I Bought A Dress

Today I feel vulnerable.  In fact, I feel a lot like drawing the curtains, hiding under a duvet and not speaking to anyone. Yesterday I wrote a post.   It was an over-sharing kind of post.  I shared things that I have opened up to very few people about.  In the past, those I have chosen to confide in have looked confused - as if trying to decide if I was telling a fairytale.  Then the subject would be quickly changed.  At times, I was accused of lying or attention seeking.  I felt as if I had let my guard down, only to be stabbed through the heart.  And so I tried to grow an armour.  But it turns out, mine is still made only of sugar paper.  And when I do let my guard down, I feel as vulnerable as I ever did.
I struggled with the way I looked for many years.  Thankfully I am now at the point where the need to control my weight no longer rules my life.  The mirror does not dictate whether I can or cannot leave the house that day.  The scales do not determine whether or not I am allowed to eat.  I am now a healthy weight.   But this means that I am often offered dieting tips I didn't ask for, by those who assume I am intending to be super-thin again.  (In my head I am screaming: I KNOW HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT - I HAD AN EATING DISORDER). I am reassured by well-meaning women that they too were fat like me after they had a baby.  I am a healthy weight.  Today I was even told I was 'blooming', by someone who assumed I must be pregnant.  I am a healthy weight

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