I am a bad mom--and other lies

Maybe I am a bad mom! I just now started letting my daughter do stuff with her friends. By the way she is 11. She meet one friend and now everytime I turn around. its trouble. The other little girl was caught cheating from my daughter. But yet according to the other mother its my daughters fault. My daughter has come home crying saying this girl has said stuff about her. I have talked to the school.Nothing happened. Then this last weekend My daughter was spending the night at another girls house. The girl I am having trouble with called over there and started trouble. Then when I ask her mom about it. She tells me my daughter needs help!

 After a five year relationship with my current fiancee I am leaving tonight. Because she is the "good mom" to a 27 year old intolerable fool. Her ex offered no help or guidance and it is all a total loss. The fault of this, me? John Locke mocked us Americans for appointing the mothers (Not the Disciplinarian fathers) as guardians. This boy stole her car (which I just built) wrecked it, denied it when the police showed up and only came clean when his sister told on him. Two years later when he still had not paid the fine and was about to go to jail. He beat holes in every wall and door until she agreed to pay it. He lives here with his girlfriend and brand new pit bull puppy, I am done. If you want to be the "Good Mom" you better have good backup!!!

A true story

Shawn

Are they happy?  Teenagers don't count.  If they WERE happy you would be doing something wrong.  Your kids sound smart and happy.  As for you, you are frustrated and anxious so you think you are unhappy.  Sounds like me.  You need some outdoor time (I know you hate it, take a walk with the little ones once a day) and some Xanax.  I dont take it everyday, just when I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin. 

I always feel like a crappy mom when I am doing something I could postphone until my daughter is asleep. She is not even two, but I feel guily not playing with her sometimes. I remember when I was little, and the feeling of wanting my mom to sit and play with me nonstop. And now I understand why it is impossible from a mom's view.

I am too tired sometimes and want that nap time quietness to rest and be alone! Not to do laundry and housework. AHHH!

i expect too much from my son.... i want him to excel in school,play very good tennis,win tournaments,play the key board,perform in concerts,be fit,be tidy,organised and ofcourse give him his play time too.he is 13,and i want him to be usccessful in life,but i feel i pressurise him too much...i feel sad for him biut in thi competiitive world esp in india where evryone is working so hard to suceed if i dont do that he will laf behind and may not be as successful. am i bad mom for mounting that pressure on him or expecting him to excel? my son does tell me that he feel presurised at times........should i just let him be?

For a while when my kids were younger, I was a divorced, single mother of three, all under the age of ten. I was depressed (although I didn't know it then) and exhausted. My middle child was hyperactive. In order to cope and keep the kids safe, I would lock me and the kids into their room (which was child proofed) and take a nap. They would crawl all over me and hit me with toys while I napped. I felt horrible at the time, but now that I look back, I wonder if I was that bad. I did all I could to cope and keep us safe.

I have 4 kids. 2 teens ages 16 and 14 (with my ex) and they are giving me hell, and 2 toddlers ages 3 and 2 (with my husband now). My older kids help around the house and help me with the kids, of course, I have to pay them. (Did I mention I also pay for cell phones and everything else, from Catholic School to face cleaner) My older daughter (16 yr old) complains that she shouldn't have to help with the kids so much because she does not have kids. That makes me feel bad, but at the same time isn't a family supposed to all pitch in and help each other????

My husband has a job that requires him to go out of town alot. I get very stressed during that time. I MEAN "VERY!" I feel bad during that time because I really make my older kids help me out ALOT then! This is so much to handle on one person. I also tend to get mad at my husband for not being here and get to the point that I do not want to hear how nice his hotel is, and what kind of scenery he is looking at. I can't get away, so I feel like, why the hell do I want to know how nice it is where he is at. I live in the same house with the same life EVERYDAY! Always some kind of commotion going on, and definetely NEVER a dull moment here!

I am a Licensed Cosmetologist that stays at home now to be with my kids. I was on bed rest the whole pregnancy for my last 2 kids, took shots and pills to stop my labor. I am also enrolled in college online for Early Elementary Eductaion. SO, I have to do school work at times. Trust me, this is hard to do with all my kids.

I tend to get irritable alot when the kids push me too far, then by the time my husband does come home, when he is in town, I am a nut! I will even sometimes go get in bed at 7:00 leaving him to deal with everything else after dinner. It is like I just get so worn out from waking up at 6 and non stop ALL DAY LONG!

On weekends I get aggitated when my kids ask me a million things and I say NO to something, they just do NOT understand the meaning of NO! So, they keep on and on until I crack! So, then I am left stressed!

My older daughter (16 yr old) gets mad because I do not want to go work out with her or go tan, but honestly after the day is over, I really do not feel like going! I know that I should, but I just can't MAKE myself go. At that time, I want to spend what little time left, with my husband and enjoy the kids! He is a great dad to all of them and a great husband!

