I’m tired. MP’s arrived.

Let me tell you how private I am today ever since -Our- lives went down hill in beautiful Hawaii in 2007.

*The privacy issue ends today. Today I’m speaking out*

That’s when I left Hawaii to see my family in PA and Puerto Rico, for the first time in 3 1/2 years. Even the way that I managed to get the money to leave Hawaii….was very…very….bad.

After the Iraq Deployment aftermaths, the aftershocks of an Earthquake that left me and my babies with no electricity, a wonderful surgery that our little bebe needed because of an awful eye cyst that sprung out of her lower eye lid..out of nowhere..at weird moments and she screamed with pain every single time it popped out of her tiny little eye.

A little bit of information of the things that were making me just sick to my stomach in Hawaii:

A Breast Biopsy that left me in a weird state of mind or in a weird place where I was left to fend for myself..yet again…alone.

My husband could not even hold my hand, he’s more comfortable holding a weapon.

They were just sticking a needle in my breast which followed by having the most painful mammogram in history…with an open wound on my breast…an opened wound?

The nurse had said, “Its not going to hurt dear”. Even though the witch had never experienced one. What a hilarious joke.

–You don’t have to stay and read this. To be honest, some people don’t get it. They can’t possibly put themselves in other peoples shoes. They just open there eyes wide and say things like,

“Oh dear”, “OMG”, “Why did she stay”, “She must have done something to deserve it”.

If you are one of those people, move on.

I’m Writing….

I finally was meeting other military spouses in Hawaii, and making friends in kids playgroups.

–Now this took forever. When a Military Spouse follows her husband to their next duty station he is the first to make friends. She is left behind. Especially if she’s a stay at home mom. She has to work harder to make friends with people she can truly trust. Josh was going surfing on the 2nd week we had landed in Hawaii…with a friend he had met at work. I was left behind at home with a 1 year old. Then it was paint ball shooting for him, from 10am until 6pm. I was left alone….again. And it wasn’t like he was saying things like, “Babe you know, I’m sorry you are being left alone, I’m sorry you haven’t met any friends yet” something that someone would usually say, common sense. No. He would come home happy, talking about his, “very awesome” day.–

Then when I was finally was making those friends, my husband was doing weird things like…suddenly demanding Sex right before I headed out.

If I didn’t give it to him, he proceeded to say that it was just “bullshit”. S0 I would do it out of pressure. I was dressed and ready to go, but he wanted to be pleased. This is still happening today.

When he came back from Kuwait 2 years ago, and I had a neighbor friend…who was a little crazy….but I liked her more for that reason. Every single time I went over there in the evening….which was stepping out of my backyard and walking 10 steps, she lived tat close….he demanded sex, before I went there. And again, he would have a huge tantrum if I didn’t comply, “This is bullshit Lucy, OK FINE, FINE GO” . Then he would call me at her house on my cell phone. “Are you coming back”?, “Can you come over here”, “I’m going to bed”.

To this day this puts my stomach into knots.

In Hawaii, he would masturbate right next to me on the bed when I declined sex. This was before bed time right after the breastfeeding marathons that I was having with my girls.

I was a walking zombie. But he didn’t once asked why I was so tired.

In 8 1/2 years, I’ve only had one massage given by my husband.

In 8 1/2 years I’ve had ZERO manicures.

Today, I cut my own hair. Because I don’t want to hear, “We don’t have any money for that”.

In Hawaii, If I stopped to look at a book in a store, he would demand that I follow him.

“What are you doing? Let’s go”

See, he was walking forward. I had to follow, there was no way he was waiting for me, or leaving me alone.

When I was staying with his mom in NM in 2002 and he came back from MP School, we spent a wonderful day at a hotel without our 11 month old daughter.

A few days later he called me Gay in an argument.

“You must be Gay Lucy”.

Because I was too tired to have sex with him the previous night. I had been up all night it seemed breastfeeding my daughter. But he didn’t want to hear that.

I threw myself on the bed crying and wondered what was wrong with me.

Never in my 25 years had I been called “Gay”.

To this day, every Grocery trip…..he’s in charge of. Not me, he is.

