In our spring clean-up this week (more on that later), I unearthed a file of papers from when Den and I did our pre-marriage education weekend earlier this year. In Australia, these weekends are generally a prerequisite for marrying in any given church – though after being pleasantly surprised by the genuinely great information we were given during the course, I highly recommend some form of it to any couple getting married.

We went in expecting to be lectured at by a priest on the wrongs and rights of marriage (In fact, I was braced for a full, mandatory inflatable-pool Baptism into the Catholic religion, thinking these little weekends were merely a recruitment drive) but in fact, there was no religion mentioned even in passing and rather a lecture, we were encouraged to instead talk to each other, get to know each other a little more intimately and with intent and think about what issues may come up in the course of our future relationship.

Gottman’s Love Map Theory
One exercise was borne from Gottman’s Love Map theory. Your love map is the part of your brain where you store information about your partner’s dreams, goals, joys, fears, likes, dislikes, frustrations, and worries. Things like your husband’s favorite TV Show or your wife’s favourite leisure activities are significant “points” on the map.

Why are thorough love maps so important? Because they strengthen relationships. Couples with comprehensive love maps stay aware of their partner’s changing needs. They constantly seek updates on what the other person is doing, feeling, and thinking. Being understood in this way is a gift each partner gives the other, bringing great happiness and satisfaction. It also leaves couples better prepared to cope with stresses on their relationship.

For example, in one study Gottman interviewed couples around the time of the birth of their first child. For 67% of couples this stressful event was accompanied by a significant drop in marital satisfaction. But the other 33% did feel a drop in satisfaction; in fact many felt their marriages had gotten stronger. The difference was the completeness of the couples’ love maps. “The couples whose marriages thrived after the birth had detailed love maps from the get-go,” says Gottman. “These love maps protected their marriages in the wake of this dramatic upheaval.”

The point is also that couples goals, dreams and priorities change over time. If couples can make a continued effort to update their love maps of each other, they stand a much better chance of making it through the hard times together.

Getting to Know Your Partner
We were handed a lighthearted quiz to do at our couples weekend. Around 60 questions that could make up a love map, with different points weighted for each. We were to quiz each other and see how well we knew one another. Rather than getting angry that your sweetie was unaware of your favourite magazine, or social security number, it presents an opportunity for the two of you to bond further and get to know each other better.

Poor Den – I change my mind and my preferences at breakneck speed. My favourite colour, food, beverage and more could be completely different from one day to the next depending on my mood.

Luckily for me, he’s quite the creature of habit… like a slow-moving glacier. I’m pretty confident that what he likes now will not change by Friday. That said, I’m conscious that to keep our maps updated, we need to keep communicating on a deeper level than just “Can you hang out the washing?” and “Have you seen my socks anywhere?”

How to Make Your Love Map

To read on and learn how to make your own love map, see this post in full at the $30 Date Night blog: How to Make a Love Map