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My daughters like clothes shopping with me; they feel safe because I am honest. I used to cringe every time they said that; most of my life I could hardly ever be called honest and I felt that my dishonesty had made me more treacherous than safe.
Dishonesty is not completely a personal flaw, it is a fully accepted practice in today’s world. Nobody really expects politicians, news reporters, even parents and friends to tell the truth and nothing but the truth.
I, like everybody else, was taught not to blurt out what I saw, felt or thought but rather tell polite platitudes. Thus at 21 years old I entered my first marriage well versed in never letting on what I thought. I was no longer capable of sharing or even facing my own innermost thoughts or doubts and always kept my cards close to my chest.
There was NO way I could be honest enough to hear my father when he suggested that I should reconsider my choice of a husband before it was too late. I will never ever forget that moment though AND I thank God that I have come to forgive myself for the fact that my previous marriage was indeed a lie from beginning to end albeit an ignorant rather than a deliberate lie.
For many years the pretenses went on. It is amazing how well trained I was to perform on the stage of life while hiding and being completely ignorant about the fact that this pretense was condemning my ex-husband and me to a very lonely time in which we separately played out our roles.
I was completely unaware that dishonesty had everybody living in treacherous unpredictable waters, because no one ever really knew the lay of my land.
Dishonesty never allows trust and connectedness.
Hearing; ”oh yes, I am happy” while my grumpy behavior tells otherwise is not a great way to instill intimacy and trust, is it?
My ignorance stopped when I ’saw’ the consequences; when I paid attention to how my ex husband and my daughters also suffered from my dishonest ‘role play’.
I was not the only one feeling miserable and alone.
From then on my ignorant well meaning untruths of ”Oh no, I am fine” and my withholding of thoughts became deceitful.
Once I saw what dishonesty did, I could have done what my friend so astutely observed; ” At points it is easier not to pay attention than to consider the reality of what is happening and have to live consciously in that awareness. . . . “
It was very tempting indeed to ignore what I saw, but THAT would be deliberate dishonesty for sure and that I could not face.
I had to own up, stop pretending to myself that all was okay and to accept the fact that my then husband and I were NOT compatible. My ego had great difficulty with declaring ‘defeat’, but I could no longer ignore the damage that was being done.
It was time to ‘live consciously in that awareness‘ and clean up my mess.
That took courage because I knew the consequences would be severe. It would mean the end of my marriage and all the nastiness that would be the result of a hurt confused male ego fighting dirty.
But in the end how could that be worse than a dishonest marriage, how could that be worse than the slow death of ME and HIM, how could that be worse than my daughters having a deliberately dishonest mother.
Becoming honest goes against the grain of current society, but the good news is that it creates a vacuum that leaves space for new opportunities.
It did so for me. The vacuum was filled with a wonderful relationship in which I did not have to repeat my mistakes as I was no longer ignorant about my dishonesty.
I gave up pretenses which was good anyway because John could see right through them.
Knowing I was dishonest did not make me a honest woman straight away. Years of training and living in dishonest contexts takes its toll; dishonesty creeps in everywhere. It took massive amounts of talking to unravel them all and I
