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Sparkle (9)
Ah, the threesome. Is there anything that inspires so many fantasies? And is there anything as likely to cause complications in your relationship? Threesomes can be amazing fun, but only when you set them up right. Here are some useful tips to make sure that everyone is getting what they want. (This is written for couples looking for a third person -- there are some different things to think about when you’re solo and looking for a couple.)
Photo by Mark Sebastian.
First, are you both sure that you both want to do it? It’s pretty common for one partner to be more enthusiastic about it than the other. That can be okay as long as there’s some interest, but if one of you really isn’t into it, for any reason, don’t push it. Take some time to talk about whatever it is that makes it unappealing. Sometimes, it can be fixed and sometimes, it can’t. If it turns out that it simply isn’t going to work for one of you, there are still lots of other fun things to do!
OK, so you both want to make it happen. But what are you looking for? Do you want to find a man? A woman? Do you want to have two of you focus on the third? Do you all want to take turns being the center of attention? Are there specific kinds of sex you want to have? Does one person want to watch while the other two put on a show? The more you can be clear about what you want, the easier it is to get it. If you’re having trouble coming up with ideas, think about some of the fantasies that turn you on. Or write it as a sexy story to give your partner. Or read a book of erotic stories about threesomes for inspiration. (If you highlight the parts that you really like in one color and your partner does the same in another color, it’s easy to see where things line up.) The only way to be sure that you get what you want is to tell your partner what that is.
A lot of people say that planning it out gets in the way of enjoying it. And while it’s true that being so focused on a script that you lose spontaneity isn’t much fun for anyone, a little preparation goes a long way. Instead of getting stuck in the “spontaneous sex is always better” frame of mind, try thinking of it like a gourmet meal you want to create. The planning and the prep time simply add to the anticipation, which can make it even more fun. Make your pre-threesome conversations part of the foreplay, instead of a hoop you need to jump through. Talk about it during sex and discover what gets you or your partner excited. Be as explicit as you want, and think of what you come up with as guidelines rather than a checklist.
Finding someone for a threesome can sometimes be a bit tricky. After all, mutual attraction and overlapping interests can get complicated enough when it’s just two people getting together. When there’s three of you, there are a lot more options. Some people get stuck at this point because they have very different tastes -- I’ve spoken with a couple once where he liked women with piercings and tattoos and she wanted a cheerleader type. They worked it out by taking turns picking someone, but that won’t work for everyone.
Although you might find a compatible third at a party or a bar (and there’s no reason to not try), you can also look online. Lots of online personals sites have options for couples looking for someone and there are even some that focus exclusively on it. And if you’re in a big city, odds are there are social events or parties for like-minded people. Google terms like polyamorous or swingers or open relationships to find local groups. As with anything, getting your foot in the door is the hardest part. Once you meet one or two folks in the know, they’ll probably be able to tell you about parties or communities you’ll want to know about. Do a little networking and see who you find! One suggestion, though -- if you want to invite someone you already know, it’s a good idea to talk with them in advance about how it might change your friendships with them. I’ve seen more than a few friends fall out
