How To: Make Breakfast On The 4th Of July

1. Sleep in.

2. Drink coffee until you have the jitters and your blood sugar is tanking.

3. Send the Wonder Hub to the grocery store.

4. Dice bell peppers and onions, sauté in real butter.

5. Have starving child grate cheese. Expect that he'll eat approximately half.

6. Feed starving children donuts from WH's store run.

7. Combat donuts with smoothies (made by the WH)!

8. Cook bacon: Line cookie sheet with tinfoil. Have starving child lay slimy bacon pieces out on pan. Silently congratulate yourself for not having to touch slimy bacon pieces. Place pan in unheated oven before setting temp to 400 and timer for 17 minutes.

Result: Perfect bacon.

9. Cook biscuits: Line microwave/convection oven turntable with tinfoil. Preheat convection oven to 350. Place Pillsbury (or other easy, packaged) biscuits on tinfoil and carefully place in preheated convection oven. Bake for 6 minutes shy of directed baking time.

Result: Perfect biscuits

10. When smoothies and donuts are gone, bacon is cooked and biscuits are baked, add ten eggs (cracked into large bowl and whisked) to sautéed peppers and onions/butter. Resist urge to touch eggs until bottom layer has cooked (2-3 minutes), and then scramble. Add plenty of Otis Cafe Seasoning Salt. When fully cooked (runny eggs are gross!), add grated cheese.

Forget to take picture.

11. Artfully arrange bacon, biscuits, eggs on Polish pottery plates. Do this for your own sense of satisfaction as no one else will notice.

12. Feed starving children/husband/self.

13. Refuse to cook again until someone else cleans kitchen.

Happy Fourth of July!!


Karen is a freelance writer and speaker. You can follow her on Twitter at @karenklasi.


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