I am a Widow

There I said it. Out loud.

In writing.

I am a widow.

Every time I think that or say it, my mind flashes to old Western TV shows with the “Widder Smith” as a dried up old lady all dressed in black. Which I am none of those things so it makes me smile a little.

I am a widow.

It is all starting to come crashing down now. The realization that my husband is dead, gone except in memories. I’ve put off dealing with his death through brute strength and force of will. I could not crash in October 2012. There was Charlie to consider plus all the details, financial and otherwise, to handle when someone passes away.

Then November brought Hubby’s birthday and Thanksgiving. Followed by Christmas. Then Charlie’s 8th birthday and my 45th birthday.

PTO and Cub Scouts. Getting trained to replace Hubby as Cubmaster so the pack would continue with little disruption. 6 other little boys who also need me.

I am a widow.

I marked the box on forms. I updated my online profiles.

Denial, laziness, procrastination, grief. In my head I know I need to return to work consistently.  Charlie and I need to return to church consistently.  Grief counseling.

My body, on the other hand, does busy stuff. Not truly productive. Just busy.

Inertia. Focusing on fun or unimportant projects or a gazillion other things.

I am a widow.

Time marches on. I know eventually it will all catch up with me.

But for now – I continue marching onward.



@texasebeth  and My Life, such as it is....

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