He picks every item. He looks over my items with a disappointing look in his face. Sometimes he say’s, “We don’t need that”.

Now hes replacing all of the Goya Spanish food and ingredients that I buy…which are not much.

I’m not a me anymore.

There is no me here at all.

He owns me. And this is the biggest issue that he cannot see. This is how it has been since the beginning.

Through tears. I get through it.

Then he grabbed me by the neck. 6’3 up against a 5’6 frame.

I couldn’t breath, I looked at him, trying to tell him that and my eyes widened, just like most womens eyes behave right before they are killed by their husbands hands.

Then I lost it completely.

And then I met someone who saved me in Hawaii.

And then I was done.

I was not scared anymore.

I had already grown some bolitas (aka: balls) after all of that to finally tell my husband, “I’ve had enough”.

I hated him, and he hated me. I didn’t want to speak to him or look at him. We were enemies.

If you’ve never felt this inside your marriage, I’m happy for you.

But NEVER tell yourself that you have the “perfect marriage”.

That is living in fantasy land.

Marriage is work from the moment you say, “I do”. I was there once though, now I know my own reality. It’s not everyone’s, but I know all about pretending that everything is oh so bellizimo.

My parents did the same pretending for 31 years of marriage, and then they said, “No more”.

Nothing lasts forever.

I left Hawaii in July 2007 and we got back together in December 2007. When we decided to get back together, and I finally landed in WA, we had flown out of Puerto Rico, to Florida, then to TX, then to WA Seattle. I was pregnant with our third, and I was tired, and so were our 2 little girls.  But we were very happy to be in WA. I was happy to wear my wedding ring again.

Now it’s been 2 1/2 years that I’ve been in WA. Living on base. In the lovely Military Housing Community.

This is how private I am in this housing area. The other night I finally spoke with my front neighbor for more than 30 minutes. I’ve been living here in this base for 2 1/2 years people. It actually lasted for 2 hours. Wow. I’m impressed.

Guys, she didn’t even know I was pregnant with my 4th child until I was 6 months pregnant.

She lives right in front of me.

My point?

I’ve been here trying to concentrate on family. Not on drama. Military life, and military neighbors? Drama. I’m 34, and too old for it. Some days it works and other days it doesn’t. My husband doesn’t go out to bars to drink…only on very dispersed rare occasions…he doesn’t party hard. He actually finished his Associates online a few months ago. He’s a very responsible man.

I also got the lovely MyCAA account for Military Spouses https://aiportal.acc.af.mil/mycaa/ and started taking classes over at UOP as well, and I had started my Photo sessions back up just 2 months after we had our third child here in WA. Since then I’ve Photograph several amazing weddings here in WA.

But still, even though we are trying, there are things that are still happening that I don’t know how to handle. I’m afraid to actually speak sometimes, and it’s a fresh reminder of how things were in Hawaii, and why things happened. Communications problems, problems left unspoken. My husband doesn’t even believe in God. He doesn’t even mention God in this house. My girls…don’t know who this person really is. I really would love to go to church, and I know he would not attend, so of course I would have to go by myself, and I’m by far a church going person, but I want to do things differently this time, and he still does not get this.

Video Games haunt me. One of the things that he does, that he still doesn’t see that is affecting the Family dynamics of this family. Every single night he lays down in front of the t.v to play his Video games. I have photos of the girls at different ages sitting on top of his back while he’s playing these video games. The first photo was in Pearl city Hawaii. Jazmine our first was 1 years old.

Listen, I LIKE video games. I swear to GOD I do.

But would I sit there for 4 hours straight to play a Video game? Screaming obscenities in front of my children?

All while my spouse is changing my childrens diapers, while she/he is struggling in the kitchen trying to make lunch or dinner for 3 kids while rocking her 4th child in the car seat with her right foot, and telling the toddle, “lunch is coming”! 5 times in a row because she’s so hungry RIGHT NOW, and she doesn’t yet know the meaning of, “hold on, it’s coming”.

The answer? No.

I would never do that to my spouse.

I don’t care how long I worked or how much, “down time” I deserved.

The plain and simple truth is that…

I would never leave my spouse to fend for himself, and just watch him struggle right in front of me, and not do a damn thing about it.

