How many women does it take to pick one mascara?

I am a makeup minimalist. And by minimalist I mean that I have no idea how to apply it, in what order, nor the patience to do it. My regimen consists of eye concealer (no one wants a close up of what another late night has wrought), a swipe of mascara, and lip balm.

What? Lip balm counts.

photograph, eyes, woman, blonde, blue eyes, mascara

Exhibits A and B

See? I need an intervention. Maybe a boot camp mascara course? Also how much do I love that close-up iPhone shots are so fuzzy and you can’t see my laugh lines? (Sounds better than wrinkles, non?)

A couple of weeks ago I went all wild and bought not one, but two new waterproof mascaras. Why get one when…well, you get it, I have no self-control. A part of me must have been in the depths of brain cloud and forgotten that this crap toxic poison beauty essential brings on hives. So lovely. And itchy.

I went back for a non-waterproof Round Two with my eldest niece in tow.

What I’m saying is there are a quadzillion types of mascara out there people! Breaking News, right? Maybe not, but still mind-numbing every time. And now I’ve permanently scarred my niece with the drama of choosing just the right one.

Seriously ….. Who can answer this? Aside from a few marketing wunderkinds hopped up on speed and zero recall that they just created a BRAND NEW, OH MY GAWD, YOU’LL LOOK SO GORGEOUS, AND YOUR LASHES WILL KNOT UP FROM THEIR WONDROUS LENGTH mascara yesterday…who really needs all these Just Released and Exclusive options?

  •     Cat Eyes – Last I checked cats also had whiskers. Just saying.
  •     9x Longer – Than what?
  •     3xLonger – Why would any self-respecting woman who wants outrageously long lashes buy this? See above for 9x.
  •     Illegal Length – What’s the charge Officer?
  •     Flared – Like jeans?
  •     Stilettos – If I can’t manage with them on my feet I sure as hell can’t use them on my eyes.
  •     Iconic – Haven’t we squeezed enough pulp out of this word yet?
  •     Mega Plush Ultra Rays – I’d buy this, but only if it promised to shoot gamma rays when you batted your 43x plumped up iconic eyelashes. Dear Marketing Whiz Bangs, you can thank me later for that brilliant idea.

Are you bug-eyed yet? It. is. confusing. Especially for the make-up challenged.

If you’re qualified to offer help, please do. Please.

deer, field, photo, photoshop, eyes

Like a deer caught in the glare. “I’m so confused.”
Image courtesy of free wallpaper from Deviant Art

PS. Sharon from Speed Skating Mom inspired my killer attempt at photoshop, but I take all blame for lack of artistry.

PS. That alien deer is creeping me out.

Kat @ jackstrawlane

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