I also do not take my small kids outside. That leaves me feeling guilty alot! I AM NOT AN OUTDOOR PERSON! AT ALL! I HAVE to study! I am taking Psychology right now. VERY HARD! And it is HOT outside! Now don't get me wrong, they see daylight! We just do not go out alot during the day! Sometimes they stay in pajamas half the day!

My older kids and my mom rag me about that, and say I am horrible for not letting the kids play outside all day. Honestly, my kids like plaing on the computer and watching TV. They are VERY active, and do go nuts in the house, probably because I do not take them out alot. I cannot study outside because I have way too many papers and all going on, which requires me to be at my computer alot! I feel like I am neglecting all of my kids in a way. At the same time, I would like to have my Associates Degree with the few years I have left. Not when I am 90. By the way I am 33.

I have a Psychiatrist, because I had alot of stress while pregnant and I keep going to her. She said to me yesterday, that I just have ALOT on my plate. That I am normal and am an anxious person anyway. Coffee is not helping anxiety at all so she wants me to cut back.

I am just wondering am I really a bad parent? I do try to make time for my 16 year old, and we have a VERY open relationship! I know all that she does, from Sex, to trying cigarettes! I do read and color with my toddlers, amongst watching and singing to High School Musical all day! I do flash cards, etc. I lay down with them and just enjoy watching them play (when they are playing nice) and building legos, etc.

My 3 year old can count to 100 and knows her colors and her numbers in English and in Spanish! She can even do her own email. My 2 year old is also smart! So, they are not lacking intellegence.

My 3 year old has surgeries alot due to an eye problem and suffers from constipation due to motility (the colon does not function properly) so she takes meds for that. She is just now wanting to potty train, and this is rough too! No school will take her without being trained!

My 14 yr old son just moved back in with me, and he is not your average teen. He has gotten in alot of trouble while living with his dad. From experiencing drugs, to being in the back of a cop car, to going to a mental hospital! Which, he is doing better here! His dad has never been around and my son had to figure all of this out on his own by living with him for 2 years.

So, I need advice, am I really a bad wife and mother? Seriously, some days I am really questioning this! Thanks! Tammy

This is exactly what I needed to hear today.

I spend far too much time beating myself up for not being the perfect mom, and not nearly enough time feeling good about all that I do right. *sigh* I'm working on that.

www.chezadria.com/ ( http://www.chezadria.com/ )
www.marathondreams.com/ ( http://www.marathondreams.com/ )

I recently wrote about relearning how to play ( http://www.velveteenmind.com/velveteenmind/2007/10... ) and frequently write about the importance of women having the strength to take ( http://www.velveteenmind.com/velveteenmind/2007/07... ) time for themselves. It can't be said enough ( http://www.velveteenmind.com/velveteenmind/2007/08... ).

Death to the stay-at-home martyr!

Megan
Relish the Velveteen. Revel in the Threadbare.
http://www.velveteenmind.com

Karen - www.suburbancorrespondent.blogspot.com ( http://www.suburbancorrespondent.blogspot.com )

It is so important that we remember that none of us can be "perfect," and that striving to be a perfect mother only leads to frustration, guilt, and anger. Remember, instead, to be a "good enough" mother and try to enjoy your children when you can, ignore them when you can't.

I have 6 kids, and I don't think I have ever played with any of them. (I mean, except as tiny babies.) Kids' games are for kids, not adults. We're supposed to be their parents, not their friends or siblings, for heaven's sake.

And, thanks to Alyssa Rouse, I don't think I will ever look at Elmo the same way again!

I have to say, people always say, "take care of yourself first or you'll be no good for anyone else". However, I don't think many people actually take that advice. I have a friend who puts her husband and daughter and friends and work and the house and everything above herself and then feels guilty for doing something for herself. Heck, I certainly feel guilty when I have a dirty floor or dirty dishes in the sink or laundry that's piling up (I don't feel guilty about the huge mountain of ironing since I hate ironing) and there is no way I can sit down and watch a movie or something with my husband knowing that all those things have to be done. Wow, that's a really long sentence. Sorry about that. But--my point is--everyone knows that we should take the time to do something for ourselves, whether it's exercising, having a quiet time, or getting a pedicure. It's just that we still feel guilty for even thinking of not doing all the "shoulds". I feel like a failure in all the areas of my life because I'm not perfect; I'm only now starting to slowly realize that it's ok to not be perfect. My husband still loves me even if the house is a mess, my friends still love me even if I don't handmake all the invitations and food for a impromtu party, and work will have to learn that I'm not a pushover who just says yes to doing 8 jobs at once. It's a difficult realization and one that only came about when I hit my "bottom."

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy, -John Denver

Alyssa; thanks for your kind comments. I try, sometimes unsuccessfully, not to let the ignorant comments of those who simply "don't know" roll off my back. But sometimes, especially when life is overwhelming, they sneak in and make me doubt myself. I try not to listen to the nagging in the back of my head that says, "You'll never measure up." But I have my good days and my bad days. It's unfortunate when a not-so-nice comment coincides with a not-so-good day.