That is just cruel.

Especially when it deals with small children.

4 small children under 8 years of age.

I always tell him, when I do get a 9 to 5, do you think I’m going to be able to come home and sit in front of the T.V to eat calmly and patiently without no interruptions? And then hook myself up to my Video Game for 4 hours straight? To unwind?

NO.

I’m still going to have to come home, and do the laundry, the dishes, the diapers, the bedtime stories, the homework, the talks, the cleanups.

I’m not going to be able to tune out my children. I’m not going to say things like, “Shooosh, I’m watching a movie”.

“SHUT UP!!!!!!!”

Like you do Josh.

That is what my husband yells at my kids. Every single day. Because every single day he has to download a movie and watch t.v.

Every SINGLE day.

He still thinks that children under 8 years of age should sit there and be quiet through an action movie. A movie that doesn’t even interest children at that age. Now every single day I’m stressed because I know he’s going to scream at them if they make noise during his movies.

If my husband is bored…he is mad. He can’t sit there and watch the kids play for too long. It’s too boring for him.

Do you think I don’t get BORED?

But guess what, I love my children. Yes I get tired, and overwhelmed, and frustrated, but wouldn’t it be more easier to work with them…

As a team?

So now I go outside. In the backyard. To be alone. To not “bother” him. I take the kids. I watch them play in their pool.

Their laughs sooth me completely.

At least he’s not yelling at them, or making them cry.

ME?

I DON’T WATCH T.V!!!!

The T.V is my babysitter.

She watches them while I clean.

While I put my 3 month old to nap.

While I use the toilet.

I can’t say this enough. I do this life. Alone.

I don’t fly home when my husband leaves on deployment. I stay, alone with my fears.

I fear the rapist that can come in my home at night.

I fear the car accident that will leave me crippled and leave my children without a mother.

Or worse, having my children taken away from me in a horrible accident.

I cried during the aftershocks of the earthquake, when we were left with no electricity.

My husband was in Iraq.

No one from his command showed up to even check on us.

Not only do I not know how to  handle a weapon to defend myself with.

I fear more for my children’s lives than my own.

I’m tired my friends.

Every night…for the past 8 1/2 years (Of course when he’s sick he doesn’t play) he’s screamed things like this to his Video Game “Buds”:

  • You cock sucker.
  • Suck my dick.
  • Sorry you missed your mothers gang bang.
  • Go fuck yourself nigger.
  • You’re a Mexican? Mexicans stink.
  • Shut up you fucking cunt, go suck a dick. (to girls who play the game)
  • Speak English you retard or get on the fucking boat and leave.
  • Gay Jewish mother fucker.
  • You like it up the ass?
  • I’m sorry you missed it when we fucked your mother.

Oh and there’s more trust me. For some reason 8 years of this yelling at the T.V has gotten to me.

I can’t sleep at nights, because he screams these things so loud, and I go to be before him on some nights.

And now that the girls can understand him they ask me things like,

“Mommy, daddy just said a bad word right”?

I AM TIRED.

TIRED.

I’ve tried (tried) to tell him nicely that these words work negatively on him, they keep him on edge, even the next day he’s still talking about his game. I’m Puerto Rican…what if I’m married to a racist? His mom HATES the new president -OK so a lot of you do too- but she’s said certain things that sound weird. As you can attest by the things that I’ve written in the previous posts, she speaks about things that really and honestly make no sense at all.

So, here at my home? Video games, every night. It plainly sucks my friends.

I want to be with my husband. He only wants  sex…yes to put it out there so very bluntly.

He just wants sex after wards, so that he can go to sleep “relaxed”. As soon as he’s done with the game, he asks me:

Are we making love or what?

I’m tired, this is NOT healthy for my family or for our relationship.

I’ve had neighbors husbands who’ve been in trouble at work for going to bed so late because of these Video Games. Military men. It’s honestly an addiction.

This is him. Every single night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vStN1HRwzvE

At the end of the video he flips me off.

That is what he does when he gets mad, or when I do something he can’t control.

What can I do? He fights every time I try to talk about it.

Give up?

