How To Get Your Wife in the Mood, Guaranteed
You will be having the best sex of your life in no time
You stud muffin, you, I have seen the confusion on your face when your wife rejects you in bed for the eighth time that week (being so romantic, you don't only try in the evenings). "What the hell?" you ask. "I am trying everything here. Marriage is a two way street." That is true, friend, but before considering divorce or one of those devices purchased to feel like a woman's nether regions, think long and hard about whether you have tried the following guaranteed wife seducers.
1- If you want you wife begging for it like the sexual dynamo she was in her sorority years from what her friends allude to when they are drunk, the best way to go is Passive Aggressiveness. Don't phone this one in, guys, because its effect can be far beyond your wildest imaginings.
Wife: I'm really tired.
You: Oh, then I guess it's another no for tonight. That's cool. Whatever. It hasn't been two weeks yet since we've had sex, right? No problem. I'll just sit here on my laptop while you go up to bed alone.
Wife: Hey, why am I suddenly so aroused?
2- Another lady pleaser is the fine art of Not Taking Responsibility. This one will have her hanging from the rafters, screaming in a positive way for once. Here's a possible way to use this technique:
Wife: You forgot Madison's bag at school today when you did pickup.
You: No, there was no bag, and I didn't forget it, and who is Madison?
Wife: Can I give you a blowjob?
3- Another one that never fails to bring the ladies to tears of joy and sexual fulfilliment is Not Helping Out. There are many variations on this theme, but don't worry, the majority of them will have the intended result, of crazy sex all night long.
Wife: Can you get me a plastic bag? Madison just vomited in the car all over everything.
You: Do we have plastic bags? Where are they? Can you wait a second, I've been trying to set up the DVR for something important.
Wife: screw Madison, let's have intercourse right here in the doorway.
4- This master-level technique will have your wife wondering just what she did to deserve a stud like you. Don't be intimidated, I know you can execute this maneuver with barely any effort at all. It's called: Never Share Feelings or Thoughts.
Wife: I'm so upset. Madison and Jayden fought all day. Is this what having two kids is like? I didn't fight with my brother that much, I don't think. What was it like for you and Carol?
You: Um, don't really remember. Hey, I wanted the BBQ flavor of pita chips, not these.
Wife: Fine, I'll do the threesome, but only if it's with a really hot girl we pick up at a bar.
5- Okay, do you even have it in you for another round? If so, you'll have to pull out all the stops, Big Boy. This is a tried and true method for seduction that works on even the most recalcitrant of wives. It is called Dismiss Her Perspective.
Wife: Being a stay at home mom is so hard.
You: Um, yeah, it's hard to hang out and play all day. When I got home they were watching SuperWhy. Sounds like it was pretty tough --
Wife: (has begun removing her clothes)
As you can see, there are numerous ways to skin a cat, and since I'm sure you're already excellent at Empathy, Validation, Splitting Household Responsibility, Owning when You Mess Up, and Expressing Yourself, these additional techniques are guaranteed to get your sex life to the next level. Trust me.
Till next time, I remain, The Blogapist Who Attempts to Humorously Get You to Examine How You May Unwittingly be Sabotaging Your Relationship.