier. I love this post, this was exactly what I tried desperately to express in concern for my little sister's life choices.

However, 17 years ago, in 1994 I met my husband, at a youth dance in California. I was only 13 and he was 18. We dated off and on. We knew we loved each other from the moment we met, but fate would have us experience life apart, many times, only to guarantee the survival of our love, through all trials and tribulations met in our marriage. Our love became exclusive and official when we settled down together, only 2 years (2005 at the ages of 25 and 29)after the birth of our daughter. Our family was sealed, only 3 ago, in the SLC temple. We knew there wasn't anyone else out there for us, but we had to make sure, we were right. Some kids know and some kids just don't get it.

Most teen brains just aren't developed enough to get it. You tend to think the rules don't apply to you. What affects other people will never affect you. You're invincible! It's only with greater maturity that you can start to see what it takes to make a relationship successful. If you get married young and make it work I think it's often luck in growing together that gets you through.

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I read the Twilight series and while I thought it was well written and a quick read, I thought of it as a book. When my teenager daughter read it she didn't dream of true love or vampires, she thought it was a good book as well. I felt the same way about the Harry Potter books when others said that if you read those books you were opening yourself up to witchcraft and other bad things.

I don't think that every teen is ready for a deep, forever relationship early on, but some are. I have been with my husband for over 18 years and we will celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary in a little less than a month. But we understood as children of divorce ourselves that marriages take work and you have to communicate with your spouse. Have things been rainbows and sunshine all 18 years, of course not, but we don't really fight. We disagree, but we talk it out when we do.

I probably could go on and on for a while, but I do believe that if a teen has good role models for a relationship with their parents they have a better chance of getting in a good relationship themselves.

Heather 

Domestic Extraordinaire

My husband and I were talking about this last night. It came about because I going on a sort of business trip and have to share a room with someone I don't know. I said that the worst part of it is never having down time to just "be". My husband was married once when he was much younger and more foolish. He told me that is what his entire first marriage felt like.

It was then that it occurred to me that this is what I loved about him the most. I am just "me" with him, and it has always been that way. Even 9 years later, I can not imagine anyone else that I could spend this much time with. Even with all the crap that we go through...

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The thought of having classes in high school makes sense to me now that I'm an adult and have had the experiences I've had. However, when you're young, you aren't (usually) in tune with sound judgement. You are still learning all of the feelings that life throws your way. No way you would listen. I'm not sure it's necessary to avoid some of the pitfalls...after all, life is composed of them. That's how we learn. Love is no different.

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~*~Eneida~*~

I think something a lot of people forget about when they form opinions about Twilight is the fact that S. Meyer's vampires are essentially stagnant emotionally from the time they are changed until something as 'life changing' as love comes into their lives.

I know it sounds silly to be rationalizing a fictional love story, but the thing is, because of the way Meyer wrote her vampire 'lore' Bella and Edward will eternally love each other just as much as they did when they first 'fell' in love.

Change is something that is pretty essential in our lives, but in the lives of these characters it's something almost unheard of.

I totally agree with you though about how 'normal' teenagers aren't ready for this kind of thing and that most don't have the sort of understanding about relationships (or even themselves for that matter) to commit to something like marriage.

or sticking my nose in where I shouldn't, but this is precisely why we have always told our kids that their dad and I will be taking a very active part in who they date, and put some definite parameters around how dating will be done.

When you're gaga for someoen your ability to evaluate someone's character is impaired, and if you haven't been married you don't know what it takes to make it work, or how hard it is. Since we've been there, done that, I think it's our job to help our kids navigate around those pitfalls, and pay attention to red flags that you might ignore when you're head over heels.

Sheryl ( http://papernapkin.typepad.com/ )

Mandy
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Thanks for quoting me! I think a component of true love is disagreeing respectfully. Several of the women I've interviewed have talked about how they never argued with their ex and kept it all bottled up, not wanting to rock the boat. Eventually that does rock the boat and by then it might be too late. True love provides a safe place to voice your views, opinions and needs.

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I SO agree!!!
I think that to have a lasting relationship you have to be mature and know the "rules".
So many couples have an horrible relationship. We need to focus on what makes a good relationship....Also, i think that true and for ever love exists if you believe in it and your partner also.
I like the movies better than the books, maybe because i am so busy...also we have to remember and point to the teens...It is just fantasies and it is there to make us dream and entertain us.

Frenchy...Born and raised in Paris, France...Hubby's is American, Founder and inventor of Amber Alert GPS. 3 Darling kids. Lives in Utah....Designer, fashionista, decorator, crafter, cook, gardener...Anything French.
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The "her" in question is my daughter.

She read the "Twilight" series a few years ago, and really wanted me to read them so we could talk about them. Which I did.

And while I found the first book entertaining for speaking to that same desperate, middle-and-early-high-schooler who wanted nothing more than to be *that* damned desired, as a writer, the marked and rapid deterioration of the quality of the writing as the books progressed left me frustrated and nauseated. It was almost as if she (Miller? I think) decided as the books increased in popularity that she needed an editor less instead of more.

My daughter writes, she's damned good. (Which, frankly, threatens my self-esteem. ; ) And we spent a lot of time talking about what, specifically, in the writing was poor. And she flip-flopped from being a "Twilight" addict to being a (semi)"Twilight" critic. (She still really adores the first book, and loves the idea of the series from a story-telling standpoint.)

And part of what I appreciated about these talks was how well she was able to compartmentalize the story as a fictional romance. We compared it to "Romeo and Juliet" and "Beauty and the Beast." She didn't see the story as anything but a hyperexaggerated tale designed to suck in the reader, and I was relieved.