He labels us. US, including my daughters. I’m tired.

I had a strict father, but he NEVER said things like this to me or to my sisters. In the 17 years that I spent at my parents house my father only spanked me ONCE….one time.

I’m tired of letting my husband get away with these things.

When he wants to go to the Casinos I say…”OK have fun”.

When he goes to his friends house to watch a fight…”OK Have fun”.

When he goes Golfing for hours….”OK have fun”.

When he goes to the Gym…”OK have fun”.

He tells me….”You don’t contribute”

Guess what?

While you were getting your degree, remember?

I contributed by taking the kids here and there, by keeping the kids quite so that YOU could study and read.

While your career was going up, MP School, K-9 School…

I contributed by taking care of your children in such a way that you don’t fear for their safety, because you know they are being taken care of  by a responsible mother. By someone who doesn’t have car accidents or someone who gets speeding tickets here or there. By someone who prefers her that her kids walk in front of her rather than behind her.

That is what “support” means. That is a contribution. No my darling, not in chunks of green, but it was done with care.

I’m not going to put up with your crap anymore.

PERIOD.

He has said and still says these things to me:

  • Broke Ass.
  • You bitch, you cunt. (TODAY in front of the kids)
  • NO ONE WILL EVER WANT YOU.
  • You are nothing without me.
  • leave, go, get out.
  • Crazy Bitch
  • He flips me off in front of the kids.
  • Shut your mouth

Not only is he proud that he doesn’t believe in God, he never apologizes for anything he does.

I went outside  a year or so ago to walk the dog. Right behind our house, came back 5 minutes later and Jazmine the 7 year old was screaming holding her left leg. He had hit her with a bouncer part, that had a hard end, and she had two humongous welts on her leg. She comes to me and say’s, mommy I was just dancing in the living room.

I WANTED TO RUN AWAY on this day. So bad. These girls…all they have is US. Just US damn it. I’ll be dammed if I’m going to let anyone treat these girls with less than they truly deserve.

He calls the kids names, he’s always labeling them:

  • Brats
  • Lily must have ADD, she’s too needy. (He said this right in front of her, because she wanted a hug. I cried. A lot)
  • You sissy.
  • Punch her back. (when they argue)
  • He hits them over the head, constantly.
  • Get OFF ME.
  • SHUT UP.
  • Close your mouth.
  • I’m going to beat you.
  • He kicks them, lightly, or pushes them out of the way. (It’s hard for him to say excuse me, even to me. He just pushes you…lightly)

I’m Tired. I’m to the point of planning an escape.

But I have nowhere to go. Everywhere I went in 2007 when I left him, I was judged by people who were making mistakes themselves. my girls were treated like strangers by their own families.

One day I came back from the tiring School Drive here in WA. I had been up all night with a needy 1 year old. I got home put on some cartoons, gave the kids their after school snack, laid down right next to them as they watched T.V. Fell asleep on my living room carpet.

He comes home from work, and gently of course, pushes my shoulder with his dirty boot and says, “Are you getting up to make dinner? I’m hungry”.

I’m TIRED of this.

This is NOT how I want to live.

This is not what I want my precious girls to see.

The Video Games? 8 1/2 years of it. He would actually push our 1st daughter away from him when she would run to him in her baby walker as he was playing 8 1/2 years ago when he started playing this. He would tell her, “You made me loose”!

I never liked that, It’s a game. You ignore your daughter for a game?

I wish I could do that.

Wait, if I did then I would be called a bad mother?

Yes.

Today, this morning it happened.

It took 3 years from the last big argument in Hawaii when I called the MP’s, and they came through the doors as I was sweeping glass from the door, and he was bleeding from his hand outside.

I went online, while he was sleeping in. He sleeps in every weekend. Sometimes until 11am. I’m up every day at 5am to breastfeed. My children have always been early risers.

His schedule changed again from 2pm until 10pm.

I went into facebook, and noticed the same girl that last time posted, “Nice bike DUDE” liking one of his posts. Spanish looking with long black hair. I got upset.

Last time that he saw a guy in my facebook profile that was saying, “Thank you Lucy”,  he stood behind me and yelled, “Who the fuck is this”?