There are blogs by birth mothers all over the blogosphere now. I'm actually finishing up a paper on blogging birth mothers for a presentation at the University of Pittsburgh this weekend. (By finishing up I mean that I'm wracking my brain for a great drive-it-home kind of last sentence. Which means I'm sitting here, reading blogs and not doing my work.) In the blogs you can find (click on a few on my side bar) you will find many varied stories, varied experiences and varied views on the topics. I'm one of many, many voices available on the topic. Sadly, people continue to try to silence us as a whole.

Thankfully I'm too stubborn to be silenced. Or too stupid. It depends.

Family Living; Hatfield Style ( http://www.thejhatfields.org/blog ) - Our Family Blog.
Birth/First Parent Blog ( http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com )
The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://www.thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ).

I"m not often at a loss for words. But I am now. i highly encourage everyone to read the blog link that Jenna posted in her comment. IT was sobering, eye-opening, erudite and inspirational. And you, Jenna, are certainly not a bad mom. I'd love to hear more, understand more about the issue... THANK YOU for sharing your story. Seriously.

___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com ( http://www.JustCauseIt.com )

I'd believe it if the rest of the world wasn't telling me that I was a bad mom for x, y or z thing related to my current parenting decisions or the one I made for my placed daughter. I'm judged for the latter far more than people want to recognize or admit. It overshadows any of the "good mom" things I do for my son(s). In fact, I just wrote about it ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/2007/10/04/... ) and how I will forever be labeled as such.

I wish I felt guilty about forgetting to buy milk. Which, by the way, I did forget on our way home last night. Thankfully, I had just enough for the little man. He's none the wiser that his mother will never be as good as the rest of the moms on the planet.

Family Living; Hatfield Style ( http://www.thejhatfields.org/blog ) - Our Family Blog.
Birth/First Parent Blog ( http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com )
The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://www.thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ).

When our daughter was too young to tell time, she used to come crawl in bed with us when she woke up in the morning. Fine, in theory, but it was usually 5:30 AM. Which was also fine, in theory, except that it was often the only time that my husband and I were in bed together, and if we had to be awake, we didn't want to be, um, watching Sesame Street. If we weren't sleeping, we could think of better things to do. Things we couldn't do with her in bed with us.

After finally reaching the point where we thought about going to the Sesame Street studios to strangle the cloying red monster who's happy song served as a reminder of the happy activities we were not doing because our daughter was in bed with us, singing happy Elmo songs, we got an idea. Having sworn that our daughter would not watch TV - ever - we bought a TV and put it in her room. We set it so that the ONLY channel it got was PBS. We told her that she could turn it on when she woke up. THEN we told her that when Elmo's World was OVER, she could come in to our room.

I grew to love that Elmo. His song now meant, "hurry up," but also meant that we were alone in bed together, and much happier about being awake.

She still came into our room in the morning. And if we weren't already awake, she would turn on the TV. But by that time, Zaboomafoo was on. And what mom doesnt' want to be in bed with the Kratt brothers?

When we came up with this plot, i said something like, "Man, I'm a bad mom, sitting my kid in front of the TV so i can have sex." But it didn't take me long to realize that a well-rested and satisfied mom is a happy mom, and happy moms are good.

I tell this story all the time - you are right, there are lessons in the "bad mom" stories that illustrate how creative and resourceful we are, and remind us that we need to give ourselves a break. (Maybe even a treat.)
___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com ( http://www.JustCauseIt.com )

I was watching her baby at a softball game (something I love to do...my goddaughter, don'tcha know?!?) and she was coming down with an ear infection. She was cranky and fell asleep in my lap. My cousin came off the field at the end, and we were getting ready to leave. "I'm the worst mother in the world," she said.

Au contraire. She is such a good and attentive mother.

I said, "Perhaps if you were passed out in the bedroom while the baby took care of her own ear infection in the OTHER room? For hours? Then we could talk? Otherwise, hell no?"

As a friend of mine said to me tonight, "Umm, maybe you could ease up on yourself?"

It's so easy to say, so hard to do...especially for moms, who work so hard. I kick my own ass now, repeatedly. I can't imagine if I had kids. Watch out!

Great topic, Jenn.

Laurie

LaurieWrites ( http://lauriewrites.typepad.com )

The best thing you ca do for your kids...is take care of yourself first. The better you take care of yourself, the better you will be able to take care of your kids. And of course, part of taking care of yourself is not being so hard on yourself when you're not perfect...cause nobody is perfect.

Contributing Editor Catherine Morgan
also at Women 4 Hope ( http://women4hope.wordpress.com/ ) and CatherineBlogs.com ( http://www.catherineblogs.com/ )

My Mother a wise and good Mother said to me once..God picked you and only YOU to be the Mother of these children and God never makes a mistake. YOU are the best and right Mom for these kids...never forget it!

Jody DeVere
President
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