I think it would be unreasonable to expect a 14 (at the time) year-old-girl to not have visions of love and white horses ('cause I don't think it's possible to grow up int his culture and not have that intrude), but I was relieved that she didn't see it as a model to base relationships upon.

Which doesn't mean she won't fall for the wrong guy, do any number of stupid things that she regrets later, or cry her eyes out over someone who doesn't deserve her angst.

But I'm hopeful for the Long One for her.

I love this, Rita. I've never read Twilight, but I do work in a girls high school, so I know teenage young women. I try to make the point with my students that relationships - friendships and love relationships - require intimacy, which requires trust and respect. I believe learning to build healthy relationships (and learning how to end destructive ones)is key to a positive self-image and a life grounded in reality.

I was married for a decade and have been divorced for a little over a year, and sometimes I think I know next to nothing about true love. Other times, I think the ending of my marriage came with lessons dipped in gold. I like what you say about true love, and I think it is applicable to ALL kinds of love - true friendship for me requires the same kind of emotional intimacy as a romantic partnership. I disagree only about one point: I need a sustaining intellectual stimulation. It is a deal-breaker.

So take it from one who isn't married: this series is thought-provoking and helpful on many levels!

Lara

Notions of Identity

I think most relationships -- especially the long-term ones -- start with some form of yearning. So the beauty of that is you get to have your cake and eat it too!

You've beautifully covered all the essentials here! I'd just like to re-iterate -- after 31 years with my husband (okay we met when I was 16, yearning: check) -- that kindness is probably the number one ingredient in terms of the long-term everyday. It keeps the love alive because you are reminded through it that you are loved and valued. And kindness isn't epic -- it's gentle and sweet.

Thanks for a great topic!! B

The Middle Ages ( http://themiddle-ages.blogspot.com/ )      Two Friends--different ages, different husbands, different opinions

As a teen, I yearned to fall in head-over-heels love. I would have eaten up the Twilight books, I'm sure.

With each relationship, I yearned, and I hoped that this was "the one"--only to realize that it wasn't. When I met my husband, I was almost 27. I married him at 30. I needed the life experience of those 20-something years to really appreciate a healthy relationship, and all the work that maintaining one entails.

I agree with you, Rita, that the "yearning-is-not-the-same-as-trust-and-respect" concept is something that generally needs to be learned in order to maintain a life-long commitment.

~Margaret

Just Margaret ( http://maurhoffbarney.blogspot.com )

I think a class for teenagers is a great idea but the qualities you need to have to be part of a relationship that grows into true love need to be learned long before you are a teenager.

Even at 7 & 8 we talk to our kids about keeping the other person's needs in mind, being the person you would want them to be for you, truly celebrating someone else's victories, self-sacrifice and what that looks like on a daily basis--like sharing that toy when you don't want to, listening to the other side of the story, asking what movie someone else wants to watch--being in tune with others in general.

I'm not talking about being a carpet to be walked all over. But I am talking about shifting your focus from yourself and that takes practice because we are self-centered folks. Unlike Twilight which is pretty much me, me, me and how I feel, true love, unconditional love, means stepping away from yourself. If that is practiced early on, then it is easier to remind the teenager when they are at the height of self-centeredness how to do that.

I just love what you have written here. Oh, that yearning... yuck. I really never want to go there again. I do think perhaps young people do have to go through some of that yearning to know that there is really so much more out there. And then there's the hormones -- those crazy teen hormones. I don't see any way around those.
I hope my kids don't have the same number of heartaches I did as a young person, but I won't begrudge them a few butterflies in their stomachs and tears on their pillows.

SUCH a good point. I think that's why I was able to like them: years removed from the wonderful, horrific experience of teenage love/lust. I'm passing this on to my friends with daughters who are having arguments over the right age for reading the series.

Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )), from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ), is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

You are dead on! I work with 14 year old girls in my church youth group and they are completely enamored with Twilight. We had a series called "Wanted" and we asked each girl what she really "wanted". Here are the answers we received: a boyfriend, to be held, companionship, true love! Are you kidding, 30 year old men are hardly capable of holding (with out sex), companionship and true love. It is crazy of them to think that they would get that at 14! As every woman knows, whether she found it out as a teen or much later even after getting married and having children, girls should spend time just being girls! Doing girl things, being silly, and totally not worried about a boyfriend and true love. Not only can their young minds not handle it, they are reaching for something completely unattainable!

Marriage is one of the hardest things I have EVER done. So well worth it but it is so much more than a "yearning'. Some days I cannot stomach looking at my husband but we keep on keepin' on even on the days when we have lost that lovin' feeling! Not so sure you can do that when you simply "yearn" after someone!

Many Blessings,

Katina
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I've always thought a Relationships class for teens would be great (since they might listen to a good teacher about the topic rather than their parents!)but the key word there is "good"-- a school coach who teaches health or a youth pastor wouldn't necessarily be the best choice. Perhaps a panel of adults with a variety of experiences and ages would be good. I think some teens "yearn" for instruction on this topic from someone to whom they can ask questions, since the only other place they get advice about it is from teen magazines. True, some wouldn't listen, but some would!
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I always attributed Twilight's success with the fact that what 12 year old girl doesn't want a boyfriend who wants you so badly he wants to 'eat' you?!

But joking aside, while I think trying to teach teenagers the true nature of love/being someone's partner is a wonderful idea I know that I for one needed to come out of the other side of that hard life lesson before I could even take in the concept.

Saving the World One Fat Ass at a Time!

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