“It’s my cousin from PA Josh, my sisters have him added as well, please go check if you need to, and STOP yelling at me” I told him. No apologies.

I asked him as soon as he woke up, “Why is that girl coming into your profile so much”? He was making breakfast, and he doesn’t like to be interrupted when he’s making his breakfast. Most of his days have to be children free. See he can’t get things, “done” with ease if the children are there, asking him too many questions. He cannot multitask with children.

Because you see, he’s told me.

This is your job, not mine.

He immediately said,” Why are you being so dramatic”?

I said,

“What”? Am I yelling at you, or asking like you do to me “Who the fuck is this”? “No right? So why am I the dramatic one here? Because I’m asking? Because I’m “demanding and answer”? Because I’m a woman and I have an attitude, I’m dramatic? And because you’re a man and you have a huge ego, you can yell at me, “Who the fuck is this”?

And I have to take it?

He goes:

Well I don’t want any drama over at facebook.

I said:

“You mean the e-mail that I found, about your mom? Where she lied to you? Where her medication interfered so much so that she had to make up a story that didn’t even happen? Just to put you in her side? For attention that she oviously doesn’t get”?

He said:

“It’s OK, I’ll go ahead and delete you from facebook”

I said:

“I’m leaving, you are staying with the kids for a while. I need help, I need someone to talk to”.

I got dressed, he got mad and took my car keys upstairs and hid them.

I asked him,

“Did you hide my keys? Where are my keys Josh? Fine I’ll take the kids, where are my car keys”?!?!?

He was getting dressed now, he was leaving just like he has before without even caring about leaving me with the kids.

Then he goes outside and pretends to throw the car keys in the lawn, but I still see the keys in his hands. He tells me he can do what ever he likes with the keys. At this point we have a neighbor outside staring at Josh, at Lily who’s looking at Josh outside now, with worry in her eyes. And when I whisper, give me back the car keys, he throws them for real in the front lawn.

Long story short. An MP Shows up. The same MP that showed up at our last argument in Hawaii 3 years ago. We both know him.

Gotta love it.

My husband is doing the usual. Calling me crazy, outside.

Screaming, “Thank you for ruining my career AGAIN Lucy”

Let me state something here: when my husband Choked me in front of my children in Hawaii I did not call the police.

I ran upstairs to the bathroom, crying with my two little girls. He begged me for forgiveness, on his knees. I did. His parents where also visiting us that week. They were out exploring.

I had to get up the next morning and again, pretend everything was A OK. This incident he confessed to a counselor in Hawaii. It’s on files. There is proof of this.

I called the police in Hawaii…for the next episode, where a fist went through a picture frame, and glass was all over the floor, and there was a bloody hand. Later on he went on a restraining order. And then later on his command helped him, and they broke several laws.

One of them was on a photo session day that I had where Josh called me laughing on the phone as I was driving home with the girls from the Photo Session. Telling me how very mad I was going to be when I got home. Because the home Computer, was gone. His Chief who I had seen just before leaving to the photo session, who had just told me straight to my face, “Don’t worry, he’s just getting his boots”. Went inside our home and helped Josh carry the computer out to the car. Today that’s illegal, and not allowed. That is OUR property, not his. He had his lap top anyway. It was done just to hurt me, and his Chief helped.

Well today 2 lovely Detectives came to take a statement from me. Its no longer handled by the MP’s. Wow, how it has changed since 2007. Last time the MP’s took my statement, today it was Detectives at my door who work with victims of abusive crimes.

As soon as I told them that he took the keys away from me, and hid them and then threw them outside.

He looks at me and say’s:

You know what that is right?

Control.

My eyes teared up.

Someone recognizes what I’ve dealt with since the day I said “I do”.

There was also a witness who saw it. Our neighbor.

Because I told the 2 detectives.

My husband constantly mocks me, and tells me:

“No one will believe you, I’m a cop”.

They actually started laughing at that coment.

Because you know what?

“Guess what, cops go to jail too”.

He’s out of the house for 10 days. We can’t speak to each other.

They came and got his 2 guns and his rifle.

They told me:

“You did the right thing to call us”

I’m still scared.

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