How Infertility Has Hurt My Husband
Yesterday morning my husband, while drinking his coffee and reading his Facebook updates, let out a loud gasp. I wandered into the living room and saw a defeated look on his face.... "Danny and his wife had a baby!" My husband has known him for about 15 or so years, they go way back...and of course, Danny is a newlywed.
My husband hasn't been overly emotional through all of the crap that we have been through. He has actually been my rock, my rational side of my brain and the stable part of my heart. He has held me many a'nights while I have cried uncontrollably and in the moments I thought I couln't take another step forward, while collapsed on the bathroom floor, he has been there to carry me one step further to what he declares with certainty, the day we will be parents. He has been there every time I have screamed with envy while another friend announces their pregnancy, their birth or sends us their "first photo" announcement. He has helped me laugh through the pain by making hysterical (and cynical) resolutions for us to live by, "Picking up the crack pipe, drinking whiskey for breakfast and promising to be emotionally abusive as soon as our baby is born." He has a sense of humor that I get... when all else fails, drink, eat 4 hamburgers a day and whore myself out. This is the point we have gotten to - it's the bottom of the humor tank. Things that shouldn't be funny, are.
When we lost baby Sprout, my husband cried with me. It was so hard to see his dream drip away and with no chance of me repairing what had been broken. He has since held himself together - it's been 2 years (this May) since Sprout left us and for me, there isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't wonder what kind of a girl she would have been. For my husband, he just says, "she'll come back to us... I just know it."
Three months ago my husband called, sobbing on the phone. I freaked out and asked is his father or mother were ok. He said, "Maurice had a baby boy and he didn't tell us for 9 months because he didn't want to upset me." Clearly the news, whether at that moment or 9 months earlier would have resulted in the same mass of tears. Maurice is one of my husband's closest friends and Maurice and his wife had also lost a pregnancy around the same time we had lost Sprout. They had consoled each other (I know, cute) and knew how hard it was for their wives to handle the loss. Maurice had invited my husband and I to the Briss - which was only 3 days away. The whole situation was weird and along with my sadness and happiness (for them) I was also mad. This completely through my husband into a tail-spin and once again, I couldn't take away or solve the pain that my husband was feeling.
My husband passed on the Briss invitation (he didn't need his arm bent) but decided to go visit Maurice, his wife and their newborn.
To this day, I have never seen my husband cry as hard or as much. When he got home all I witnessed was my husband having nothing short of a major emotional release. I feel like the past 2-3 years worth of sadness, anger, confusion, loss, pain, jealousy, envy, lack of control, and frustration culminated into that very moment when I saw my husband's heart break wide open before my very eyes.
This was "The" breakthrough that my acupuncturist was hoping for. He has been taking Chinese Herbs and doing acupuncture pretty regularly since our last failed cycle in August and there was something significant about getting him to be able to RELEASE. This was "The" breakthrough that I feared... not because it was scary, but because it was so painful for me to witness.
My husband didn't cry yesterday after reading the Facebook update - perhaps he used up what he had in storage. But he did look at me with a glimmer of hopeful light in his eye and said, "I am so ready to be a Dad, let's get those three under-dog popsicles out of the freezer and make some babies!"
God I love my husband... the eternal optimist and my eternal partner!